Dreamlog 15: High School Reunion

I really hate these school dreams. Those times are far behind me now. I don't want to think or reflect upon those years again. They just keep coming back to haunt me. I despise school so much it's unreal. Though there is some aspects that I do miss about my school years. This dream brought some of those back in mind.

I am back in school again though not a student this time. I recognize this place as the high school cafeteria though a lot of the tables have been re-arranged. There's even a podium setup for something that I really have no interest it. Despite all the seating available, some people are sitting on the floor including myself. I am just looking around taking in all the stuff going on around me. There are a few faces I recognize though I wasn't really acquaintances with them to begin with. They are just people I occasionally saw in my classrooms or in the hallways back in the day. I guess some things don't really change as everyone seems to be socializing as usual while I am by myself.

That is until someone from a distance calls me out by my name. It's a classmate that I recognized from several of my classes. I guess I sort of knew him but we weren't close friends or anything like that. Sometimes we would do group projects together but otherwise we acknowledge our existences. "Wow, you haven't changed one bit!" I don't think I ever did. Maybe because of the weight loss I did after dropping out of Uni, I sort of went back to my original form. He on the other hand seems way more overweight than what I remember. He also has more facial hair. Why do they always grow out their facial hair! "Is everything going alright with you?"

That question. How do I even respond to that? As much as I want to be honest with him, I kind of have to put up this facade that life is somehow working out in my favor despite the fact I am a failure in both academic, economical, and social aspects. The best I could say is: "Yeah, it's been rather alright for me. Could be worse." I suppose I am not wrong. I could have been a cripple from the accident I had earlier. But somehow I am still around. "Well that's good bro. Glad you had your life figured out. By the way, we are having a mock class real soon. You should come join us. It's with the Miss! Our AP English Teacher. She's still around and teaching." That's right. The teacher I had for AP English class. Back then, she would sometimes miss out teaching due to the fact she was suffering from some sort of cancer. It's amazing she's still teaching after more than a decade since I last had her as a teacher. Without too much thought, I accept his offer and we both walk out of the cafeteria and towards the classroom which she used to teach in. The memories keep flowing all at once. These hallways used to be packed with students. Now it's the same students in fewer numbers and significantly older. It's driving me insane but it's also giving me some sort of warmth I haven't felt in years. It just takes me back to a time when there wasn't political theater, no stupid forced memes, no universal doom and gloom. I hate to say it but I have been longing for those times when the only thing that mattered were trying to avoid social interactions with other students, breeze through some homework in the library, and later going home to play some video games.

Eventually, We make it to the classroom and sure enough our former teacher was there along with various other students I recognize from that class years ago. Our teacher welcomes us both but surprisingly she doesn't really recognize me as I would hope. I was one of her favorite students back in the day. Maybe she's just being formal but I can't really tell. None of this is real anyways. I was able to find my seat that I had once sat in as a junior grade student. Never realized how uncomfortable these seats were. For a moment, it was like I was transported back in time as the teacher gave her mock lesson as the class listened. It's a miracle we weren't fooling around like most high school students as we were all more mature in age and attitude. It's not quite the experience I had as a student. Further more, something was missing. Rather, some people were missing in this re-union. The upperclassmen.

Everyone who is present in this classroom were once juniors like myself. There were also seniors in this classroom that took this classroom as well. Especially one senior girl I had desires for. She wasn't here. But I can only look at her empty desk and wonder. Where has she gone now? Is she the same edgy and cute girl I knew back in the day? Why did she have to be older than me? I couldn't help but feel really bummed out during the entire pseudo lesson. Once the lesson was over, I was sure I can just leave without too much notice but a former classmate also calls me out and sure enough it was one of the jocks that was present in my class. "It's good to see your still alive and well. I hope all goes well for you. Take care of yourself man." I never expected that sort of politeness from the former jock types. I reply: "Thanks, I hope all goes well for you too." I sound like an idiot. I can never construct my words properly without sounding like I am nervous. I hate having anxiety. But his words didn't discourage me. They gave me what I could sort of describe as hope but also regret. Regret of not being able to socialize with others like him in my past.

It was right at that point where my dream ends. I didn't get any sleep right after that. All I could do is just stare at my bedroom and wonder. Why did my life turn out like this? Why couldn't I succeed like the others in my class? I was one of the brightest though shy student in my AP English class, yet they all went on and had better lives than I ever did. I envy them. I had nothing special going with me. Even back then. I only did what was required of me for that class and I did it well. I had no talents. I had no social skills. I had no future.