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Daily Blog 2025

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February 18, 2025: Anxiety and Time Wasted

Haven't made a post in a while. Or at least it feels that way. I've been feeling very anxious lately. I don't know if it's because I'm hungry or I'm just nervous about the future. I'm falling behind in a lot of things: my story, my job applications, my cardio routine. Funny, enough, these past few weeks have been my busiest weeks so far and it was all out of my control. I had to go to a family wedding since one of my older cousins recently got married (for like the 2nd time). I didn't really do anything other than drink tea and eat some good cake so that was okay (Free food is always good) but I mostly sat around and did nothing. Most of my family doesn't really care about me and that's fine. Everyone has their own little problems they have to deal with and so do I.

Just yesterday, my mom got sick with some kind of food poisoning or what I'm starting to think is a stomach virus. She tends to overreact (and to be fair so do I) when she gets sick and I had to take her to the ER to which they just gave her some IV and sent us home after a few hours. The whole thing was nerve wrecking. She's still sick today but she hasn't vomitted all day but she still bed ridden. I'm getting anxiety over that too because now it's certain I might get sick real soon. Stomach virus usually catches up to you in 24hrs after exposure. At least from what I heard, I'm no doctor. I could have sworn I had a stomach virus earlier this year because her symptoms were similiar to mine (upset stomach, aches, high fever) although I didn't really throw up for the one day that I was sick this year. I hope it's not another strain of the stomach virus. I'm feeling a little uneasy and I'm not sure if it's because I think I'm getting sick, I am getting sick, or I'm just hungry. I blew like $100 on groceries such as water, rice, and Jell-o because that's what she wanted for lunch and dinner. I'll never financially recover from that.

I got a few things I have to write about that I've fallen behind. I was working on a new chapter for Mil-Sim Story last week but the whole wedding thing got in the way of my schedule and that's not something I was allowed to miss, no offense. I do have a general idea how to end that section of my story "The Heart's Battlefield". It's going to have four battles in that plot line and I was just getting started on the first one. The final battle will be the tournament match in the story against Vampire Squad before I can move onto part III of the story. When that's done. I'll be halfway done to my story. It's probably the only thing that's been on my mind and it's the number one thing I want to get done this year. I completely missed out a Valentine's Day special but that's whatever. I'm still stuck in the first sememster of the story so it's going to be a long while before I can even get the plot to co-align with the month I'm writing in. At the same time, even when I publish my last chapter, I'm going to have to go back and fix typos, plotholes, ideas that went nowhere, and clean up some of the scenes so I can have quality story that I wouldn't mind shilling around creative circles outside of Neocities. I just want the end product (which will be free btw) to be quality and something anyone can download and read. There's also a little something I've been testing the waters with once I'm done writing that's related to my original story but I've only dipped my toes in developing it. All I can say is, Gameboy Studio is pretty cool and I think making a little tie in tech demo once I'm done with everything would be a nice way to take break from writing. I'll post some of the assets I've been working on with that project over at Waifu Library at some point.

I also have some dreamlogs I have to post about because I started having dreams again. Mostly about school and Uni which sucks but one of them happened to feature my high school crush from years ago whom I haven't even thought about in a long while. I don't want to think about her because then I'll get more anxious; over nothing no less. The chances of me ever seeing her again are at this point zero percent. I'm in my 30s now. High school is already decades behind me. College is getting there too. I'm already feeling like I'm going to break into dust being so old. In my mind, I'm all in on moving on. I don't want to think about missing out on relationships because I got a lot on my plate I want to focus on like finding work, staying in good health, and taking care of my mom, even if she's been treating me like trash for years. At least, she's not my dad who had buggered off elsewhere. I'm glad I got a roof over my head right now, because I really don't want to deal with homelessness, so I'm doing what I can to help, even if this is not ideal.

Otherwise, it's been a pretty boring month. Like I said, I don't like February. Could be worse I guess.

February 7, 2025: Layoffs, Job Hunt, Shotshow, The Sims Anniversary

What a load of crap. So the business I'm working at is undergoing a pretty bad financial down turn because my Boss is horrible with money! He just spent thousands on a trip to Mexico for his girlfriend's birthday. Yeah, not his wife, not to see relatives or whatever, for his girlfriend and the moment he comes back from the trip a few days ago, he's like "Oh shit, I owe thousands in sales tax and inventory because rather than just paying for stuff up front, he makes the orders and waits to pay a month later (via checks through letter may I add!) because he thinks he's saving money that way. It's so backwards and stupid, I even suggested to just pay online using electronic checking. You don't even get charged a credit/debit card processing fee. I know this because I handle the company's sales tax this way. I've done what I could to try to help save hundreds on fees just to keep the company going. So of course, the boss fucks up and all the employees get the shit end and there's potential for layoffs starting next week. My position in particular is highly at risk because he threatened me by saying he could save money by doing all the work himself. Dumbass. You were doing everything with paper, pencil, and a SHARP Printing Calculator from the 80s wasting rolls of paper and money for replacement rolls, instead of using Excel/Libreoffice Math/ or even the operating system's built in calculator in Windows which are all free!

So in the worst case scenario (which is something I always prepare for because I have no trust in this system), I will be laid off soon and I'll no longer receive an income. I don't spend money on anything other than groceries, insurance, gas (which I probably won't be spending much for a while), and bills so at the very least, I do have some savings to get me by while I'll be unemployed. I'll be able to pay some bills for like a few months before I should really start panicking when I can't pay my "rent" to my mom. It's a good thing I have hobbies like vidya and writing which don't cost me anything other than time so I'm not going to be making cuts on that end. The real suck is going to come from job hunting which I know is going to be a pain in the ass, time consuming, and a degrade on my sanity. I have to once again, lie, research how to beat the systems implemented to filter out applications, wait and wait and wait and wait for days hoping I will get an interview from the hundreds of applications that I'm going to have to send in the hopes I can get a job. Not a high paying job. A job. Well at least a job that isn't going to make me die in agony. There's probably hard labor jobs like the oil fields and construction and I'm sure they pay well, but I don't see those jobs worth any kind of money if you're going to be out in the middle of the Texas heat with work conditions on par with guided age factory work. Look up what oil rig workers do on YouTube and try to think how any of that is going to be possible for a 4'11" 115lbs guy with sun allergy health problems. Fun fact, it's February and somehow the temperatures are already in the high 80s and low 90s. This is going to be a real miserable year, I can feel it. But I'm not entirely demoralized. I have a lot to say about the shitty state of the labor market but I feel like I'm preaching to the choir at this point. Anyone who knows, knows at this point.

So on a more interesting note, Shot Show 2025 (Gun E3) is finally over and though I missed a couple of the announcements, I wasn't entirely impressed by this year's new announcements. Just like with E3 or Summer of Games, A lot of the big companies made some teasers and announcements of their new stuff and it was exactly what I described in a post earlier: "Glock-clones, Lever action guns that are way too expensive, and guns that will never see the light of day because they are too ambitious." So the only real exciting thing I saw from Shotshow was the Keltec Stripper clip gun. Yeah. That's not a typo. I called it a clip and not a magazine because it feeds from a clip at the top of the slide and you push the rounds down in the internal magazine like it's a Mauser C96, except it's modern and holds 20 rounds of 5.7x28mm. I just think it's unique and neat. Assuming it's reliable (We are talking about LELtec here), you don't have to go out of your way to buy additional magazines, it'll probably be legal in many states with magazine restrictions, and it's minimalist in terms of form and weight that it's going to be a very comfortable carry piece. It's like something you can carry with jogger shorts without worrying about the weight of the gun sagging them with the right holster setup. 5.7x28mm is a soft shooting round and though a bit small, it's better than 22lr, centerfire so it's more reliable, and you have 20 rounds so you have more than enough to defend yourself with it if you have to. I would consider getting one for myself if I weren't worried about finances right now. It would be cool if there was a 3D printed kind of gun based off this concept of a stripper clip. Something that doesn't use handgun parts would be universally viable in my opinion, like the way the FGC-9 and Harlot are with their construction.

Oh and the Sims just had it's 25th anniversary a while ago and EA released both the Sims 1 and 2 on Steam and origin. They aren't remasters but re-releases with patches to make them run on modern hardware in theory. The problem is, they are overpriced for what they are. It might not seem that way at first because they have a bundle with both games for around $40 when individually, the Sims 1 is $20 and The Sims 2 is $30, but some players are reporting issues with crashes, glitches, and poor performance because both games are using Vulkan which requires more system resources to run on modern systems. This instability seems similar to the way the repacks work from what I heard and those repacks (which you can probably find online if you know where to look) already have patches for scaling and running on modern systems using vulkan backends. I have been using the repacks for both games for a long while (and on GNU/Linux btw) and from my experience, the Sims 1 does crash when you play for long periods of time while The Sims 2 seems to run decently well even on my X230T laptop with low graphical settings. It's not perfect but I have yet to have a crash which is kind of surprising. So I'd imagine those two re-releases are kind of the same and I would suggest if you are interested to look for the repacks instead of buying the games from EA. They blew all of their money on the trailer (which I'm going to be honest, I did kind of like because it has a lot of references to the games but in live action), but from what I can see, all they did was apply fan patches to the games and resold them to their consumer base. These are 20+ year old games. I'm sure most of the developers who worked on these games years ago have moved on or retired and are not going to receive a single cent from this rerelease. The Sims 2 in particular is missing the Ikea Furniture Pack and some music featured in the in-game radio which to be fair you can re-add to these releases but you can just get everything as it was released by downloading the repack instead. Yeah it's going to be a pain in the ass to get running but once you figure it out and have the ability to read, you can get it up and running. I highly recommend The Sims 2 in particular since it's more fun to play than 1 and is nowhere near as brutal (The Sims 1 is a simulation of what it's like to grind and wageslave while you go crazy from not talking to anyone, while the Sims 2 gives you more freedom to do more stuff and create stories and family trees. Basically, the Sims 2 is my escapism to live a life where I can have my own place, get any job I want without jumping through social and algorithmic hoops, and have family and friends...which is something I cannot get in real life. Either that or you can do what I did and make an entire neighborhood where everyone lives in apartment pods in a brutalist min-max society with ugly architecture, homeless tents everywhere, and mandatory wage slaving that Elon Musk could wish he could implement on Americans. "If you want a house with a private bathroom, you're a woke libtard that needs to shut the fuck up and get back to work you entitled snowflake because working 90 hours a week is based and redpilled! Capitalism is so based, you don't even have time to enjoy yourself. You need to be 110 productive 24/7 a week or you're lazy! You need to be working while you are sleeping! Be happy you have a 3'x 9' concrete room with a sleeping bag and shared bathrooms because the moment you say something bad about Israel, you're sleeping in the tents outside in the elements! ALL HAIL ELON MUSK! ALL HAIL BEN SHAPIRO! ALL HAIL CAPITALISM AND ZIONISM...and so forth." Extreme communism, extreme captialism...what's the difference? You'll end up in a concrete pod in a mega city hellhole either way.

January 16, 2024: Recovery, Switch 2, RIP David Lynch

I was fortunate enough to recover rather quickly from my flu like symptoms yesterday. I was bracing myself to be sick for like a week or two like I usually get with these sort of illness but surprisingly my immune system seemed to be working as it should be despite my old age. I want to believe this is some kind of miracle because I usually never recover from something like that so quickly. My fever was pretty high at 103F or about 39C. My bones felt like they were cramping and I had a mild headache that just made me want to lay in bed. It wasn't a severely awful sickness as I said before, I think heat exhaustion and food poisoning are considering much worse compared to the flu. It's been two days and I had recovered about 98 percent with just a little fatigue from being in bed all day yesterday. My room was also considerably cold just like back when I had covid so that didn't make things any better. One thing that significantly helped my fever and pain was honestly a hot shower and borrowing a heater for my room. I also wore more than just gym shorts to sleep so that kept me comfortable until my fever and my headache were gone. Maybe that's what I should had done when I had covid years ago around the same time but my Mom and I were idiots. She kept me locked up in my bedroom and figured I was going to croak eventually. To elaborate, my bedroom is actually what used to be my family's garage. It doesn't get any of the central cooling or heating so it's the coldest room in the winter and the hottest room in the summer. Air circulation isn't all that great either so I have to keep my bedroom door open and therefore I get no privacy when my mom is home.

One thing I wasn't expecting to talk about today is the news that the Switch 2 was announced today and even teased. I'm not a fan of the new design if I have to be completely honest. It's essentially a large switch with slightly redesigned controllers (which are supposed to have a mouse like function now or something I guess. They also teased a new Mario Kart which....I don't know, I'm not convinced it looks any better than the previous Mario Kart Title. DK looks different and there's like 24 racers now that can race all at once. Hm....I'm not exactly excited. To me this Switch 2 seems to be something that out of character for Nintendo. With PlayStation, at least it makes sense to call their next console with a new number (ie PlayStation, PlayStation 2, PlayStation 3, PlayStation 4, PlayStation 0 games, etc). Microsoft is kind of done with the console market so their naming scheme which was already confusing is not going to matter anymore. When SEGA was relevant in the console wars, They had pretty cool names for the consoles (Sega Master System, MegaDrive/Genesis, Saturn, Dreamcast) and Nintendo had something akin to that but with a more gimmick aspect (Nintendo Entertainment System/Famicom, Super Nintendo, Super Famicom, Nintendo 64, Nintendo Gamecube, Wii). While I did love the Wii, I did not like the naming concept for the Wii u, nor did I like the naming convention they used for a while when they would put NEW into their consoles and titles (New Super Mario Bros, New 3DS, New 2DS). The original Switch and Switch lite had it's own identity compared to the other consoles Nintendo released and now that they are making the "Switch 2" I just don't feel like it's going to be a unique console. I mean sure it's more sleek and modern looking but it doesn't look like a Nintendo Console in my opinion. It looks more like those Android gaming devices on Aliexperess. It doesn't even have a proper D-pad which is very disappointing. I would hope the joysticks on the joycons would be more reliable. I haven't encountered any stick drift on my Switch Lite but I know it's a common issue with these consoles that should had been fixed at launch. I also don't like that the Switch 2 is going to be larger. The reason I even got a Switch Lite years ago was primarily because I don't have a TV in my room so I was going to play in handheld mode and the Switch Lite seemed just perfect and cheap enough play Animal Crossing New Horizons at the time.

I don't like big handhelds, it kind of defeats the purpose of a console being portable in the first place. I don't understand how something like the Steam Deck could even be popular consider how HUUUUGE it looks in person. I get that it allows you to play PC games on the couch or on your bed but it's still looks like a massive brick and I feel like playing one in public is going to look more socially awkward than what people were saying years ago about dorks playing Nintendo consoles on the bus (BING BING WAHOO YIPEEE SO LONG GAY BOWSER). Then again, I'm getting old and I don't really care for high school bullshit like public perception as long as you aren't a complete distraction. I don't even ride the bus anymore like I did in college. Even the Switch Lite was too big for me to take on trips if I ever had to leave somewhere. I'd rather opt for my trusty DSI or 3DS, or something like a Chinese Linux handheld. It might just be a personal preference but I am fascinated by small cute tech more than I am some Xbox HUGE devices. I hate the fact that smartphones are so big now. They don't even fit in my pockets anymore.

Another bit of news I wasn't expecting was the announcement of David Lynch passing. I am genuinely sad about this. I haven't seen all of his works (I especially need to see Twin Peaks which is considered his best work) but I have seen The Elephant Man and his Dune adaptation. I know he never really like his own Dune film but I thought it had it's charm, even if it was different from the novel. The Elephant Man was definitely a good film and one of his more approachable films compared to something like Eraserhead. It's based on a tragic historical figure Joseph Merrick who lived a pretty horrific life and the film is very heart breaking. I highly recommend it. It's unfortunate Lynch had to pass. I considered him one of the few good film directors as someone who's not exactly all that into film. He's a funny guy too. You should see the video about his time meeting George Lucas.

January 14, 2024: Here we go again

I'm in no mood to post anything today. I might be catching a cold or flu or covid. It certainly feels like it. Body aches, I feel really really cold even though I am usually pretty good at not being cold. 30-40F might not seem that cold but I don't have a lot of bodyfat to keep me warm and to top it off, I didn't really prepare for winter to be this cold for a long while. Sunday and Saturday were kind of nice. I think my perfect temperature is somewhere around 50-60 degrees. I don't know what happened but last week was brutally cold which I suprisingly did not enjoy. I suppose I got too used to the heat. But certainly, being cold and wet doesn't help at all.

I had to change my car battery last week so I got super busy with IRL stuff, running around in shitty rainy weather. Had to do an oil change on top of that because you're supposed to do it every 5,000 miles. I still need to do the automatic transmission fluid change and that's going to be a nightmare. I don't even want to think about it. Agh. Stomach hurts too. I didn't even eat much.

I really want to get better soon, because I have to renew my car insurance before the 25th. I haven't recieved any letters from my insurance so I don't know if I'm going to have to call them. I hope not. I hate calling people. Speaking of which, I noticed last week while I was at the store that my social skills declined quite a bit. I had a bit of a Joe Biden moment where I had something in my mind I wanted to say but I just stood there going uuuuuhh. Would be nice to work on Mil-Sim Story. I had another chapter in the work but I am honestly to tired to work on it. In fact, I'm about a week behind from my usual pace when it comes to writing chapters.

If I don't get any worse, I might still go to work tomorrow. Nobody really cares if your sick anymore and I sure don't want to lock myself in the room like that one time I got covid around this year. My mom had me quarantined in there for a long while and it probably did more harm than good but now she doesn't care so that's good I guess. I'll probably be fine, I think. Still nowhere near as painful as food poisoning and sun allergies. Hopefully, I'll be back soon. Apologizes for the lazy blog post but I'll make everything right again when I'm not feeling sore and tired. I suppose I can consoom some vidya or anime to get some inspiration for writing while I am out of comission. I have a lot I have to catch up on.

January 3, 2025: Demoralized

And just like, within three days, I'm already being emotionally tortured by my mom again. I really am exhausted from her. I just tired of my family in general. Not including my cousin. We're both in a shitty situation. He just started working about a few months ago and it sounds like hell. He has to scan barcodes at grocery stores and gas stations for some shady advertisment company, putting miles/wear and tear on his car for minimal wage. And keep in mind, he has a bachelor's degree unlike me. He couldn't find work anywhere other than Grubhub, Amazon Flex, and whatever this advertisement company is. I work as a part time bookeeper and accountant. I may as well give you the numbers since I want to be upfront and honest. I don't make a lot of money for an American since I am part time. I made about $18,000 in 2024. Most of the earnings I make go to house bills to help my mom so I don't get booted out, my own health insurance (which I haven't used all year so I might as well be flushing money down the toilet), groceries (which have become relatively expensive), and auto insurance. I suppose I can throw in car maitence like buying coolant so my car's engine doesn't overheat in the middle of summer and I am due for an oil change very very soon. I do manage to keep some savings but it's not in the thousands. Less than that actually. I havne't upgraded my computer or bought any new clothes since last year, although I am grateful for the sweater I got this Christmas. I haven't bought ammo because that's incredibly expensive now and I don't want to burn though my ammo reserves. Maybe the economy might get so bad because the system doesn't realize how bad the labor shortage is, that inflation will soon skyrocket to the roof. I am sure they are planning on letting the economy crash this year under Trump's term. I would say it's not entirely his fault yet but if his cabinet picks are anything to go by, I don't have confidence in his administration fixing anything if they are so bent on cheap labor and extreme worth ethic. I know I haven't shut up about this but this topic has really struck a chord with me. It hits me exactly where it hurts because it's incredibly tiresome to look for new work, new opportunities. My mom doesn't understand this. She thinks I'm being lazy about it. I know guys who can game for hours and hours on end. I don't even have that opportunity to sit down and relax on weekends when I'm not working because my mom is on my ass about how I'm a loser with a dead end job. At this point, it feels like trying to get a job is somehow just as difficult if not more harder than trying to find a girlfriend. But I can't even think about the latter when the former hasn't even been stable enough for me to think about my lack of a love life.

It's not like I haven't tried looking for decent work. I've tried for years. Even before 2020 when things really went to shit, I was struggling with finding work with all the hundreds of applicaitons I sent out. I applied for all kinds of positions such as security work, stacking boxes at warehouses, working at fast food, tutoring jobs, and basically everything I could realistically see myself doing. While I had shifted jobs here and there. None of them were particuarlly high paying nor did they have any benefits. I know I had mentioned in my blog years ago how I used to be a NEET and suffered severe depression until I got my act together and started losing weight and applying for jobs left and right. I'm starting to feel like I miss those NEET days. Working with no prospects in life sucks. Working when with the knowledge that you can easily be replaced by H1B, automation, or AI is incredibly demoralizing. Anyone can do my job. There's nothing secure about my job right now. I don't even think the other jobs I'm applying for right now as an emergency next step in my career goals are going to be stable. We are living in the worst time to even be a wagie. I hate to sound like a communist or socialist but they are sort of right. Our country is being torn appart by dumb lobertarian billionaires and oligarchs who are putting the GDP of this country, productivity, and their own profits/egos over the well being of our own people in this country. This isn't a left or right issue. People need to stop trying to dab on "racist facist chuds" on the right or "snowflake Startbucks socialist" on the left because we are both getting screwed by the billionaires who don't even care about what either political side they take as long as they gain something out of it. As far as I know, both the neoliberals and neo-conservatives all want cheap slave labor to min-max productivity and profits. They treat humans like their robots or assets instead of individuals with goals and desires of their own.

I'm just really tired lately. It was funny and encouraging to see most people wake up to the reality of the problem and I seriously hope the Republican party will address these concerns when they take office in a few weeks. I highly doubt it to be frank. But it hurts me personally when I am surrounded by people, like my mother, and even some of my relatives, who do agree with the corporatist and put the blame entirely on people like me. Just today, I over heard a conversation of boomers laughing that their son is paying thousands of dollars in medical examinations because he hurt his back while working. They said something along the lines of how he's should had gone to college instead of doing manual labor. What's wrong with these people? In my own case, my mom is constantly telling me to look for a better job. To just hurry up and find one that pays more. They aren't out there. Not in this area as far as I know. I looked into my city district to find jobs for something like trash truck driver or libarian. Each application requires you to put out these paragraphs explaining your experiences (or lack thereoff) to the position you are applying for, education and work history, and references. I had to use ChatGPT just to clean out my resume. I hope they aren't smart enough to detect it. It didn't help that I had to make up lies about my experiences in fields I barely have any experience in. But supposedly that's what you have to do to even get into the interview stage as all applications tend to get scanned through some kind filter that removes applications missing certain criterias before going through an HR person and then to an interviewer. I feel sick when I lie. My face gets hot and I seriously lose my appetite. I feel so awful lying but this is the world we live in. People worship scammers and liars over morally good people. It makes me feel nauseous knowing that. I don't even know if these applications I have sent out are ever going to get looked through. Keep in mind these aren't high paying jobs I'm applying for either. It's like $14/hr which is not enough in this economy to even afford an apartment. I just wish I had more connections because that's how I was able to get my bookeeping low accouting job years ago. I was able to help this small company move away from paper and pen paperwork to using digital copies which made bookeeping and keeping track of expenses easier. But I'm fairly sure there's hundreds of other people who could had done the same. I am certain someone overseas can take my job and work for even less than what I'm getting paid.

Don't even get me started on my student loans. I planned on repaying them last year but I soon realized there's no point if there's no guarantee of a stable future ahead of us. I should had never gone to college. I should had never fell for the STEM meme. I don't think I was ever going to be good enough. But even if I did suceed in getting a bachelors, even for a easy stress free liberal arts degree like my cousin did, I probably would still be shit out of luck find a job. I mean don't get me wrong, I feel privlaged to have a job in these hard times. I'm getting paid peanuts sure but peanuts is better than nothing. But my parents never had to deal with this kind of poverty. My mom and dad never went to college. They were able to afford a house and property. In fact, my family would had been considered middle class when they were together. I had friends in elementary school with dads in prison or parents working bottom of the barrel jobs but we still got along and didn't feel competely helpless like how most people feel now. People at the top idolize scamming and shitting all over the poor. People like Ben Shapiro and my mo often make it a point that if a person is poor, it's his or her fault. They should had studied violin harder when they were toddlers or whatever so to speak.

One thing I should had mentioned in my blogs about my life in school is that I was never really bullied by the Jocks and Upper class girls. They were usually very nice and respectful to me even if I was a loner. The thugs were never aggressive towards me. You would see them fight one another but they never went out of their way to make my life hell. But you know who really taunted me, called me a potential school shooter, called me a weirdo with no friends? The nerds, the band nerds, theatre club types, basically the proto-redditors who are probably the dictionary definition of a mid-wit. The Marvel super hero narwal bacon loving dorks who had a supperiority complex over quiet types like myself. I was unfortunate to be around their circles for most of my school life because of my participation in band, in robotics club, in the engineering and science stuff I was invovled in during my summer break. I had never done anything wrong to these people. I had done my very best to be friendly to others, even if I was quiet and akward. I still am unfortunately. I am ashamed to admit, I even bought into their way of thinking for quiet a while even though I was a victim of their superiority scrutiny. I used to believe that regular people, normalfags, were like cattle. The same way a Jew would view gentile except it was nerdy types over someone like a jock or a person in poverty. But then at the same time, these poeple will lie about how they are good people who support things like civil rights or whatever only to mock people for being religious, ill-informed, or poor. I have been guilty of this in the past. But I soon realized it's all bullshit. Everything these nerds with grudges say is bullshit. Unfortunately, as Sam Hyde said, some of them got lucky and now they are making our lives worse across the board with their anti-humanist ideas.

I can't bring myself to hate humanity anymore. I know we are capable of being liars, of doing shitty things to other people, and all that. But I want to believe we have a purpose being here. I want to believe people are capable of being something other than sheep and for the most part, I'm glad to see that's been the case so far. I know I am not the only one feeling this dread in life. That gives me comfort but not in the sense I get any glee from other people's suffering other than from those who grifted or exploited the innocents. Even then, I cannot hate my own bullies either. I'm willing for forgive them for their imperfections. I suppose they want an apology from me too. Sorry for being so socially inept I guess. Sorry for not being smart enough to invent Paypal or not having the idea of scamming Alzheimer patients with a pump and dump scheme drug. I'm sorry for not being a billionaire you can worship. And most importantly, I'm sorry that I am not as smart or creative as you would like me to be. I'm not entirely special. I'm just...human. Maybe not entirely, but I do think I am a human.

Let me try to be somewhat uplifting. At least for today's blog post (hence the break). I am enjoying writing my original story over there at my Waifu Library site. I think when I do eventually finish that story, I'm going to feel accomplished like I never felt in my life. It would be a dream to make something, a fictional story and world, I would personally get behind and perhaps do more with in the future. Potentially more Mil-Sim Story entries in the series, spin offs based on the near-future VR gaming scene my story takes place in (it doesn't even have to invovle the Mil-Sim Story VR game but perhaps another type of game with new characters and perhaps a cameo or two from Mil-Sim Story). I have been thinking of a lot of ideas for my story as well as stuff I can write about once I finish it all but I don't want to be too ambitious right now. At the moment, I'm about 35 percent through Mil-Sim Story in terms of what I written so far. When the whole "Vampire Squad" arc is complete, Mil-Sim Story would be halfway done, so I still have a loooong way to go before the story is over. Originally, I wanted to finish this story by the end of 2024 since the plot takes place during the main cast's first semester of Uni, but it turns out writing a story takes time. It requires some time and dedication which I only get usually at the end of the day. Right after, I publish a chapter and fall asleep. Sometimes I have time in the morning to re-read what I posted for errors or comments. And then I wait a few days before starting a new chapter. Weekends usually give me more time to write or think stuff out but that's assuming I'm not busy with errands or if I deciede to take a break which I do need from time to time. But I am extremely motivated, assuming I'm not as depressed as I'm feeling today, to write new chapters or make new content for my story like audio scenes or Koikatsu renders. It would be cool to do proper animations with voices, plots, and music. It's not impossible using Koikatsu studio but it's not entirely easy either. Especially with my computer rig which can barely run Koikatsu without significantly slowdowns when I have a busy scene. That Christmas video I uploaded on YouTube has been worked on since late October mostly due to my limited time and how laggy it was to get the animations to run at a proper speed without stuttering. So anything involving complex animations will have to wait. I seen some people do comix strips with Koikatsu renders. That's not a bad idea either since it's just images. But for the time being, I'm focused on story writing. All of these recent events and feelings had got me inspired to do a chapter around Raptor Squad, or at least a proper introduction to them in relation to the whole "Vampire Squad" arc that I am writing so far. I suppose I can spoil a little in terms of what ideas I have for this arc. Essentially, it's about staying true to friends, not falling for temptations, being motivated to suceed and do the right thing when things aren't looking good, and forgiveness. I'll say that much for now.

I was planning to do some cardio today but as mentioned before, I'm feeling down right now. I don't think I should stress my body today. It's times like this were I think a video game break, a few funny YouTube videos, or some relaxing music will bring my mood back up in the morning. I certainly want to start writing more Mil-Sim Story soon because I do enjoy it. I love the Chinese handheld I got for Christmas from my cousin. I want to give it more time before I can even recommend it or have a say about how it functions. So far, I put MuOS on my RG35XXSP and it's been running smoothly. I learned about PICO-8 games and started playing a few of those games. They are interesting to say the least. I even have some 4:3 video content like anime and some ripped YouTube videos that I put into my SD card with roms and I was able to watch some anime AMVs, Youtube Poops, and even tested out a movie (The Sky Crawlers with subs) which played great because MuOS has MPV player. It would had probably been better to watch something that was native 4:3 instead of 16:9 scaled down in that case but it was okay. Most people wouldn't consider a 4:3 aspect for watching media but I grew up watching content with 4:3 aspect ratio so it's not entirely strange to me. Plus I think it's nifty to watch videos on something that looks like a Gameboy Advance SP.

January 1, 2025: My first blog post (plz no bully...SIKE): New year days, Student Films, Shotshow 2025?

Hello! Oh God I'm so nervous! This is my first blog post. I don't know what to say. Where do I even begin? Ah man, I never done blogging before....jeez this is so nerve wrecking...aaah just kidding! I've been blogging since 2020. Good to still be alive in 2025. Even if life is shitty. It's shitty for everyone. I don't know many people who are doing well for themselves. Maybe older Millenials and most people older than that. For late Millenials like myself and everyone younger, unless you had good connections and a life all setup for you, chances are life isn't so good either. Yet here we are. What do we do?

But enough about existentialism. I saw that Sam Hyde video on the 31st and It's right on the mark. I said something similiar in my blog post but Sam probably said it better. I'm a bit see-saw mixed on Sam Hyde but that video was good. Someone like him had to say it because people like us aren't going to be heard. 2025 was the year of the grifters as I said before. I would go as far as to call it the year LOLbertarianism died. Good riddance. I can't believe I used to subscribe to that ideology years ago. I was an idiot; maybe I still am. I'm not shy to admit that.

I was able to update this site fairly quickly thanks to my day off. I didn't do anything yesterday or today for that matter. I was dead sleep when the firework and gunshots outside were going off. That's fine by me. I suppose my cousin and I could had done something together like some previous New Years celebrations, usually we watch YouTube Poops, play some N64, Dreamcast, or Gamecube games, and sometimes we have a good laugh at some college movies. I gotta talk about the later because I think most people don't realize some of the comedy potential you can get out of watching crappy student films.

My cousin went to college for a film/theatre degree. In a way, we are both closely tied to the creative arts (Music in my case except I didn't go to college for a music degree, I listened to my teachers and the "experts" by going with STEM and paid the price for it). He would tell me about how many of the film projects made by other students were some of the worst films he'd ever seen. Not even in a sense the plot or acting is bad (and they mostly are!) but the technical details like the sound quality, the camera work, the essential basics of film making you would think they would hammer in to film students, are like the toppings of an unintentionally funny wreck. And I know I might be sounding like an film elitist here. I'm not. I haven't filmed anything other than my Arduino project thing on YouTube. My LG phone has a shitty camera that looks like something from 2006 despite having a "4K" camera. 4K what...4kbs? The truth is, I know absolutely very little about film work, filming formats, all of those technical details with video condecs that MPV users and serious film makers mess around with. But even a completely moron like myself can objectively complain about the fact that a "very serious" student film made by film students is terrible because I can hear the wind going PFPPFPFPFPFPPFPFPFPFPFPF over the camera's microphone and can barely hear the "actors" talking because they are filming outside during the day. The film is shit because the guy who is supposed to be playing a police officer role, is wearing a Playstation t-shirt and cargo shorts along with his other police officer guys who are dressed like they are going to lecture in the middle of August. And then the scene is supposed to be super serious because this student film is about a future where Minorities are hunted down for sport or something incredibly stupid like that and the main character in this film who is a minority in this film gets ambused by gamers...uh...I mean police offers and basically the dialogue goes something like this. Try to image the crappy audio I mentioned with the wind being too loud and some of the most driest acting you can think of:

The scene plays out in black and white (because filming in black and white is so ARTSY and means the film is le heckin deep bruh! The music is foreboding and I'm honestly not sure if it was taken out of a real movie or if it's some stock library track but the music implies the scene is supposed to be serious right? The minority main character is walking down the sidewalk (with the camera man right behind him because you can see his shadow) which is totally not the University grounds XD XD It's supposed to be Houston in 2099! You then see the gamers...I mean cops standing right in front of him doing nothing and waiting until he's in proximity so they can say their line.

"Hey you! You aren't allowed to be here. Go back where you came from!"

"But I haven't done anythign wrong! Why can't I be here! I'm human like you!

"Oh so you aren't going to listen! Time to teach you the hard way! Get him!"

The gam...I mean cops then proceed to beat him up. The minority gets fake punked with a shitty jump cut of the actors fist on his face with the sound effect of "SHOOOOORYUUKEN" which is a voice sample from Ryo (Street Fighter 2) for some bizzare reason. And when he's on the ground in a fetal postion, they start fake kicking him like DeNiro does in the Irishman and it's all fake video game punching sounds (again probably from Street Fighter 2). And apparently the fake kicking was too much for the minority character he straight up dies even though he doesn't change position when he's on the ground nor is he screaming in pain. The only reason you know he's dead is because when the game...cops stop kicking him and leave him on the ground, you hear the Mortal Combat announce say "Fatality" before the scene fades to black. The scene right after is just a bunch of monologue from some girl talking about how history repeats and blah blah blah this film is deep and totally has meaning! Then the credits role and for some baffling reason, they go ahead and add bloopers at the end. To be honest, the short film was funnier than the bloopers which is just the actors forgetting their lines.

So yeah, that's how the student film played out which I saw with my cousin years ago. He showed me a few more which were kind of funny too last year when I was over at his place for his birthday. I didn't get to hang out with my cousin on the night before the new year, but he was feeling pretty tired too so it's all good. My point being, if you are bored of the sterile YouTube videos in your feed, just search up your local or state University/college film. It's going to be a lot funnier if it's local to your area because you'll be able to pick out filming locales and recognize them which adds to the comedy. I wouldn't bother with the actually good films. You can tell which one those are because they have actual camera work and film with something other than an Iphone. It has to look worse than a budget YouTuber short film.

That's all I had to say for today. Oh and Shotshow 2025 is coming up real soon. Gunshow E3 or whatever. That gives me something to look forward too. Can't wait to see another Not-A-Glock clone, double stack sub-compact 9mm, and gucci ARs all over again because like every other industry, gun manufacturs are always 5 years behind what the people want. RIP that PSA STG44 clone, but I suppose that's to be expected if American companies can't even get AK manufacturing right. I mean don't get me wrong, I like my PSA GF3 AKM but I have no idea if it's going to outlast an import AK from a former com-bloc country like Romania or Hungary. I probably will never know because 7.62 is expensive and I'll never get to 15,000 rounds through it when the nitride barrel will be worn out. I wish I bought a Type 56 SKS when they were $300 back in the start of 2020. I wouldn't have bothered with American AKs if I had a Type 56 SKS. Last year, it a bunch of tactical lever action rifles because everyone thought Biden was going to win the election in 2024 and semi-autos were going to be MEGA BANNED HAMMERED by 2025, which of course did not happen. So now all of that resources and panic planning went down the drain. They should sell those lever actions to Australia. I think they are legal for licensed owners over there.