She's back again.

I'm fed up at this point. After all I done to try to get her away from my mind, she somehow subconciously comes back. Oneitis syndrome coming back when I've done all I can to get my feelings off her for good. What can be the meaning behind this constant pulse of desire to see her again when it's entirely impossible that will ever happen again? It was never meant for me to be with her by fate alone. I was too socially crippled to interact with her beyond what I would consider aquaintance level. I'm too old for these kind of feelings. I'm already at the point in my life where such desires to feel love are at a point of no return. I missed my once in a lifetime chance and these dreams are nothing but a mock of my failure as a social creature.

In this dream, I'm back in school again. Sigh. I hate school. Oh and I'm still in band too. Double sigh. I'm walking through these hallways that are awfully unfamiliar to me. This feels like a far nicer high school than the one I went to, I'll give it that. There's not alot of people out in the hallways either despite it being sometime around late afternoon. I'm early to my last class of the day. As usual, I'm the first one to make it to my classroom. Not even the teacher is around this early. Slowly, other students began to show up. I don't recognize any of them. Generally, I don't like to sit all the way in the front of the classroom because I don't like being too close to the teacher. I don't like sitting in the far back either because then I might draw some attention for being some kind of slacker (which isn't that far from the truth). Generally, those who sit at the very back of the classroom are those that are more likely fail the class so I heard. Probably some bullshit lie or something I really don't know. The middle is where I find more comfort. It's the right balance between being hidden and having a good vantage point of the whiteboard. That's another issue with sitting in the front btw. Being in the middle lets me blend in better with the classroom if that makes sense. I just want to be as normal as all of my other classmates. Anyways, the classroom itself seems to be some kind of math class though I'm not certain what kind of course is being taught here. Probably pre-calculus or something along those lines. Easy class though I had crappy teachers in the past that didn't really care if we learned the material or not. As more students began to fill up these desks, I began to relax a little. I always feared that I would be alone by the time the teacher would arrive and I would be forced into some kind of conversation with the instructor. I don't want to interact with the teacher. Just teach me the material and let me go home so I can go play Unreal Tournament and fall asleep. Oh wait I have Band Pratice after this too. Fuck.

Make that a double fuck because before you know it, she entered the classroom and any sense of comfort I had completely vanished in an instant. No no not the teacher. Her. My high school crush from way back then. It's been so long since I seen her but I am not pleased that she showed up. Why why why why why!!!!!! She's as cute as I always remembered, wearing a light grey pullover jacket, dark jean pants, neck lenght brown hair tied into a lazy pony tail and something I haven't seen in a long while is her dark brown eyes completmented by some glasses she wore the last time I actually saw her. Her checks looked so blushed and skin sunburned from band pratice. I bet they feel really warm. God, I don't like this one bit. Why is she here? She directed her attention towards me, smiled and gave a little wave with her hand. "Hiya (my name)". I reluctantly waved back but didnt' really say anything but tried to look away from her. Fortunately she didn't really have anywhere to sit near me so she ended up sitting far left of me somewhere in the middle of the class. It's not ideal but as long as I don't look towards my left, I don't really have to look at her. I hope.

The teacher finally arrives to class. A minute or so after the bell rang. Jeez what took her so long. Right away she takes a look at the classroom and comments. "Yeah, I don't think this arrangement is going to do any of you any good." She picks up a roster and begans calling out some names. She then would instruct them to move to a specific seat on her roster. I absolutely hate when teachers do this. Just let the students sit wherever the fuck they want. We already don't have any rights in this tax payer waste of money hellhole. A student I don't know ends up taking the spot I selected so I have no choice but to get up and stand at the side of the classroom as I wait for my name to be called. When she gets to my name, I am moved somewhere close to the front on the left side of the classroom. What a terrible spot. Not just because I have to keep looking right just to see the whiteboard but now my crush is sitting right behind me on my right side which means I'm going to be seeing her in my field of view no matter what. I was so fustrated but there's no way I can make an argument to the teacher about where I am sitting, so I had no choice but to sit. When I finally got to my final seat. My crush tapped me on the shoulder with her finger. I turned my eyes towards her and she just sat there with her hands resting on her check as she smiled at me. There was another guy who sat in front of her. I don't recognize him but he seems to at least know her to some extent. "What's the deal with him?" He asked her. "He's also from band...kind of shy...but he's a good guy." Her voice almost sounded genuine. It's a tone I'm familiar with when it comes to her way of speaking. I know how she sounds when she's being sarcastic but this isn't one of those times. I kind of hate listening to it. I try to pretend to ignore whatever I heard and focus my attention to the front of the white board.

The lecture pretty much went over my head as I was too uncomfortable to pay attention. At some point, the teacher had to leave the classroom when another faculty member stopped by and called her somwhere. When the teacher was gone, everyone started to mingle and socialize with each other. So did my crush and the guy in front of her. I don't recall what they were saying but at some point, he ask some kind of dumb question involving the course material. "Read your notes you stupid nigger! Come on." I heard her taunt him. It was suprising to hear speak in that sort of manner but it's not something I think was out of the ordinary for her. She did kind of have that edge towards her personality and sarcasm. At some point it hit me. This guy she's talking to isn't some kind of friend. It's her brother. They were both the same age and probably were twins. Do I remember if my crush had any siblings in my school days? I'm not sure. Certainly not in any of my classes as far as I know. Since I don't have don't have anyone to socialize with, I pretend to focus on my notes and stare into my pages full of my writings as I low key listen to their conversation. I had a gag reflect and had to cough and covered my mouth with my arm. I did my best to hide my cough. "See, even he thinks you're full of shit." She said as she was talking to her brother. I felt completely embarrassed and wanted to say I didn't mean it but I just couldn't get my words out. I could only try to hide my face from them. Thankfully the teacher finally returned and the lecture went out without much happening afterwards.

By the time class had finished, I to make my way to the gym before I could run into my crush along the way. Luckly she was too busy putting her stuff in her bag for me to leave the classroom without her noticing. Somehow, I knew exactly where the gym was despite not recognizing the layout of this campus. What caught me off suprise by the time I went to the gym was the way this gym was set-up. It was like an artifical football field with fake turf, field markings, and foldable bleachers on opposite ends of the field. It was just as massive as the outdoor ones but this was all enclosed inside a gym building. It's quite amazing even though I hate football and marching band but at least I have the blessing to pratice in such a place away from the scorching sun. But if everyone was wearing sweaters...why even bother if it's not hot outside? I shrug that off. There are some other band members who I think I might recognize but I would care to try to reunite with them even if they had any good will with them. They were socializing with other band students. Usual. I also saw a couple of color guard members praticing with their spinning flag routines. I never liked them either though they were wearing some kind of ottoman inspired costume of sort which I thought looked kind of cool. Everyone else was wearing their typical pratice outfits. Gym clothes to put it bluntly. I made my way to the locker rooms and changed into my gym clothes. Luckly there was no one around as I hate changing in front of other people. Normally I'd use the bathroom stalls and change their but since no one was around I figured I might as well. Once that was all done. I locked my other clothes away and made my way back to the gym. That was until I saw her once again, standing in front of the exit with her arms crossed her chest. She's already wearing her gym clothes, a navy blue tank top with black gym shorts. "Did you try to run away from me (my name)? I can't be that scary?" she said to me smirking. I didn't have anything to say to her other than to blush. I hope she wasn't watching me change either. How long was she standing here? "Come on." she commanded me as she grabbed my hand with hers. We both have more or less the same hand size though her hands were very smooth and gentle. "You can be my streching partner." she told me as she opened the door as we both walked out into the gym again. That was right about the time I woke up from my dream and had some kind of panic attack figuring out where the hell I was again...oh right my bedroom. It was all just a dream again. Triple sigh. This really sucks to be brutally honest. I wish I could explain how much this sucks. My day is kind of ruined because my dreams like to taunt me like this. Oh well. Back to reality.