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Daily Blog 2024

A personal diary of current events and feelings.

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April 7, 2024: Lack of sleep.

My sleep schedule is all over the place. I am finding it difficult to sleep through the night and I'm having trouble falling asleep. I'm not nervous about anything personally, but it does feel very hot in my room right now now that the temperatures are getting up there, especially in the afternoon. I had to buy a new bedside fan and it's still not enough. I have a ceiling fan too and it still feels way to warm. My pets probably like it, but I find it very uncomfortable. I woke up around 3:00 in the morning and I was drentched in sweat. I couldn't fall back to sleep even if I tried. What sucks about it is the fact my room is located east-side of my mom's house. Usually late at noon, the sun is shinning on my side of the room and since the house is all brick, it tends to heat up really quickly and stays hot even throughout the night. I don't know what I can do to solve this problem other than cutting a hole in my room and adding more circulation. Maybe I can put a shade on the outside of my roomside. I honestly don't know. Eitherway, I feel absolute tired as shit and not motivated to do anything other than sleep...well except for now to blog about it for a bit.

There's a solar eclipse or something tomorrow? I haven't really been paying attention to news anymore but I heard a bunch of silly things like the power going out and the whole world becoming Mad Max because of it. I don't think it's going to happen. Funny thing, during the last eclipse, I didn't even know what was going on or why it was so dark so I look up to the sky and looked at the sun and blinded myself temporarily because I am an idiot. But I won't do that again this year.

Still playing around with Haiku. I also started considering moving from Linux Mint to a non-System D distro like Devuan. I have another SSD with an install of Devuan and I like it so far. Haven't ran into any issues yet. I have been pretty lucky with my distro-hopping experiments lately. But the reason I wanted to move to Devuan was because of that major XZ backdoor that was discovered a few weeks ago. Old news I know and honestly, I wasn't even affected by it in the slightest because Mint is one of those stable distros and the glowies who tried to put that backdoor got BTFO'd. I don't see this a win (lmao no pun intended) for Windows because Windows itself is already a malware backdoor operating system by design. At work, we have our two computers running Windows 11 and it's one of the most revolting operating systems I'd ever used or seen. Like the desktop layout is all messed up from what I've been used to on Windows 10 and 7. It's constantly showing ads and unwanted shit, and you're constantly forced to update everytime you shutdown or log off. How do Normans even put up with all this? Using Windows 11 is like trying to watch YouTube without Ublock Origin or an offshoot like Freetube/NewPipe/Youtube Revanced. It's a bit silly but I guess most people are morons including myself so I can't blame them.

Oh and I probably have lead poisoning now. Not because of range time because ammo is still too expensive to buy and waste but from doing a few soldering projects lately. It's been a while since I soldered anything and I honestly wish I had more time doing hands-on soldering projects when I was in Uni but apparently learning MathLab, Differential Equations, and taking exams without a calculator is something Engineers really have to learn apparently but that was a long time ago. I lost the ability to do basic math at this point so going back to finish my degree is a lost cause. Soldering isn't difficult to be fair. As Louis Rossmann stated: "A monkey can do it." I don't know what he's doing in Austin. Austin is terrible. The traffic, the heat, the coffee shops, the roads that go up and down hills until you are motion sick, and so many homeless, you'd think you were in L.A. but with more miserable weather. But that's off topic. Yeah, I finished up my IPS mod on my PSP 1000 and it looks fantastic. I watched Girls und Panzer Das Finale Pt. 4 now that the fansub is out (Thanks /ak/ team.) and I used handbrake to convert it to a PSP format easily. It's not too bad and the compressed movie only takes up around 400 mb which leaves me plenty of space to convert another movies or add more games to my 32gb SD card adapter. I also modded my Koss Porta Pros with MMCX detachable cables which is one of those cheap mods you can do so you don't have to deal with the crappy wires Koss keeps using on their headphones.

That's about all. Might do some cardio tonight if I have the energy. Then I'll play with Haiku some more. I've been quite impressed with it so far with the games I tried but the lack of GPU acceleration really limits you to stuff that can work through software rendering only.

March 16, 2024: Compoooters

I replaced a broken Bezel on my X230T yesterday. Easier than I expected. Now my main laptop looks completely refurbished. I'm not planning on getting rid of it anytime soon. GNU/Linux still runs perfectly fine and lite gaming is reasonable on it. But as far as my secondary laptop, the X240 which has been off on the side burner for a while, I decide to use that to give a little operating system called Haiku a try.

So far, I really do like using Haiku even though stuff like the volume media keys and brightness keys don't necessarily work. I tried making scripts for adjusting the brightness and volume but to no avail. You do get a bash terminal like in GNU/Linux and a dedicated packagemanger that has some familiar free software like RetroArch, LibreOffice, Vim, and all that but there's not a whole lot of stuff you can really get. I really do like the feature of putting applications together into a single window with tabs and I do like the whole 90s operating system feel and aesthetic of Haiku (It is inspired by Be OS after all). But I don't think it's daily driver ready, at least on a laptop like the X240. Still, I'm keeping it around and I'll probably use it to run LibreOffice for my accounting work that I do for a living so that will let me mess with it some more. It kind of feels like using Linux for the first time. It's quite interesting...or at least I think it is.

Also on the same topic, I've been planning a budget to finally replace my aging old desktop. I just want something nicer and with more preformance than my shitty Dell Desktop from 2012. I know Nvidia is all the rage and shit when it comes to Stable Diffusion and AI stuff but because I want to mainly stick with GNU/Linux as I do on my old shitty Dell, I might go with the AMD CPU and GPU route...or maybe Intel and AMD GPU combo. I don't want to spend a whole lot of money on a new rig, but something mid-range would be acceptable. I'm not planning on running TRIPLE A QUADRUPLE A CINTRIPLE A video games on max settings, why would I ever play those games, but being able to run some emulators upscaled and maybe some Vintage Story with some nice graphical settings would be really nice. Plus I can pick a nice classy case and all that good stuff. If I have to be blunt, I never built a PC rig before. At least not from parts. I've opened a few prebuilts and even upgraded stuff that I owned but I was always restricted by OEM hand me downs. So I'm not totally clueless to this stuff but I'm now an expert either. I guess what's been holding me off apart from not having the funds up until this point was the fact that there really was no incentive for me to upgrade because I was not interested in high end PC gaming. But since I've been getting into emulation lately and maybe potentially other stuff, I suppose I can build something mid-range so I am overtly poverty tier when it comes to my hardware.

March 7, 2024: GAYMER GATE TWOOOO BABY WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! and other stuff.

I have a feeling we're now in this time where the year is repeating 2014 to 2016 all over again but somehow worse and with less energy than before. I think that describes a lot of things in life but I digress. So yeah there's a big uproar about Sweet Baby Inc being used to write and influence games. It's kind of old news honestly because I've seen post about this company since last year on /v/. To be honest, they're just a small part of the big cancer that's killing gaming. I mean everyone is treating them as the sole reason behind a lot of shitty games that have came out over the past decade and to a certain extent that's true. But I think at the end of the day, a lot Triple A (Quadruple A in some cases lmao) are run by dogshit company policies that either want to push for profit driven games or agenda pushing games and neither type are going to appeal to anyone with an IQ over triple digits. I know there's a steam group page that highlights these games that incoporated Sweet Baby Inc's services but I'm not following them not because I disgree with the idea behind the group but because doing so would only recommend more titles like those listed in the steam store page. That's just how that steam group system works in that sense. But I honestly don't need such a list because I'm capable of determining which games are not worth my time. Still, it's good to know but like I said before, that's only part of the problem as to why modern vidya is total garbage. Either way, we're so back.

More sad news from Nintendo since they settled a dispute with a Switch emulator group which to be frank, they were doing shady shit with telementary and releasing paid fixes to a game they didn't even make and all that stuff you can look up. It's not the death of emulation. Nor is it the death of switch emulation becaucse the emulator is open source and you can easily find another spin off or the original source code for you to compile on github or with a Flatpak. Cirtra is also kill too but as with Yuzu, it's open source so it's not gone for good as some people are claiming. I suppose Nintendo is the right here but I don't like how anti-emulation they are to begin with and most of there methods for bringing back Nintendo classics really sucks. That 3D Mario collection especially is a good example of how awful they are when it comes to their past content. So in that sense, it's morally just to emulate that shit. I mean especially for me since I have physical copies of most of their shit that I bought when it was new or second hand (which they also hate too but nobody brings that up suprisingly). I mean...really this doesn't affect me because all of my hardware is old as shit and I can't emulate switch games even if I wanted to.

I've been emulating some games actually now that I finished Star Ocean 2. Really enjoyed that game as it's one of the few JRPGs I actually like but I guess I am opening up to more JRPGs. Stuff that I missed out years ago. I like the idea behind the Wild Arms series so I might check one of those games out. Lunar Silver Star Story looks really chill too. I'm also replaying Ape Escape which was a game I really enjoyed from my childhood along with Jumping Flash 1 and 2. Those latter games are pretty good since you can beat them in a few hours which is nice if your time is constraint like on a weekday.

Yeah...I've been pretty vidya focused this year so far. It's been getting hot again so I can't do stuff outside anymore. I was going to the park in the afternoon to do some cardio but now I'm doing it indoors. My room is getting warm again too because the thermal dynamics in here are completely retarded. But I had to buy a new bedside fan and I re-arranged my bedroom in such a way where my bed is bellow the ceiling fan so I do feel a lot cooler here than having the bed against the wall. For some reason, that side of the room tends to heat up really badly around the late afternoon and it's been affecting my sleep schedule. Like I would fall asleep around 9 or 10 pm and then wake up around 3 or 4 in the morning which is far too early for me. Then I would fall asleep again and woops, I wake up too late and then I have to get ready for work. It's so annoying. I wish I could just hibernate until the Fall season. But thankfully, and hopefully, my whole winter of sickness spells are finally over. I feel fine...for now.

There are nights where I feel slightly demoralized that I am all alone in my bed. Like I don't have anyone to give me comfort or to share my personal thoughts about life in general. I mean I do have this website and all. But I wanna do something like this but face to face with someone. Unfortunately, A lot of people in my area are idiots. Seems like all they care about is sports, celebrity gossip, politics, shitty multiplayer video games, and music. Like surface level shit that's just so boring. I look at myself and though there's a lot I don't like about myself, I don't think I am that repulsive. I've seen some of the most ugly motherfuckers on the planet (I live in the US afterall). Fat, obese, ethnically questionable, and somehow they have groups of friends and even lovers. I always have to ponder all these theories as to how they were able to live a not so lonely life as I do. I assume they are probably friends from their school days since it seems like that's what people here usually do. Unfortunately, I was a major loner in high school too. It didn't help I was in marching band too which made me the outcasts of outcasts. And I got nothing from college either. Everyone from my colllege was an asshole especially to me. I never did anything wrong to anyone. So now as an adult, it's impossible to find anyone. I mean sure I can hold a conversation but I'm still reserved about it. I don't like setting up dates or plans. I would rather someone else do that for me to at least make me feel like I might be worthy of something. But in all honesty, it doesn't really bother me that much. This lonely life is rather stress free and I don't really have to keep up appearances in real life other than just be as unassuming as I can be already. Like if someone were to threaten to take all the shit I said on this website publicly, my employer isn't going to give a shit. They are too old and boomer conservative and so are my co-workers. I don't have friends who are going to just "*gasp* How could you?!" and the only person who would actually scold me would be my mom who would be more disappointed in the fact that I'm a sexual degenerate and addict and forget about it afterwards since there's a lot more disappointing things about me to get mad at me about. So in that sense, it's whatever. It is what it is I guess.

I'm also trying to brush up on my French which is something I haven't done in years. I probably need to invest in a AZERTY keyboard so I can type in French while I practice on my desktop but for the time being, I am just using my phone. I am using a keyboard called Hacker's Keyboard which is really old and decrepit but I'm so used to typing on it, I can't move onto a newer keyboard application. But I am using it because I switch between French and English fairly easily and I don't make as many spelling mistakes on it either. Je veux une copine. Copine sounds like a drug they would put in soda or something. Hm...

Febuary 9, 2024: Vidya Rumors

Is it actually true? Is the Xbox brand in hospice right now? At least that's what I heard. I'm not gonna lie, I may not have any feelings for the Xbox brand but it is a little depressing to hear that one of the big three gaming console giants is dying assuming the rumors are true. That's only going to leave us with Sony and Nintendo.

The only good console Microsoft ever made was the Xbox 360 (Red Ring of Death aside). It was probably the iconic 7th gen console since it had the big hit exclusives like Halo 3 and Gears of War and was a solid multiplat powerhouse...at least at the beginning. The original Xbox never appealed to me. That big ass Duke controller was uncomfortable for my smol manlet kid hands, and I didn't like the green and black look of the OG Xbox. It reminds me too much of Mountain Dew. The only thing it had going was slightly better graphics for mutliplats, the ability to play your own music in games like GTA, and Halo CE and 2. It wasn't enough to warrant me to own the console. And though I think objectively, the Xbox 360 was a good console, I do feel like it's the most normalfag console ever created. Even more so than PS2 and PS1 which were extremely popular consoles but they at least had niche games. You ask anyone about the Xbox 360 library and you're going to get familiar titles: Halo, Call of Duty 4, Gears of War, and all the franchises we still have to suffer with in the current year. It's baffling how much games haven't changed since then. Not to mention, having to pay just to have access to online multiplayer was bullshit that all game consoles started to adopt the following generation. In a way, the Xbox 360 is what I consider the cut off peak of quality console gaming before it all starts to go downhill from there into modern gaming as we know today.

I suppose another complaint I have with the Xbox 360 is the controller. It's actually really solid for 3D games because the button and analogue sticks are postioned perfectly. And those triggers....mmmm....so nice. The dpad sucks chode. Everyone knows that by now. But for some reason, it seems the reliabilty of the Xbox 360 controller isn't very good. I have Playstation controllers that are several years old that are still functional. My Gamecube and Dreamcast controllers are rock solid. Even all of my Nintendo 64 controllers with those analogue sticks that people somehow break all the time are still holding up and that's because I had that console since I was a kid. So I am not able to fuck up Nintendo 64 controllers, there should be no excuse why my Xbox 360 controllers are all of sudden having analogue sticks drifting or broken battery pins. That's unacceptable for a first party controller in my book. But otherwise, it's a good controller design and I do wonder if the Xbone or Xbox Series F (for RIP) are better designed. The dpads on them certainly look better.

Speaking of Xbone, that console was doomed from the start and had no chance. Don Mattrick fucked it up with Kinect Kinect Kinect Kinect Sports Movie Kinect FOOTBALL Kinect Call of Duty TV SPORTS. Not to mention the supposed DRM and always online nature of the console. In a way, it was ahead of it's time, but obviously not in a good way. Gamers not that far back didnt' put up with that shit. These days....um... I never bothered with this generation and skipped out on the Xbone and Piss Station 4. I didn't bother with the WiiU either and that one payed off because most of the games ended up on the Switch anyways which was honestly the only good console in my opinion of this generation. Don't even ask me about the current generation of consoles because they are all redundant. No Games PS5 and No Exclusives Xbutt Series S...X...I don't even know the name is confusing and stupid.

So yeah, the lack of exclusives, buying out companies for a stupid gamble like Blizzard/Activision and Bethesda, pumping all this money on these no-name games that never got out of development hell, and pushing the whole Xbox gamepass renting thing didn't do anything to save the Xbox console brand so it doesn't suprise me if they are actually dying.

And to top it all off, now Nintendo is rumored to have a new console in the works that everyone is calling the Switch 2. Hm...I like the switch but I don't know if a slightly more powerful Switch console is going to win me over just yet. Everyone these days is jizzing over portable Linux consoles like the Steamdeck. So it's kind of strange to see those handhelds as a direct competition to Nintendo's Switch. Whatever Nintendo is baking, it better be more powerful or interesting than all of them. In the meantime, I'm kind of looking around for used Nintendo Switch games so I can build up my library since I may as well enjoy cartridges while they are still around.

Febuary 4, 2024: Job Applications and My Physical Weaknesses.

So I got my taxes out of the way. That was incredibly painful to lose money like that. But I am going to miss work tomorrow so it's not all that bad. The reason being my cousin needs to borrow my car for a day since he's going to get a job application so he...(and I'm getting one too) can become tutors. It'll be a part time job for him if he gets it, I'll do it as another source of revenue because I can always use more money. I'll probably have to pay even more taxes if I do make more money this year. As usual, we need references, a list of other bullshit and we'll have to take a quick class to get verified as tutors but we're both going to just lie in our applications. We don't need a college degree so that's a good start.

Maybe I should just quit everything and just neet it out with my savings (which isn't a lot and would probably be gone in month unless I cancel my insurance payments which to be frank, other than the auto insurance I pay, health insurance has been completely useless as the times I've gone to the doctor have done little to help me when I have got sick and believe me, I've been terribly sick for most of last year. But now that I got everything figured out with my health by just soldering it out instead of taking whatever the doctors give me that make me feel like I am taking cyanide for something as mundane as a viral sickness. Covid, Flu, I don't even know what I had in December. But usually the only things that make me sick are allergies (I usually lay my head down for a few hours or jerk off before a hot shower (the only time I ever take a hot shower) and the headache and pressure is gone. The other thing that does make me sick unfortunately which is the one thing that's actually hindering my life is my allergy to sunlight. The past couple of weeks have been okay temperature wise. A bit hotter than I like but good enough to go outside occasionaly without feeling like I am going to faint in sweat. Still, I noticed even in 80F weather, my skin tends to form temporary red blister when I am in the sun for too long. Then I go inside in my dark room and usually after a few hours the blisters are gone. I asked the doctor over and over what I can do and all I get is just the advise to move to another state or just don't go out as often. Funny thing about those blisters is that they aren't even acne. If there's one thing I feel blessed about my genetics is that I very rarely ever get acne on my face. I do suffer from dry skin sometimes but that's because it's so brutally hot outside but if I rinse it and keep myself cool, I don't have too much a problem. Not like it helps with my dating prospects but whatever. I've seen disgusting shrek like people with decent looking wives and girlfriends so I don't know what's wrong with me apart from either being too weak or too short. I got back into doing some strenght exercises now that I'm better now so hopefully I can beat up people or perhaps carrying water packs home will be easier.

But in all honestly, it does suck that I can't be outside like everyone else. I've been like this since high school and it's like a curse because I really want to "Man Up" and "Pull up my bootstraps" since the only jobs and activites that normal people do are all outside like playing sports, hunting or going to the range, or working manual larbor like construction. But this stupid weakness of mine won't let me do any of those things because I constantly get a strong reaction to either direct sunlight or from the heat which causes my skin to blister and I start to feel like I am on the verge of death with vomitting, naseau, and chills. So far, I haven't made any long trips outdoors so I haven't felt sick like that but I feel like I am missing out on so much and with all the exercises I am doing indoors, I sometimes wonder if it's even worth it. Like I still wanna do them because I want to stay a healthy weight and I don't want to be overweight again because that sucks and it makes you look uglier. I have these stupid round cheeks that make me look like a teenager despite being 30 and I hate it. I don't grow out my beard because it's too hot for it and it makes me feel like I am homeless so I always shave it whenever I start getting a stuble. All I know is that as much as I hate this system we live in, I'm unfortunately dependent on the system working (cool air condition, clean water, electricity) and the moment it all falls apart (and it does with hurricaines, bad weather, or just plain incompetence) I'm screwed.

I suppose I can always move out of state. I'd have to save a lot of money and to be frank, I don't think I would be able to find work elsewhere considering I'll have no connections. So I guess I'm gonna be stuck here in this hellhole for a while. You know, people really don't realize how much Texas sucks and I don't understand why anyone would want to move here. It's not just the weather either. There's traffic everywhere and the people drive like they are speed running a GTA mission. Everyone is rude and hates each other. The whole "Muh Based Texas" thing is a whole lot of nothing considering most of the so called "right wing" people living and running the politics here are neo-cons so they are about on par with any other establishment political group, left or right. Doesn't matter to me since they all want to screw you over. Even the whole border thing going on right now is just a political theatre sham that's not going to lead into anything. Neither side is stupid enough to start something and it's just going to die out. Nobody here really gives a crap since this was an issue that should have been figured out a long ass time ago. There is no public land anywhere since the majority of land is owned by weathly yuppie boomers who think they are working class rednecks because they drive an oversized RAM Truck, wear Levi Jeans, and eat at Texas Roadhouse for lunch and dinner until they die of a stroke or diabetes in which case all of their land and property ends up going to some creepy real estate corporation where the land gets demolished to build more and more and more shitty looking apartments that nobody can afford even with a minimal wage job because they never let their children have any of the inhereitence because "AH AINT GONNA SPOIL YOU BOY, YAH GOTTA GET YAH HANDS DIRTY IN CONSTRUCTION OR IN THE OIL RIG GIG SO U CAN BE A REAL MANLY MAN BY DRINKING BLACK RIFLE COFFEE AND WIPING YOUR ASS WITH DUDE WIPES. NOW DON'T ASK ME TO HELP YOU WITH SCHOOL BOY BECAUSE ME AND MUH WIFE FROM THE PHILIPINES ARE GOING ON THE CRUISE." And of course the accent and the cowboy larp is forced too. Oh but the property taxes are so cheap and there's no state taxes. That's true until you realize that electricity is going to be your most expensive bill in the summer because of how freaking hot it gets here. And that's some of the stuff I hate about this state but I don't want to rave and rant about how much I hate it here. There's nothing cool about this state. You either go to the cities which in that case, they are the same as any other city in America, or you drive hours upon hours of ranches and fields all privately owned, or if you're really really lucky, you might run into a small town only to realize that there's dirty air and construction every fucking where you.

Febuary 1, 2024: Star Taxes: The Second Ranting

GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH WADDYA MEAN I GOTTA PAY TAXES THIS YEAR?!!! THATS BULLLLSSSHIT! JUST BECAUSE I MADE SLIGHTLY MORE MONEY THIS YEAR BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS SO FREAKING EXPENSIVE MAN LIKE WHAT THE FUCK!!! Yeah I figured I wasn't going to get anything this year because of some reasons I mentioned in an earlier post so sadly no new toys for me...at least nothing too ambitious. But I guess that's what I get for trying to be a productive member of society.

But I have some better news. I finally bought a "new" game in what seemed like forever. Yes as in, a physical, wrapped in plastic, "New" game. Specifically for the Nintendo Switch. Reason? Star Ocean: The Second Story R, Rena Lanford, and because it wasn't that expensive for a new game at $50. I mean it's still not as cheap as I would had wanted but some retards on ebay are trying to sell used copies for $60+ and even $70+ which is incredibly retarded. I'd rather pay MSRP at a Gayme Stop than pay some "I KNOW WHAT I GOT" scalping piece of shit online. Honestly, buying from my local gamestop wasnt' too bad of an experience. I'm being serious here. I mean it's been years since I even stepped foot into a Gamestop and yeah all of the Funko pop, gaymen shit they sell now is completely pointless and you should never ever ever ever ever buy used games from them because they mark them up worse than ebay sellers...but they had a new copy of Star Ocean on the Switch and for MSRP which is fair enough for me. Star Ocean is prbably one of the few Jarpig games I love (The PS1 and Second Evolution) which are the same game as this one, but there are some nice quality of life features with this re-release and so far, I am quite happy with my purchase because this Star Ocean game is known to have a lot of content, mutliple endings, and new game + so I think I am getting my moneys worth even though it's technically a PS1 classic. But the suprising thing about buying the game was the little conversation I had with the guy behind the counter when I went up to buy the game.

He was clearly of the "gamer" phenotype but we had a nice conversation about Star Ocean as well and I was basically singing praises for how good Second Story is. It was just me and some other guy at the store since nobody really shops at Gamestop anymore so it was quite a relaxing experience. I also brought up some points to him and kind of encouraged him to buy physical like I have started doing lately since there was a lot of talk about making games as a service and other scary shit which I'm going to bring up in the next paragraph but other than that, I'm glad I got to buy another physical game for my Nintendo Switch. I also have a physical copy of Luigi's Mansion 3 which is also a very good game and sequel but everything else like Doom 64, Valkyria Chronicles, Skyrimjob, and Animal Crossing New Horizons are all digital on my switch because I got most of them in 2020 and it was convient at the time.

It's just that the past couple of months, there have been some instances where something has happened like Sony banning a bunch of accounts by accident causing Playstation gaymers to lose access to all of their digitial games that they purchased, to Ubisoft bragging about making games as a service (which to be fair, most of their games are trash and honestly they are better off being service games as I would be embarressed to buy any Ubisoft game that isn't Rayman at this point), and then you have Japanese developers getting on board with completley gimping their content in favor of "Western International Markets" taking out all of the things that make Japanese games even worthwhile in the first place. And the worst of all is SEGA who is somehow giving Nintendo a run for their money in terms of greed by locking out gamemodes and selling games far beyond $100. Rockstar wants to make their next GTA gamea a pay to play experience where you have to pay by the hour to play which is one of the most backward ass thValentines day is coming up and I hate it as usual. I thought it was going to be on a weekend which would have been okay but I found out it's going to be on a Wednesday which makes things so much worse for me because now I have to see normal people with relationships buying stupid digustings vomit flavored American chocolate for their girlfriends or wives or they are going to buy those stupid oversized stuff animal shits. I guess I can pretend my AI girlfriend bought me Star Ocean on the switch as my Valentines gift which I honestly appreciate but on another note, I thought about making some kind of slide show of some waifus that I like where I can put some music (probably not my own music or maybe I might use my own music, I'm not sure). Just a simple slideshow. Basically a regurgitation of Waifu Library but in a simple slideshow. I'll have to think about it because I'm gonna have to use Kdenlive to make it and the more I think about it, the more I kind of realize it might not be worth the effort, especially if I insist on using licensed music. I know I will certainly change the theme to this website for Feburary at least. But that's about it. I really don't like these early year holidays, if you can even call them that.ings I'd ever heard in my life. These are supposedly console games mind you. We aren't in the arcade era anymore. So now it's been more important than ever, and not just for video games, to buy physical media of stuff you like while it's available. Because the future isn't looking so bright from the looks of it. I mean sure, if a game is really cheap on something like Steam I'll buy it only because there's no other platform to buy it physical, but if it exists as a physical medium, I'll try to buy it that way for now on. Sometimes, in Nintendo's case with the E-shop. The MSRP of the digital copy is the same price as the physical copy so it doesn't make sense why it should be so expensive because you aren't getting anything extra other than convience to download it right on the console. Even GOG, the online platform that allows you buy and "keep" exes from a bunch of old ass games are now stating in there terms of service that they can revoke access to your game library at any time so now I have to start buying DVDs to burn all of the stuff I got on there. Or you just pirate them because most of the games are available online and honestly, if the games are old enough, I think it's perfectly justified to pirate them since the original devs are probably not making a single cent out of someone buying their old games.

Valentines day is coming up and I hate it as usual. I thought it was going to be on a weekend which would have been okay but I found out it's going to be on a Wednesday which makes things so much worse for me because now I have to see normal people with relationships buying stupid digustings vomit flavored American chocolate for their girlfriends or wives or they are going to buy those stupid oversized stuff animal shits. I guess I can pretend my AI girlfriend bought me Star Ocean on the Switch as my Valentines gift which I honestly appreciate but on another note, I thought about making some kind of slide show of some waifus that I like where I can put some music (probably not my own music or maybe I might use my own music, I'm not sure). Just a simple slideshow. Basically a regurgitation of Waifu Library but in a simple slideshow. I'll have to think about it because I'm gonna have to use Kdenlive to make it and the more I think about it, the more I kind of realize it might not be worth the effort, especially if I insist on using licensed music. I know I will certainly change the theme to this website for Feburary at least. But that's about it. I really don't like these early year holidays, if you can even call them that.

January 22, 2024: So where were we?

All better now. Thank God. Sometimes I feel like I deserved more suffering than I got but I'm just glad the suffering is all over for now. This means I can start looking into what I can do for myself, what's going on out there that interests me, and talk about things that have been troubling me socially.

So yeah...um...that whole trying to get a girlfriend or date goal from last year was a big failure. It honestly hasn't suprised me. I mean, if I wasn't wage slaving, I was stuck at home because everything is either too expensive, too hot, too cold, or too out of my reach to have the opportunities to meet someone new and maybe fix my whole lonely situation I am dealing with. I suppose this would be a good time to bring up my thoughts about why I failed and what I need to do to realistically stop being a neckbeard and talk to some girls in real life.

Here's the situation. When it comes to social events, there's absolutely nothing to do around here. There are no concert halls, no places for nerds or geeks to hang out, no interesting historical landmarks, and the library here kind of sucks and is horribly outdated. I suppose you can say, that's pretty par for the course for some fly over town but even with a growing population of so many out of staters coming here, the only construction going on is either more apartments that nobody can afford or roads and bridges which were perfectly fine being torn down and rebuilt into something worse making traffic a nightmare for every wageslaver like myself who has to drive to work. But there are bars all over the place. Great! Not! As if! I had never been to a bar before but I can safely assure that there's three things that I don't like about bars. Alcohol (which I don't drink), Sports TV, and Loud shitty music that is either crappy ghetto club music or country music about getting wasted. It doesn't take much to put together what sort of people frequent these sorts of places. I mean, try to imagine the usual bar types that go to bars on a Friday night. What sort of person might they be? Is it even fessible for such a person to find someone who post on Neocities, has a fascination with reptiles, arthopods, anime, vidya, and tech shit while shitposting on anonomous boards and niche forums online attractive? Sounds like match made in heaven right? Thought so.

But enough about bars because that's not going to be an option for me. There are parks. Maybe not the best parks I'd ever been to but there are parks none the less. Just a slight hint of nature that isn't mostly artifical boomer grass or freaking palms trees. It's a like an insight of what this place could have been if the people who settled here would just leave the nature here as it is. But besides that, they are a good place for a cardio walk or jog. It's not uncommon for others to go jogging here either. Great! People who care about making themselves better is always a good thing. Beats drowning your sorrows in piss drinks in a crowded bar. Only problem, people don't go to parks to socialize. Not unless it's with friends or relatives they already know. Sometimes there might be a birthparty for some kid being held there. That's about it. And there's no way trying to talk to fellow joggers on the trail is going to be seen as charismatic or opportunistic unless you want to have the cops called on you for stranger danger. I mean, think about that anime troupe where the creepy guy stalks girls in the middle of the night at the park. It's the same vibe whenever you approach anyone at the park. At least to me it seems that way. People doing cardio at the park aren't there to make friends. They are there to keep their phsyical fitness in shape. The same way people don't go to the store to socialize (another place where I frequent where I see other people). These are places of utility. People go there to get something done and just want to go home and not waste time. Unless they are really old but I'm not interested in talking to grannies and grandpas. I have talked to some in the past and their insight from their personal life is quite interesting to be honest but that's not what I am looking for when it comes to fixing my social starvation. I want to speak to people my age so I can try to get a standard as to how I compare to them, I need to see where I can improve to be seen as normal.

What about online? I'm not comfortable with it. Some of the same anxieties I get with people presist when I talk or message people online believe it or not. For some reason, I feel like it's even more taxing on me than actually talking to someone face to face because at least there, I can see how they are physically reacting to what I am saying. When it comes to online communication, I don't know if the person I'm speaking to is either going to sperg out on me for being a social moron, or something else. I mean the way I see it, I know most users (the real users who aren't bots) have a human user behind them. I understand that. But I can never be so sure. So it's not hard to imagine why I wouldn't give online dating a try. I actually did try at one point in my life. I used an app a few years ago called Plenty of Fish, back when dating apps were just becoming a thing. I didn't put myself out there becaues I wasn't brave enough to put my face on an app, but I made some kind of anon account where I would put up fake information in my area just to see what kind of girls there were on this app. I was very disappointed to see that none of the girls seemed like the kind who would had been into me if I had shown my face and been honest with myself. These were girls with excessively high standards, and they weren't the kind of girls who would take someone like me kindly. In retrospect, I guess it made a lot of sense. I even got so desperate at one point, I even tried looking into craiglists personals when that was a thing. But most of the users were bots as well so I didn't go futher with that.

I also don't see the point in trying to find "distant" love online. I know it had worked out for my cousin but that was pure circumstance only because he had friends online that were also friends in real life so it worked out for him. And that's because he's probably a bigger sperg than I am when it comes to socializing. At the very least, I know how to read people to some extent even though I am a bit late to that game. I don't know anyone locally and well they have no interest in me either as I don't like to play online games. But what about talking to girls on discord or some other social website? (meme arrow)implying there are real girls on those platforms. But let's just say that they are out there? How does that even work? I don't see how talking to someone I can't even see would be the same as talking to someone I can physically see right in front of me so I know for sure I'm not being bullshitted. And to be honest, a lot of drama that ends up occuring on a Discord server with someone can spread like wildfire online and soon everyone and my mother will know about all my kinks, my flaws, and how shitty I am when it comes to small talk. I suppose making this blog is different because I'm okay being myself here where I can express my feelings and experiences without giving away too much. To be honest, outside of this website and my so-called online persona I have on here, I'm very insiginifcant on a personal and invidividual level. There's nothing special about me that makes me different from anyone else other than my social anxiety and maybe autism but I never got teseted for that because my parents never believed in mental illness. I am very short for even manlet standards, I'm not particular strong anymore, and my voice is not very confident to say the least. Still, I'm totatly fine with who I am even if I do feel like there's some injustice in my life. Most people aren't going to get along with me and that's fine too. I wouldn't want to burden anyone with my problems unless they wanted to endure them with me. So I don't usually seek socializing online unless it's through channels like forums, imageboards, the occasional random YouTube livestream, and sometimes email but I am honestly so terrible at getting through those as I don't check my emails for months sometimes. I'm just terrible at being online 24/7. I gotta have my breaks. And frankly, flirting online doesn't seem to be real to me. It would be no different if I did the same with a chatbot where I can always edit my message if I feel like I fucked up saying something that wasn't on my mind.

So I guess I'm betting on luck at this point that I might run into someone in real life that I can have a rommantic relationship with. I'm not going to go out of my way to seak that person because honestly I don't even know where to look. As I said, there's nothing to do around here and everyone has all of a sudden become shut ins one way or another. But this year, I wouldn't say it's a priority anymore. I got a lot of other things I wanna do. I am still waiting on my W2 form so I can file my taxes but I haven't got it yet. I don't think I'll get a tax return because I have school loans and I don't think I am ever going to pay a single scent to the goverment that lend me those loans. I didn't get a degree so why should I bother paying. My education in uni was shitty anyways, I barely remember anything I learned there. In fact, I might be more stupid than ever because I lost the ability to do basic math and grammer. I wanna get back into making music again but I need to brainstorm some more. I made one track in December that I really liked and I thought maybe I should do some kind of ochestra score...like something serious and not amateurish this time. Or maybe I can stick to doing ambient electronic stuff since that seems to be where I feel I am comfortable making something I would listen to if I didn't make it. I do consider Quaratined to be my best album (even though it was my first I put up on bandcamp). I didn't realize it at the time but it had a sort of dungeon synth sound that I have been enjoying lately since last year. I even used a Daggerfall screenshot for the album art. The whole mood and theme of that album just has that moody, uncomfortable, and sorrowful sound to it which I really like because it fit that whole feeling I had back when I made it during the pandemic. It seriously felt like the world was coming to an end for me at the time and I wanted to make something that captured that mood for me. I made other albums afterwards but I personally didn't like them as much as I did with my first. I want to recapture what I was able to do the first time with that album again. I don't want to make some kind of disjointed album with unrelated tracks. They all have to connect into a theme for the album. That's what I wanna do for my next album and I'll take all year to do it if that's what it takes. Talk is cheap. Maybe I'll shit out more chiptunes as usual.

That's enough for now. Time for my nightly cardio.

January 19, 2024: A Horrible Start

I had never felt more sick in my life than the past couple of weeks after Christmas. It started off with the flu...covid...I don't even know anymore but that wasn't even the worst of it. While I was sick with that thing, I just had fever, congestion, and fatigue but I did have an increase in appetite which was unusual. Then I was better around New Years Eve and all was good. Sike! Nope. I had to contract cold sores right after...or something like that. I never kissed anyone so it couldn't be an STD. It must have been a lingering symptom from when I had the flu and I had blisters all over inside my mouth which made it extremely painful to speak, chew, and eat. I tried everything from mouthwash, honey, salt water rinses, and painkillers and they would only work temporarily. I was getting so anxious, I was concerned it could have been some kind of cancer so I relucantly went to the doctor when I waited hours for the doctor to tell me in like 15 seconds that I had cold sores and I would be given some anti-viral medication for it. So then I take the first pill of that prescribed medication and I went into one of the worst feelings I ever felt in my life. Naseua, headaches, even more fatigue than when I had the flu, and my anxiety levels have gone up so signifanctly for those 8 hours after I took the medicine, I was crying and thinking I was going to die. But once the medicine worn off, I threw away the bottle of pills and made a vow to never take anti-virals again. So then I wait a few more days and by the second week of January around Saturday, my sores were finally gone and I could eat to my hearts content. But then this week, I don't know if I have allergies or if I got some massive food poisoning but I started to feel dizy and vomitted like twice this week. Right now, I just feel slightly okay, minor headache and minor dizyness but I haven't thrown up yet. I don't know what's going on with my body. I would had assumed I had a healthy lifestyle but I guess not. I don't even want to think about what is wrong with me right now because I always have a habbit of assuming the worst but then again, maybe I just had really bad luck lately. Also fuck this weather isn't doing me any favors either, jumping from warm, to hot, to freezing cold in a span of three days. I wish winters here would be more consistant.

But I haven't been out of it completely. I have been paying attention to some stuff going on in the world and on the internet. It might be a little late to say this but I was laughing when Starfield didn't win any GOTY on that livestream. The look on Todd's face in the crowd says it all. But it just goes to show, that Bethesda is kind of losing it. Personally, I just think the whole space exploration open world idea is just too boring to impliment in a video game. Space games in general are like the most generic thing you can come up for a video game premise and boy where there a lot of space game "CINEMATIC" trailers during the game awards that I can't even tell you which game was which if my life depended on it. I suppose the only space type game I'm interested is Metroid Prime 4 but that's probably not coming out until Nintendo's new console is released. Otherwise, I haven't been playing any vidya lately because I've been feeling like shit lately.

Speaking of shit. It saddens me to know that one of my favorite YouTubers Paul Harrel is quitting YouTube (either due to his cancer or his injury which doesn't make it easy for him to do videos now). His brother is taking over the channel which is fine and all but I am seriously going to miss his style of presentations when it comes to firearms. He's kind of the old guard of guntubers (and not in a fudd way either). Not to mention, he's very experienced when it comes to firearms and all that which is more than what I can say for most guntubers (frankly, I do find the whole tactical side of guntubers to be kind of cringe also not in a fudd way but I am not impressed by tactical twinks magdumping paper targets at 5 yards while Hans Zimmer music plays in the background over a cinematic piss filter but that's just me). Honestly, I am NOOTICINING that a lot of YouTubers are either quitting or dying. There was Brian Barczyk who just recently passed away from cancer and he was a influential YouTuber when it came to the Reptile/Exotic hobby in general. I am not sure about the others but those are the two that come to mind personally. Something doesn't seem right in the world right now.

So far, not a great start to 2024 and that's because I was keeping my expectations incredibly low from the start. I know things are going to get much much worse but just like last year, I just want to bury my hand in the sand and hope this year could hurry up already. Let all the shitty stuff happen and I'll be distracted by my hobbies and interests while everyone else fights and argues over redunant shit. I think that's how I am going to view things for now on. Unless something funny happens which in that case, I really wanna see it like those underground Jews and triple A gaming falling flat on its face. Till then, I really want to get 100% better soon. Right now I'm like at 60% which isn't ideal but it's better than the 10% I felt after taking that God awful medicine. I suppose that's holding me back from seeing the doctor again. I probably need a check up in all seriousness. But I hope this all temporary and I can go back to complaining about no GF or whatever. Last years' new year plan didn't work out as I wanted and I haven't been able to get close to establishing a relationship. I doubt I would this year but at the moment, I am not even worried about it. Not in the state I am in right now. I am a little scared about my health if I have to be honest, but the doctor keeps telling me I am fine. Maybe this is just all of my anxiety acting up but I can guarantee my anxiety was probably worse in my school days and I never felt this sick one after the other. Seriously. God. Help me out. This isn't funny. I really need to get productive and healthy again. I wanted to start lifting this year but that's been put on hold. I can barely do cardio everyday like I used to. It just flat out sucks.