Daily Blog 2025
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January 14, 2024: Here we go again
I'm in no mood to post anything today. I might be catching a cold or flu or covid. It certainly feels like it. Body aches, I feel really really cold even though I am usually pretty good at not being cold. 30-40F might not seem that cold but I don't have a lot of bodyfat to keep me warm and to top it off, I didn't really prepare for winter to be this cold for a long while. Sunday and Saturday were kind of nice. I think my perfect temperature is somewhere around 50-60 degrees. I don't know what happened but last week was brutally cold which I suprisingly did not enjoy. I suppose I got too used to the heat. But certainly, being cold and wet doesn't help at all.
I had to change my car battery last week so I got super busy with IRL stuff, running around in shitty rainy weather. Had to do an oil change on top of that because you're supposed to do it every 5,000 miles. I still need to do the automatic transmission fluid change and that's going to be a nightmare. I don't even want to think about it. Agh. Stomach hurts too. I didn't even eat much.
I really want to get better soon, because I have to renew my car insurance before the 25th. I haven't recieved any letters from my insurance so I don't know if I'm going to have to call them. I hope not. I hate calling people. Speaking of which, I noticed last week while I was at the store that my social skills declined quite a bit. I had a bit of a Joe Biden moment where I had something in my mind I wanted to say but I just stood there going uuuuuhh. Would be nice to work on Mil-Sim Story. I had another chapter in the work but I am honestly to tired to work on it. In fact, I'm about a week behind from my usual pace when it comes to writing chapters.
If I don't get any worse, I might still go to work tomorrow. Nobody really cares if your sick anymore and I sure don't want to lock myself in the room like that one time I got covid around this year. My mom had me quarantined in there for a long while and it probably did more harm than good but now she doesn't care so that's good I guess. I'll probably be fine, I think. Still nowhere near as painful as food poisoning and sun allergies. Hopefully, I'll be back soon. Apologizes for the lazy blog post but I'll make everything right again when I'm not feeling sore and tired. I suppose I can consoom some vidya or anime to get some inspiration for writing while I am out of comission. I have a lot I have to catch up on.
January 3, 2025: Demoralized
And just like, within three days, I'm already being emotionally tortured by my mom again. I really am exhausted from her. I just tired of my family in general. Not including my cousin. We're both in a shitty situation. He just started working about a few months ago and it sounds like hell. He has to scan barcodes at grocery stores and gas stations for some shady advertisment company, putting miles/wear and tear on his car for minimal wage. And keep in mind, he has a bachelor's degree unlike me. He couldn't find work anywhere other than Grubhub, Amazon Flex, and whatever this advertisement company is. I work as a part time bookeeper and accountant. I may as well give you the numbers since I want to be upfront and honest. I don't make a lot of money for an American since I am part time. I made about $18,000 in 2024. Most of the earnings I make go to house bills to help my mom so I don't get booted out, my own health insurance (which I haven't used all year so I might as well be flushing money down the toilet), groceries (which have become relatively expensive), and auto insurance. I suppose I can throw in car maitence like buying coolant so my car's engine doesn't overheat in the middle of summer and I am due for an oil change very very soon. I do manage to keep some savings but it's not in the thousands. Less than that actually. I havne't upgraded my computer or bought any new clothes since last year, although I am grateful for the sweater I got this Christmas. I haven't bought ammo because that's incredibly expensive now and I don't want to burn though my ammo reserves. Maybe the economy might get so bad because the system doesn't realize how bad the labor shortage is, that inflation will soon skyrocket to the roof. I am sure they are planning on letting the economy crash this year under Trump's term. I would say it's not entirely his fault yet but if his cabinet picks are anything to go by, I don't have confidence in his administration fixing anything if they are so bent on cheap labor and extreme worth ethic. I know I haven't shut up about this but this topic has really struck a chord with me. It hits me exactly where it hurts because it's incredibly tiresome to look for new work, new opportunities. My mom doesn't understand this. She thinks I'm being lazy about it. I know guys who can game for hours and hours on end. I don't even have that opportunity to sit down and relax on weekends when I'm not working because my mom is on my ass about how I'm a loser with a dead end job. At this point, it feels like trying to get a job is somehow just as difficult if not more harder than trying to find a girlfriend. But I can't even think about the latter when the former hasn't even been stable enough for me to think about my lack of a love life.
It's not like I haven't tried looking for decent work. I've tried for years. Even before 2020 when things really went to shit, I was struggling with finding work with all the hundreds of applicaitons I sent out. I applied for all kinds of positions such as security work, stacking boxes at warehouses, working at fast food, tutoring jobs, and basically everything I could realistically see myself doing. While I had shifted jobs here and there. None of them were particuarlly high paying nor did they have any benefits. I know I had mentioned in my blog years ago how I used to be a NEET and suffered severe depression until I got my act together and started losing weight and applying for jobs left and right. I'm starting to feel like I miss those NEET days. Working with no prospects in life sucks. Working when with the knowledge that you can easily be replaced by H1B, automation, or AI is incredibly demoralizing. Anyone can do my job. There's nothing secure about my job right now. I don't even think the other jobs I'm applying for right now as an emergency next step in my career goals are going to be stable. We are living in the worst time to even be a wagie. I hate to sound like a communist or socialist but they are sort of right. Our country is being torn appart by dumb lobertarian billionaires and oligarchs who are putting the GDP of this country, productivity, and their own profits/egos over the well being of our own people in this country. This isn't a left or right issue. People need to stop trying to dab on "racist facist chuds" on the right or "snowflake Startbucks socialist" on the left because we are both getting screwed by the billionaires who don't even care about what either political side they take as long as they gain something out of it. As far as I know, both the neoliberals and neo-conservatives all want cheap slave labor to min-max productivity and profits. They treat humans like their robots or assets instead of individuals with goals and desires of their own.
I'm just really tired lately. It was funny and encouraging to see most people wake up to the reality of the problem and I seriously hope the Republican party will address these concerns when they take office in a few weeks. I highly doubt it to be frank. But it hurts me personally when I am surrounded by people, like my mother, and even some of my relatives, who do agree with the corporatist and put the blame entirely on people like me. Just today, I over heard a conversation of boomers laughing that their son is paying thousands of dollars in medical examinations because he hurt his back while working. They said something along the lines of how he's should had gone to college instead of doing manual labor. What's wrong with these people? In my own case, my mom is constantly telling me to look for a better job. To just hurry up and find one that pays more. They aren't out there. Not in this area as far as I know. I looked into my city district to find jobs for something like trash truck driver or libarian. Each application requires you to put out these paragraphs explaining your experiences (or lack thereoff) to the position you are applying for, education and work history, and references. I had to use ChatGPT just to clean out my resume. I hope they aren't smart enough to detect it. It didn't help that I had to make up lies about my experiences in fields I barely have any experience in. But supposedly that's what you have to do to even get into the interview stage as all applications tend to get scanned through some kind filter that removes applications missing certain criterias before going through an HR person and then to an interviewer. I feel sick when I lie. My face gets hot and I seriously lose my appetite. I feel so awful lying but this is the world we live in. People worship scammers and liars over morally good people. It makes me feel nauseous knowing that. I don't even know if these applications I have sent out are ever going to get looked through. Keep in mind these aren't high paying jobs I'm applying for either. It's like $14/hr which is not enough in this economy to even afford an apartment. I just wish I had more connections because that's how I was able to get my bookeeping low accouting job years ago. I was able to help this small company move away from paper and pen paperwork to using digital copies which made bookeeping and keeping track of expenses easier. But I'm fairly sure there's hundreds of other people who could had done the same. I am certain someone overseas can take my job and work for even less than what I'm getting paid.
Don't even get me started on my student loans. I planned on repaying them last year but I soon realized there's no point if there's no guarantee of a stable future ahead of us. I should had never gone to college. I should had never fell for the STEM meme. I don't think I was ever going to be good enough. But even if I did suceed in getting a bachelors, even for a easy stress free liberal arts degree like my cousin did, I probably would still be shit out of luck find a job. I mean don't get me wrong, I feel privlaged to have a job in these hard times. I'm getting paid peanuts sure but peanuts is better than nothing. But my parents never had to deal with this kind of poverty. My mom and dad never went to college. They were able to afford a house and property. In fact, my family would had been considered middle class when they were together. I had friends in elementary school with dads in prison or parents working bottom of the barrel jobs but we still got along and didn't feel competely helpless like how most people feel now. People at the top idolize scamming and shitting all over the poor. People like Ben Shapiro and my mo often make it a point that if a person is poor, it's his or her fault. They should had studied violin harder when they were toddlers or whatever so to speak.
One thing I should had mentioned in my blogs about my life in school is that I was never really bullied by the Jocks and Upper class girls. They were usually very nice and respectful to me even if I was a loner. The thugs were never aggressive towards me. You would see them fight one another but they never went out of their way to make my life hell. But you know who really taunted me, called me a potential school shooter, called me a weirdo with no friends? The nerds, the band nerds, theatre club types, basically the proto-redditors who are probably the dictionary definition of a mid-wit. The Marvel super hero narwal bacon loving dorks who had a supperiority complex over quiet types like myself. I was unfortunate to be around their circles for most of my school life because of my participation in band, in robotics club, in the engineering and science stuff I was invovled in during my summer break. I had never done anything wrong to these people. I had done my very best to be friendly to others, even if I was quiet and akward. I still am unfortunately. I am ashamed to admit, I even bought into their way of thinking for quiet a while even though I was a victim of their superiority scrutiny. I used to believe that regular people, normalfags, were like cattle. The same way a Jew would view gentile except it was nerdy types over someone like a jock or a person in poverty. But then at the same time, these poeple will lie about how they are good people who support things like civil rights or whatever only to mock people for being religious, ill-informed, or poor. I have been guilty of this in the past. But I soon realized it's all bullshit. Everything these nerds with grudges say is bullshit. Unfortunately, as Sam Hyde said, some of them got lucky and now they are making our lives worse across the board with their anti-humanist ideas.
I can't bring myself to hate humanity anymore. I know we are capable of being liars, of doing shitty things to other people, and all that. But I want to believe we have a purpose being here. I want to believe people are capable of being something other than sheep and for the most part, I'm glad to see that's been the case so far. I know I am not the only one feeling this dread in life. That gives me comfort but not in the sense I get any glee from other people's suffering other than from those who grifted or exploited the innocents. Even then, I cannot hate my own bullies either. I'm willing for forgive them for their imperfections. I suppose they want an apology from me too. Sorry for being so socially inept I guess. Sorry for not being smart enough to invent Paypal or not having the idea of scamming Alzheimer patients with a pump and dump scheme drug. I'm sorry for not being a billionaire you can worship. And most importantly, I'm sorry that I am not as smart or creative as you would like me to be. I'm not entirely special. I'm just...human. Maybe not entirely, but I do think I am a human.
Let me try to be somewhat uplifting. At least for today's blog post (hence the break). I am enjoying writing my original story over there at my Waifu Library site. I think when I do eventually finish that story, I'm going to feel accomplished like I never felt in my life. It would be a dream to make something, a fictional story and world, I would personally get behind and perhaps do more with in the future. Potentially more Mil-Sim Story entries in the series, spin offs based on the near-future VR gaming scene my story takes place in (it doesn't even have to invovle the Mil-Sim Story VR game but perhaps another type of game with new characters and perhaps a cameo or two from Mil-Sim Story). I have been thinking of a lot of ideas for my story as well as stuff I can write about once I finish it all but I don't want to be too ambitious right now. At the moment, I'm about 35 percent through Mil-Sim Story in terms of what I written so far. When the whole "Vampire Squad" arc is complete, Mil-Sim Story would be halfway done, so I still have a loooong way to go before the story is over. Originally, I wanted to finish this story by the end of 2024 since the plot takes place during the main cast's first semester of Uni, but it turns out writing a story takes time. It requires some time and dedication which I only get usually at the end of the day. Right after, I publish a chapter and fall asleep. Sometimes I have time in the morning to re-read what I posted for errors or comments. And then I wait a few days before starting a new chapter. Weekends usually give me more time to write or think stuff out but that's assuming I'm not busy with errands or if I deciede to take a break which I do need from time to time. But I am extremely motivated, assuming I'm not as depressed as I'm feeling today, to write new chapters or make new content for my story like audio scenes or Koikatsu renders. It would be cool to do proper animations with voices, plots, and music. It's not impossible using Koikatsu studio but it's not entirely easy either. Especially with my computer rig which can barely run Koikatsu without significantly slowdowns when I have a busy scene. That Christmas video I uploaded on YouTube has been worked on since late October mostly due to my limited time and how laggy it was to get the animations to run at a proper speed without stuttering. So anything involving complex animations will have to wait. I seen some people do comix strips with Koikatsu renders. That's not a bad idea either since it's just images. But for the time being, I'm focused on story writing. All of these recent events and feelings had got me inspired to do a chapter around Raptor Squad, or at least a proper introduction to them in relation to the whole "Vampire Squad" arc that I am writing so far. I suppose I can spoil a little in terms of what ideas I have for this arc. Essentially, it's about staying true to friends, not falling for temptations, being motivated to suceed and do the right thing when things aren't looking good, and forgiveness. I'll say that much for now.
I was planning to do some cardio today but as mentioned before, I'm feeling down right now. I don't think I should stress my body today. It's times like this were I think a video game break, a few funny YouTube videos, or some relaxing music will bring my mood back up in the morning. I certainly want to start writing more Mil-Sim Story soon because I do enjoy it. I love the Chinese handheld I got for Christmas from my cousin. I want to give it more time before I can even recommend it or have a say about how it functions. So far, I put MuOS on my RG35XXSP and it's been running smoothly. I learned about PICO-8 games and started playing a few of those games. They are interesting to say the least. I even have some 4:3 video content like anime and some ripped YouTube videos that I put into my SD card with roms and I was able to watch some anime AMVs, Youtube Poops, and even tested out a movie (The Sky Crawlers with subs) which played great because MuOS has MPV player. It would had probably been better to watch something that was native 4:3 instead of 16:9 scaled down in that case but it was okay. Most people wouldn't consider a 4:3 aspect for watching media but I grew up watching content with 4:3 aspect ratio so it's not entirely strange to me. Plus I think it's nifty to watch videos on something that looks like a Gameboy Advance SP.
January 1, 2025: My first blog post (plz no bully...SIKE): New year days, Student Films, Shotshow 2025?
Hello! Oh God I'm so nervous! This is my first blog post. I don't know what to say. Where do I even begin? Ah man, I never done blogging before....jeez this is so nerve wrecking...aaah just kidding! I've been blogging since 2020. Good to still be alive in 2025. Even if life is shitty. It's shitty for everyone. I don't know many people who are doing well for themselves. Maybe older Millenials and most people older than that. For late Millenials like myself and everyone younger, unless you had good connections and a life all setup for you, chances are life isn't so good either. Yet here we are. What do we do?
But enough about existentialism. I saw that Sam Hyde video on the 31st and It's right on the mark. I said something similiar in my blog post but Sam probably said it better. I'm a bit see-saw mixed on Sam Hyde but that video was good. Someone like him had to say it because people like us aren't going to be heard. 2025 was the year of the grifters as I said before. I would go as far as to call it the year LOLbertarianism died. Good riddance. I can't believe I used to subscribe to that ideology years ago. I was an idiot; maybe I still am. I'm not shy to admit that.
I was able to update this site fairly quickly thanks to my day off. I didn't do anything yesterday or today for that matter. I was dead sleep when the firework and gunshots outside were going off. That's fine by me. I suppose my cousin and I could had done something together like some previous New Years celebrations, usually we watch YouTube Poops, play some N64, Dreamcast, or Gamecube games, and sometimes we have a good laugh at some college movies. I gotta talk about the later because I think most people don't realize some of the comedy potential you can get out of watching crappy student films.
My cousin went to college for a film/theatre degree. In a way, we are both closely tied to the creative arts (Music in my case except I didn't go to college for a music degree, I listened to my teachers and the "experts" by going with STEM and paid the price for it). He would tell me about how many of the film projects made by other students were some of the worst films he'd ever seen. Not even in a sense the plot or acting is bad (and they mostly are!) but the technical details like the sound quality, the camera work, the essential basics of film making you would think they would hammer in to film students, are like the toppings of an unintentionally funny wreck. And I know I might be sounding like an film elitist here. I'm not. I haven't filmed anything other than my Arduino project thing on YouTube. My LG phone has a shitty camera that looks like something from 2006 despite having a "4K" camera. 4K what...4kbs? The truth is, I know absolutely very little about film work, filming formats, all of those technical details with video condecs that MPV users and serious film makers mess around with. But even a completely moron like myself can objectively complain about the fact that a "very serious" student film made by film students is terrible because I can hear the wind going PFPPFPFPFPFPPFPFPFPFPFPF over the camera's microphone and can barely hear the "actors" talking because they are filming outside during the day. The film is shit because the guy who is supposed to be playing a police officer role, is wearing a Playstation t-shirt and cargo shorts along with his other police officer guys who are dressed like they are going to lecture in the middle of August. And then the scene is supposed to be super serious because this student film is about a future where Minorities are hunted down for sport or something incredibly stupid like that and the main character in this film who is a minority in this film gets ambused by gamers...uh...I mean police offers and basically the dialogue goes something like this. Try to image the crappy audio I mentioned with the wind being too loud and some of the most driest acting you can think of:
The scene plays out in black and white (because filming in black and white is so ARTSY and means the film is le heckin deep bruh! The music is foreboding and I'm honestly not sure if it was taken out of a real movie or if it's some stock library track but the music implies the scene is supposed to be serious right? The minority main character is walking down the sidewalk (with the camera man right behind him because you can see his shadow) which is totally not the University grounds XD XD It's supposed to be Houston in 2099! You then see the gamers...I mean cops standing right in front of him doing nothing and waiting until he's in proximity so they can say their line.
"Hey you! You aren't allowed to be here. Go back where you came from!"
"But I haven't done anythign wrong! Why can't I be here! I'm human like you!
"Oh so you aren't going to listen! Time to teach you the hard way! Get him!"
The gam...I mean cops then proceed to beat him up. The minority gets fake punked with a shitty jump cut of the actors fist on his face with the sound effect of "SHOOOOORYUUKEN" which is a voice sample from Ryo (Street Fighter 2) for some bizzare reason. And when he's on the ground in a fetal postion, they start fake kicking him like DeNiro does in the Irishman and it's all fake video game punching sounds (again probably from Street Fighter 2). And apparently the fake kicking was too much for the minority character he straight up dies even though he doesn't change position when he's on the ground nor is he screaming in pain. The only reason you know he's dead is because when the game...cops stop kicking him and leave him on the ground, you hear the Mortal Combat announce say "Fatality" before the scene fades to black. The scene right after is just a bunch of monologue from some girl talking about how history repeats and blah blah blah this film is deep and totally has meaning! Then the credits role and for some baffling reason, they go ahead and add bloopers at the end. To be honest, the short film was funnier than the bloopers which is just the actors forgetting their lines.
So yeah, that's how the student film played out which I saw with my cousin years ago. He showed me a few more which were kind of funny too last year when I was over at his place for his birthday. I didn't get to hang out with my cousin on the night before the new year, but he was feeling pretty tired too so it's all good. My point being, if you are bored of the sterile YouTube videos in your feed, just search up your local or state University/college film. It's going to be a lot funnier if it's local to your area because you'll be able to pick out filming locales and recognize them which adds to the comedy. I wouldn't bother with the actually good films. You can tell which one those are because they have actual camera work and film with something other than an Iphone. It has to look worse than a budget YouTuber short film.
That's all I had to say for today. Oh and Shotshow 2025 is coming up real soon. Gunshow E3 or whatever. That gives me something to look forward too. Can't wait to see another Not-A-Glock clone, double stack sub-compact 9mm, and gucci ARs all over again because like every other industry, gun manufacturs are always 5 years behind what the people want. RIP that PSA STG44 clone, but I suppose that's to be expected if American companies can't even get AK manufacturing right. I mean don't get me wrong, I like my PSA GF3 AKM but I have no idea if it's going to outlast an import AK from a former com-bloc country like Romania or Hungary. I probably will never know because 7.62 is expensive and I'll never get to 15,000 rounds through it when the nitride barrel will be worn out. I wish I bought a Type 56 SKS when they were $300 back in the start of 2020. I wouldn't have bothered with American AKs if I had a Type 56 SKS. Last year, it a bunch of tactical lever action rifles because everyone thought Biden was going to win the election in 2024 and semi-autos were going to be MEGA BANNED HAMMERED by 2025, which of course did not happen. So now all of that resources and panic planning went down the drain. They should sell those lever actions to Australia. I think they are legal for licensed owners over there.