Hanging Out With My Crush

Well....I didn't think I would ever had this sort of dream again. It's been like what...a year already? No. Probably longer. Granted, I didn't write shit in my last year dream log and that's probably because my dreams up to that point were either too insignificant to write about or I was just too lazy to put them up. My mistake for sure. But this dream I had before the morning of April 3 had really brought up some old feelings again. No amount of waifu cope or such will make me forget the fact that at one point in my life, I was madly in love with a girl from my past and I still have strong feelings for her despite everything I tried to get her out of my mind. It's been too long at this point. I have to move on. I know it. But something in my mind won't let me. Why? It's just one crush from my high school years. I had other girls that were mostly nice to me in my life and they don't torment my conscious. Why her specifically? I mean, I can ask all sort of questions on why she acted such a way around me or what she even thinks of me. What would she think of me now, that smart underclass kid from class and band moping around in some unimpressive dead end job and still stuck at home. I think my dream answered a few of those.

I was sitting in a coffee shop. I wasn't sure why. I don't drink coffee but I do like the atmosphere of a good coffee shop. Not those shitty Starbucks ones either. Like a quiet, high quality one, though this particular one wasn't really quiet. It was certainly relaxing with how dim the lighting was with all the wooden tables, chairs, and yellow analogue lighting. There's a bit of chatter going on in this coffee shop, but I look ahead of me and sure enough it's my one and only crush sitting across me in our table along with some other guys who I don't recognize but appear to be her friends. She's dressed rather fancy this evening in a Grey and black blouse. I think she's even wearing a tight short skirt too. Not exactly something I'd remember seeing her ever wear but she looks beautiful but still has that tomboyish charm I remember fondly. She also has her hair dyed black. Normally it's brown but I do like this version of her too. It was the last time I saw her when she had her dyed black hair.

She was talking to her other friends who were sitting at our table and at first, it felt like how I was when she had me work in our group project back in my high school years. But then she directed her attention towards me and said:

"Look at you, sitting there all cute and all. You've always been so quiet."

Something in me made me reply without any hesitation which was unusual for me.

"Well that's because I've always been anxious. Sometimes I feel a little unstable in tense situations."

"Do you think you're in a tense situation now?" She asks me.

"Oh not at all. I'm doing okay.

She then smiles at me and pats my cheek which makes me feel a little embarrassed at first but then I smile and start laughing along with her and her friends. One of her friends makes a remark but it felt good spirited so I wasn't bothered.

She then goes on and starts telling her friends about how I was a really good student and band student back in the day and how I was the only tolerable saxophone player in my school band. I had to remark that I really wasn't anything special and she just teased me by claiming I was just being too humble.

The conversation then moved onto more normal topics like movies. She was talking about a scene from that comedy movie: Tropic Thunder. I'm not really into comedy movies or any movies to begin with so I have no interest in the conversation at first. But then she goes on and brings me into the conversation by saying how I am so innocent when it comes to movies. I bring up the fact that I do occasionally like stuff like Stalker, Excalibur, stuff from Akira Kurosawa and other Japanese films and she just calls me a dork in return. But I didn't mind because she was being extremely friendly with her teasing, just as I always remembered.

Suffice to say, I was really comfortable with myself being around her and her friend. So much so, I started to have the urge to want to speak about the feelings I had for her right there and then. But something inside me wouldn't let me. I wanted to tell her so badly, I didn't care if it were in front of her friends either. But all I could do is hold it in. I was smiling, blushing, and laughing as we conversed, most of the topics I do not remember at the later half of this dream, but internally I was screaming to just let out my thoughts about her. Either way, it did feel nice to be part of a social group again where I can talk to people face to face and especially with my crush who I was clearly missing so much all those years later. At some point, she brought up college and I admitted that I flunked out. She just assured me not to feel bad about and that I was fine the way I am. I would always be a genius to her. That last bit really twisted a knot in my stomach because that's all I wanted to hear from someone for so long. I wanted to cry right there and then, even if it would embarrass myself. Why does she have to be so nice to me? But I just shake my head and chuckle the feelings away, pretending to be chill and easy going as everyone else in the group. That really sucked...especially because nothing eventful happened afterwards as the dream ended

I really wished that whole experienced wasn't a dream...but I guess even in my dreams, I was afraid to speak up to her about my thoughts outside of general topics. But I can't let these dreams haunt me anymore. I don't think they do my sanity any good. No matter how comfy and heartfelt these dreams are to me. I can't let them get to me and bother me in reality. They are just dreams after all. It's so over now. My 10s and 20s are past me already. She couldn't confess to me and I couldn't confess to her back then. That's how it played out and that's probably how it was meant to be. Personally, I don't think I am even mature enough for a relation. That random date I had a while back was probably proof of that no matter how much I've matured over my own social anxiety over the years. I guess it must be that obvious to people. But to be frank, I guess it doesn't really bother me anymore that I missed out. But I really wish it wouldn't come up every so often. I'm just to anxious for relationships with others and that's alright. I can be happy on my own and I have for the most part.

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