Daily Blog 2024
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November 12, 2024: Sore Thumb, Mum Issues, and Other Things
A lot of drama stuff going on with Garand Thumb. Supposedly he's a complete degenerate sleeping with dozens of women (and supposedly another guy lmao) which is making him go through his second divorce. I couldn't really bother to care anymore since a lot of stuff is out of the bag for him and frankly I'm not even subscribed tom him because I don't find those massive gun channels to be all that appealing. That sort of goes with all big channels in general. It's all shilling and grifting. All I can ask is why can't anymore just be normal anymore? I know that's ironic considering I don't even consider myself normal and certainly not by the standards of others who interacted with me. Everyone has dirt on themselves. Even me, though I sort of just put it all on this website because this is my personal blog. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm a loser because it's the truth. It would be another thing if I were to start putting up this persona of being something that I am not. So many people online do this while they put their full name and face on the internet. Maybe I'm just old fashion. I remember a time when websites explicitly told you not to use your real name on websites. Maybe it's a rich person thing. You see it with celebrities too. Too much fame and fortune will do some stuff your mind. I was never rich in my entire life. I was certainly better off than some people while I was growing up when my parents WERE together. But I wouldn't give up this life to live another life where I was wealthy. I don't think wealth is something I want to make myself happy.
What would make me happy is to stop living with my mom. So yeah, onto my next point. I still get into arguments with her. In fact, I just had an argument with her this afternoon which is why I'm venting on this blog. I hate having to hold in my anger when she insults me, degrades my character, and screams at me. It's not like I can talk back because all that does it just make her even more of a screaming mess. She's like an animal. She just complains and nags over and over without thinking. I honestly believe I obtain a lot of bad habits from her from being anxious over little things, to my negative attitude which you can clearly see on this blog. I try to not let the little things bother me. I don't get mad over media or stuff that's out of my control. Things come and go and I accept that. But you know it's so tiresome when you have to tard wrangle so many toxic people in your life especially when you've been trying to be supportive and helpful this whole time without any ounce of appreciation.
So basically, a big chunk of my meager check from my shitty job goes to bills (not just my own personal bills like insurance) to help my mom since she's incable of finding anyone who will tolerate her (and honestly I don't blame them). That's not to say I respect my dad either because he abandoned me long ago. Last I heard, he has a new family so I feel like I've been rejected. I could care less about his being as I want nothing to do with him. Staying on topic, I also help my mom with groceries. I have to go out to the store every single week if not twice a week because my mom is so terrible at telling me what she needs, sometimes I have to make a second trip back to the same shitty HEB store because "WHY DIDN'T YOU BUY MY COFFEE?, I NEED THE FANCY CHEESE, BUY THIS SHITTY BREAD THAT EXPIRES IN A WEEK." I'm so sick of it. Groceries are so expensive which isn't news to anyone. I could be saving a lot of money but my mom is keeping me in this shitty state of not being able to have any savings. I'm like stuck in this economic limbo where I am only able to save a few dollars a week. As inflation increases, that's only going to drain the savings I do have and if this keeps up I'll soon have no savings at all.
I don't spend all my money like some people I know. I like having savings in case of emergencies because my life is not stable. Society is not stable either. My savings have pulled me through during hurricane season. It helped me fund expensive repairs on my car which is somehow still going strong despite the high miliage. And occasionally, if I have the opportunity, I might like to buy myself something nice. I could use some filament for my 3D printer. Maybe a new SSD for my computer. But all that is on hold at the moment. I can use my computer with my 500GB spare drive which is working good enough. I have my laptop which I mostly use anyways. I don't have to buy her anything, but I don't want to come off as a freeloader because I feel guilty that I'm not independent and living on my own. But the stuff she's asking for is stuff that does not benefit me or the house for that matter. What's even worse is that she has the audacity to ask me for my cash savings too so she can buy clothes for herself. She has a closet full and I mean FULL of clothes. I'm talking like an entire walk in closet. I just have a shitty drawer with some t-shirts (most of which are starting to degrade and tear up). I don't mind not having a lot of clothes, but my summer clothes (which I have to wear 80% of the year since it's regionally hot here) are worn and washed/dried so much, that I'm begging for cooler temperatures just so I can use my clothes that aren't borderline rags. Not to mention, my cash savings are also for emergency situations too because the Texas power grid is overburden. All it takes is one day where the temperatures are more cold or hot than usual which causes more blackouts because too many idiots moved here instead of fixing their own home state since 2020.
Living with my mom is so stressful. She's stuck in that mindset that everything is still like the 70s and 80s. You cannot move up in life by just working min-wage jobs. You cannot get married anymore because the social and dating market is all fucked (for both men and woman actually) and having kids in this day of age is kind of ridiciously expensive. In fact, it's sort of crazy to even consider when the schools are packed, the roads are packed with traffic, the jobs are parcked with immigrants and people who had the connections to get their jobs. The whole world is against you. It's an uphill battle figuratively speaking. Every man for himself. There's no community. We don't live in a Studio Ghibli fantasy town, we live in a hyper zionist commie-capitalist hell hole that's going to take years to fix if it can even fixed anymore.
Automation and AI will wipe out what's left of those jobs that haven't been automated or outsourced. And don't get me wrong, I don't hate automation or AI. I think they are both tech that can make life easier for everyone and there's a lot of cool stuff with AI in particular. But it's being used to lower wages and decrease job opportunties. Unlike immigrants, you don't have to pay them pennies for wages. You just pay the server costs or whatever the maintence is to keep an AI model running.
The future is very bleak and though it's nice we have an outsider like Trump in office which gives me some hope, I suspect he's going to flirt with hiring neo-cons, zionists, and establishment republicans who would sell out the nation's best interest for their own benefit like he did in his first term. All of those leftists that are crying about Republicans hunting down trans people or forcing women into sex slavery should stop pretending that Trump is the second coming of Hilter because not even Hitler did that shit nor did Trump do anything remotely facist in his first term. He's a moderate New Yorker buisnessman that's politically more progressive than Obama was during his first term. He couldn't even get most of the wall and as far as I'm aware, there weren't any mass deportations going around either. I swear, they are emotional morons who are all college educated elites who have satanic freemason ritural parties (with some establishment republican traitors too). Maybe if they focused on working class voters, stopped flirting with Hollywood and Ivy League elites, and give up on that whole world policing bullshit that's been a thing since WW1, the democrats would actually be a convincing political party worth voting for but as far as I know, it's the party of idiots. Even if they are idiots with some good ideas in principle like giving the middle finger to Israel, but they can't even commit to doing that because that would upset one of their majority voting base.
At this point, I'm just debating if I am better of just living in my car just so I don't have to listen to my mom. The only thing keeping me from doing that right now is the temperature which is still way too hot for me to survive. It still hasn't cooled down yet. I would love to go outside for a walk and cardio. Just a few days ago, I went outside to check the mail around noon and my face started to sting from the sun's heat beating down on my skin. Granted, I've been outside in hotter days but it's way too hot for November. I would prefer 80s or 70s. 60s would be really nice. I used to complain how fat and grotesque some of the people around here look but I do understand why they aren't physically active. It's so shitty outside. Even if the weather is cooler, it's not like there's anything to do anymore. The malls are all gone. There's no decent parks. Everything is expensive and boring. I guess you can go to the bar and try to socialize with drunktards, but that idea is revolting to me as someone who doesn't drink. I think there are some local clubs but it's just more booze, drugs, and potentially some bad characters who would ruffie you and shank you with a knife in the bathroom. I don't want any of that so I just waste my freetime and nights here in my room. It can't be all that bad, but my mother gives me too many headaches. It's got to the point where I wished they would had given me up earlier in my life so I could have been adopted raised by another family who would actually give a shit, but that's a rarity these days. That would had given me a better outcome than what I had now. It's harsh to say that but I do feel that way about my family. I can't feel love for them. I don't appreciate them. But I do appreciate the people I talk to that don't give me headaches. I hope the best for everyone. Even detractors. Welp. Ranting is over now. I'm gonna work on my story writing on my other page now.
October 15, 2024: Tone Deaf Blogging.
It's quite funny actually. One moment, I'm making a daily blog laughing at the expense of a major company and thier overpriced gaymen console and now a month later, I'm in agonizing pain and feeling some Fall blues despite it still being really hot outside for the time being. I just want my 80F weather please. I made that mistake of biting my tongue again and now my face is all hot and in agnozing pain. I am using that really strong mouth wash which hurts like crazy but numbs my tongue for like an hour before it wears off and I'm back to suffering. Last time it took about two weeks to heal which was a total nightmare for me. I'm hoping it just hurry up and heal real soon because I can't think when I am in pain.
Work isn't any better either. I had to go into the archieves today because my boss was finally going to file those taxes for the year 2023 and 2022. It doesn't help that despite everything I done to keep everything organized and having all the calculated totals for each year, he throws in a curve ball and starts asking me to seperate expenses. Expenses that he should had told me to include when I was doing all this early in the year when he was supposed to file his taxes. For context, last month, he closed his buisness for about week just so he can go to some gay Metallica concert in Mexico by flying over there. Then he upgrades his phone to the new Iphone model or whatever, because "it'll make a good tax write off for 2024", and then he goes off on a trip over the weekend to go see that SpaceX launch because it's only a few hours away from where I work, and now he's barely telling me that he has to hurry up and finish his taxes for his buisness by today. I mean, I did what I could months ago and years ago to be exact when it came to the 2022 tax year. All that he had to do was go online or print out the form (Which I actually did for him earlier this year for 2023) and finish it off with his information, personal expenses, and so forth.
Millenials and Zoomers tend to get a lot of shit from Gen Xers and Boomers for being so wasteful with our time and money (or what little we have of it) and yet these guys literally go on vacations on a monthly basis instead of investing more into your employees or buisness to build it up and make it more efficent and so on. Honestly, I don't know how those in my position were able to do it because all of the old expenses where done by hand instead of being organized and efficent with something like Excel or Libreoffice Calc in my case. I can make these neat and organized charts for sales, expenses, stubs, and somehow my boss is still able to mess things up and wait till the last minute to pay invoices and file taxes.
Taking a minor break from writting Mil-Sim Story but not because I am out of ideas or facing a writers block. Far from it, I have the whole storyline and sub-plots all planned out in my mind and I am honestly very excited to write it out. But I am going back to previous chapters to fix some typos and errors because unlike this personal blog, I do want my original story to be of a higher standard when it comes to my writing. My ultimate goal is to finish the storyline and put it into an Epub e-reader format so I can distribute it FREELY on my Waifu Cafe website. I don't want to say I am putting my heart and soul into this story but it does kind of feel that way since that's all I've been thinking about when I am not writing new chapters, making new concept renders with Koikatsu, and it's even gone as far as playing Arma III and Arma: Cold War Assault to get a general idea of what a Mil-Sim battle would play out like. In Arma III specifically (which I was actually quite excited to play because I got it running on Linux) you can download mods and weapon packs so you can kit out your custom soldiers and make squads out of them. As you can imagine, I recreated Armadillo Squad from the story and had them do some Recon Ops missions against "Not the Taliban" and some PMC fraction just so I can get an idea of their fighting style. Hikari's AN-94 is GOAT. She was the one who probably was taking out the most targets out of all them. She might as well be a sniper. Chiara was kind of useless since her MP5SD didn't have the stopping power to take out enemies at medium-long ranges in Arma III so she was constantly being hit and injured by incoming fire. Emi was average. About on par with any other basic M4A1 load out in Arma III. Mai was the most depressing since her SKS put her at a major disadvantage and she would constantly run out of ammo during firefights so she would just be hiding and constantly repeating "Out of ammo" over and over again and not doing anything (which is kind of in character of her to be fair). Not all of their weapons were available such as the High Point C9 or Tarurus TX22 compact so they had to use subsitutes. Still, it was a good way to see how the girls might perform in the story after having them do "virtual" battles in Arma III. I am kind of thinking of improving their gear later on in the story.
Last but not least, I kind of been wanting to talk about Styxhexenhammer666 and the drama that's been going on with him. The only reason I even care about it is because the fact I was at one point naive and dumb enough to listen to him and watch his videos way back in the 2015-2019 era. Styx comes across as the kind of guy who I would describe as a grifter. I don't know what it is with these personallity types on YouTube especially, who don't preach what they promote. In my case, my entire blog site is just a cautionary tale for my own life and I don't consider myself to be anyone of a high moral standard. I have flaws, I'm don't see myself as an influencer. I'm just myself and posting on here is my own way of coping and easing my mind of my life's problems. I know my life could be way worse, but it could also be way better. Styx has everything he needs to make his life better. He claims to be someone of good character (lmao), honest, and "in the know". But let's be serious here, did you really expect a satanist larper to be any of those things when he can't even work with basic computer software and technology, write books that aren't just basic entry level lolbertarian politics, and is a dead beat boyfriend and dad? But this was long after I lost interest in him when I started to realize he's not really going to speak out the truth about politics in the west and will keep pushing the "Trigger the LIbs, Own the libs" rhetoric that had already became stale by 2018 mid-terms. It's like that guy Quartering who makes videos off Disney. It's like..."Uhuh...I get it. Disney is woke, they hate their audience and appeal to deranged Tumblrites and Twitter addicts, blah blah blah we already were saying this back in 2015 with gamer gate. Everyone and their grandmother already knows it. I don't need to keep hearing about wokeness or trannies because I'm frankly tired of it. I was also pretty tired of Styx so I kind of just moved on from him and looked more towards more honest YouTubers who said it like it is (asssuming their channels haven't been purged at this point). It honestly doesn't suprise me that Styx is getting charged with assault from his ex, his wife, how many crazy women did he sleep with again?
I don't know why guys go nuts over insane girls. Especially Styx because if he's so famous in his sphere, he could easily find someone else. But nah..."I'm totally going to win back my Ex this time, just two more dates, trust the plan!" I am not even that desperate. If you've been reading my blogs long enough, you probably know about my oneitis which I made cringe posts about on this website because I was upset I didn't get to say much to her back in my school years. I'm happy to report that I haven't had any thoughts of her recently which kind of shows my sanity is improving since I started this blog in 2020. There was also that other girl that I had a "dinner date" with that didn't even make a dent in my life because I moved on right afterwards because I knew she probably wasn't worth the time or effort if she was never really interested in me. I wasn't particularly interested in her either considering her mannerism and apperances and I thank God I am not one to simp or fawn over nobodies. Instead, I just think about fantastical girls like Emi, Chiara, Mai, and Hikari who aren't perfect but at least try to be the very best for themselves and towards others Ha ha! But girls like that are extremely rare if not idealistic and pure fantasy. That's not to say I hate women as much as I used to back when I started this blog as I sort of understand why they act the way they do so I can't entirely blame them for the reason why I have been so lonely all my life. I mean, I had a few women in my life who were kinder than me than anyonelse in my life including teachers (whom I generally despise as a whole but that's going off in a tangent). Humans in general are just plain awful no matter what. I'd like to think I'm better than your average normie when it comes to morality but I still have my doubts about myself.
It's important that we at least try to be honest and faithful to what we believe in and be ready to stand by your stances. I'm not perfect. Neither is Styx, but he should just come out and just admit he's a hyprocrite. Just a while ago, he made a video about how Elon Musk was talking about how everyone should be having babies in order to save the economy and declining birthrates in the west so Styx went on about how you should just be randomly approaching women left and right and fucking left and right. Yeah, great video Styx. Especially considering you aborted your first child and left the other one without a father figure in the Netherlands. Being a mongol dead beat dad will surely save the west this time. You sure set up a wonderful example for what the "Saviors of Freedom and the West" should be like. Just trust the plan bro. That demon thing you worship said so. But I am sure he'll save you from your battery charges, you silly lobertarian hippie. I know I probably shouldn't be bad mouthing e-celebs and such but when you're someone as arrogant as Styx, it's kind of warranted.
September 10, 2024: PEE ESSS FIVE PRO WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH MICROSOFT BTFO, NINTENDO BTFO, MAKE WAY PLEBS DA PEEEE SEEEEEE 5 PRO IS HERE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH AND ONLY 700 UNITED STATES PESOS WHAT ARE YOU POOR LIKE NIGGA STEP IT UP MANG YA GOTTA HUSTLE HUSTLE HUSTLE FOR DAT PEEEEEEE SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE FIVE SHEEEEIT CANT WAIT TO PLAY LAST OF US TWOOOO AND WATCH ELLIE GET HER HEAD SMASHED IN BY THAT STEROID BITCH AT A SILKY SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTH 60 FRAMES PER SECOND I CANNOT WAIT TO PLAY BLACK SPIDERMAN, GOD OF MY WIFE'S SON, AND CONCORD OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Good lord Sony fans are getting treated worse than cattle. This has to be one of the worst annoucements of console hardware I had ever seeen in my life. I mean, this beats the PS3 launch by miles for how insane underwhelming this "upgrade" is. It's bad enough PS5 has no games. How about having no games at the price of a mid-range gaming pc. Oh my God. I am at a lost for words. I mean this year has been incredibly fun for gaming but not in the way most devs were expecting. So many flops from triple A games is just icing on the cake. 2025 is going to have so many layoffs, I can already see the writing on the wall. I know I shouldn't be laughing at other people's failures but these are mutlibilion dollar corporations who hate their audience, push DRM anti consumerism crap, and are charging you more for less quality and content. Everyone cried about the PS3 launch back in the day, myself included, but man oh man we were so guilible back then because we never expected it to be this bad. The most expensive console I know of is that Neo-Geo one from the 90s but that was essentially arcade hardware slapped onto a console so it sort of made sense why it was so expensive. The PS3 at launch was the cheapest Blueray player at the time and even if it didn't have a stellar launch of games, you could at least play PS1 and PS2 games (on the fat model at least). This PS5 pro doesn't even come with a disk drive at $700 and the pricing is even worse if you are outside of the US. YOU DONT EVEN GET A CONSOLE STAND. This is Apple levels of nickle & diming.
This launch was so laughably bad, I had to stop what I was doing before having my dinner to come here and laugh about it in my blog. Ah man, I'm glad modern gaming sucks now. My wallet has really enjoyed the savings over the past 15 years.
September 2, 2024: Hardware and Student Loan Problems
These past few days have not been great. It's like out of nowhere, most of my hardware deciedes to fall apart before me. The worst one being my network card on my desktop. It's has completely failed and I can't connect to my wifi network with it anymore. It's not a driver issue because it's been working for years without any issues on both Linux and Windows. I could connect to lan but my router is in my living room and I would drag my entire destkop and montior over there just to use it which is stupid and would probably piss off my mom more than she needs to. So I gotta buy another one. Ideally at the end of this week. I got Monday off so that's nice. But in the meantime, I'm gonna have to be on my laptop for now since I can connect to the internet that way.
The other hardware to fail on me this week is my 256GB micro sd card. That's kind of given seeing as how most of micro sd cards like to fail. The one I had was a Lexar but Sandisks have not been good with either. Honestly the worst loss of data was from one of those Sandisk 1TB Extreme Portable SSDs. You know what's extreme about those particular external storage devices? They are extreme in terms of their reliability because they fail in just two months! TWO MONTHS! and Sandisk customer support basically told to me to fuck myself and it wasn't their problem despite the fact I wasn't the only one having this problem because it turns out these SSDs were defective out of the factory. Luckily I didn't lose any important data because I always do my best to keep backups with backups. I have hard drives for days from all the computer drives I'd salvaged from my old computers or by computers nobody wanted anymore. I even make use of those 2.5 hard drives from laptops. Everything will have backups of something one way or another. I will never shill for any product but I will happily anti-shill things that fail on me so hear it from me:
DO NOT BUY ANY SANDISK EXTREME PORTABLE SSD PRODUCT
As for alternatives? I honestly don't know. A lot of my old hard drives will still work and transfer data which is more than what I can say for those San Disk external SSDs. But I also recommend never storing anything improtant on micro SSDs either. I generally just keep music on them that I use on my cell phone. I have stopped streaming music other than through YouTube ReVanced. I could look into an MP3 player but most of the good ones are so old, they have failing batteries or they are one of those extreme high fi audio devices that are just out of my budget at the moment.
I'm not doing financially great as you can tell. I mean, it doesn't really matter since I only pay some bills, groceries, and live with my mom. I could be completely broke and it would make no difference to my living standards. But now the Department of Education is on my ass giving me phonecalls and sending me letters basically telling me that I am in Default. Really? After all these years they finally took this long to tell me I am in Default? So yeah my wages are going to get fucked eventhough I don't make much with my part time job. I mean it sure would be nice to work full time but nobody is hiring. If they start to get really agressive with me by making me go to court and threatening me with lawsuits, I won't give a shit. I'll just quit my job and go back into NEETdom. They want me to pay like $750 a month. That's just not feesible. As a reminder, don't fall for the college meme if you're still at the age where you have to deciede for your future. Don't let facuality and parents put you onto a path of financial destruction like they did with me. It would have been nice ot know how loans worked when I was 17. But of course, "Muh college" "Muh College". They made me sign up for those federal loans because nobody told me my scholarship would be enough. In fact, nobody even prepared me for college no matter how my AP classes I took in high school. It would have honestly been better if colleges were free but highly selective based on academics so that you would have to study hard to get in. At least some kind of entrance exam of some sort to determine eligiblity for certain degree plans. Oh wait! WE HAVE STANDARDIZED TESTING LIKE THE ACT, SAT, SHIT, AND THEY DON'T EVEN DO SHIT. WORSE. IN TEXAS, WE HAD TAKS GROWING UP WHICH WAS ANOTHER SHITTY STANDARDIZED TEST THAT WAS SO PISS EASY IT THERE WASN'T EVEN A POINT IN IT. I need to shut up now because I could go on and on about how shitty American Uni is and how much I hate the education system in general despite being one of the more promissing students growing up. I honestly would have been better off a slacker like my classmates because all of those who took the easy way out have more work experience, have a better social life, and even a healthy family unit. Meanwhile, I am in poverty, debt, loneliness, and people on the internet, the system, and grifters just tell me to shut up and "muh bootstraps" despite there being no way out of this hell. I trusted the system and now the system screwed me. But whatever. I'm sure those H1B1s, illegal immigrants, and so forth will be totally worth the savings costs from hiring and training workers who have the mental capcity to want to help the same system that exploits us all. I'm not paying those students loans. The Department of Education can garnish my wages but they won't garnish me into submission.
I am gonna watch some anime for a bit, drink some water, and continue working on my Mil-Sim Story idea. I'm doing Chapter 4 right now and I do have all sorts of ideas going forward which is a good thing to be fair. I don't really trust Neocities as a stable website to host stuff seeing as how they banned Digital Cheese a while ago so I'm looking into altenratives. I know how to host my own website on something like a Raspberry Pi so I could always do that. I will probably post it on my YouTube Channel which just posts music since that's not something that could realistically be taken down by YouTube's draconian and arbitrary rules. So do keep and eye on my YouTube Channel if my site were to ever be taken down for whatever reason. I try to keep update to date backups but as long as I have my data and a place to post. I will not be silenced.
I do want to finish this story project of mine. I want to put it up as a free Epub, PDF, or Mobi format so anyone can download and read it on their computer or E-reader of choice. I suppose it would be nice to have a physical copy too but I do use copyrighted names and songs in my book so I don't know how that would work. Even the firearm names can be a bit iffy since I know in some video games, they don't use the real name of firearms due to copyright and some lawsuits regarding advertising firearms. Activision even got sued because they featured a Daniel Defense AR that somehow the anti-gun lobby used as a connection to that Uvalde shooting. It's all so retarded. Outsiders think we can just buy guns off Walmart and have machine guns but it's nothing like that here in the states, and there's so much bullshit regulations like barrel length, supressors, and tax staps that don't have any logic or reasoning to them it'll make your head hurt if you think too much about it. If you're going to be an anti-gunner, at least be honest and admit you want completely disarmed populace. I would have more respect for them if they also supported a disarmed military and police but realistically these people are sadists that get off to the idea of corrupt goverments abusing the populace so of course they don't want them disarmed. Rant aside, this story is all in a virtual reality setting in a fictional world with slightly advance technology, better social climate, and wholesome people with personal issues but overall moral values so I don't see how I could be advertising anything if I were to make a physical copy of this story. I mean, someone tell me where you can get an AN-94? They are rare even in the Russian Military.
But honestly, out of all the stuff going on in my life, this story is keeping me busy and I do enjoy writing even if my writing style leaves a lot to desire. There's some improvements I can make so maybe I'll rework some chapters and paragraphs before I finalize the entire thing into a proper free story.
August 23, 2024: Yappers and Mil-Sim Waifu Story Telling.
I probably lost like 10 lbs this afternoon. I mean yeah I did my daily cardio as I usually do but my stomach isn't feeling too good. I had bbq beef brisquit today at work and while it was really really good, my stomach apparently thought it was too much. All I ate was a sandwhich with beef brisquit. Everyone else was munching down on a entire plate. I don't know how they do it. I get home later and my stomach is aching like crazy and the rest is history. I am doing better now that it's out of my system but that was not the best feeling in my life to put it mildy, no matter how good that brisquit was. It's a reason why I try to avoid eating out.
However, lunch was particularly unpleasant because there was this one guy from work that invited one of his friends who happens to work with the board of directors for a local school district and oh man he's probably one of the worst examples of a gen-xer I ever had the displeasure of dealing with. There's not one moment where he would not stop talking. I am serious. Like at least normies have to take a breather and let others talk but no, this guy wanted to be the center of attention in the conversation. He would go on and on and on and on and on and on about "Oh this is what we're doing to preach sustainability, gender equality in the school district, getting fucking ELEMENTARY KIDS prep'd for college I shit you not, and political activism. It wasn't just me that wished I was deaf. Everyone else in the table and the BBQ place just wanted it all to end. He would even talk to me about all the stuff he was doing and I would be like "Yep...huh...alright...I see." And then he would get destracted by the female waiters or anyone unfortunate enough to be near him and he would immidiately start talking or flirting with them to them too. Non-stop. It's like the complete opposite condition of what I have where I generally don't want to talk to anyone even if I have a question about something. I mean I could do it, but I really don't do it unless it's a last resort because I don't like butting into other people's buisness, but this guy....oh this guy. You could be wearing the most minimalist boring outfit and he'll still find something to get you hooked into his converstation and not in a good way either. More like a manipulative sales pitch kind of way. And then of course, he had to bring up the upcoming election, "DRUMPF is racist, sexist, blah blah blah Kamala Slay Queen slay, we have to help Ukraine, Immigrants and blah blah balh." Like I'm not 100% on board with Trump but God help me, that was painful to listen to. I mean you can make valid criticisms about Trump like claiming he's too hooked on the whole Israel issue or how his VP pick was extremely questionable to the point where it killed all that momentum he had after nearly getting assasinated but bringing up talking points like it's 2016 is just embarrassing like....ugh...I'm too fustrated to swear. He's like what happens if you get all of your personality from being around female teachers, those annoying teacher pet students, and Reddit. I never thought in all of my life I would ever run into someone so insufferable. Like it's one thing if you have opposing political beliefs, it's whatever. But don't try to preach your beliefs to me when you know most of what you are rooting for affects me negatively in a social and economic senese. Like I don't understand who roots for stuff like forcing kids into debt by making them go to Uni by social pressure, making us waste tax dollars on Ukraine or Israel (Or both in Kamala's case since she admitted it herself lmao), or promoting mass immigration (legal or illegal) without realizing that it drives wages down across all job fields. In that case, just admit you support US social and military immperialism where the citizens have no personal control over their education or their taxes. And of course he thinks homeschooling is "le evil" and making kids anti-social. Guys like this are the ones who are driving the shift of what's being taught in schools. Do you really want some degenerate metal loving Gen-Xer telling you what your kids should learn and strive for? No wonder this guy had like two divorces which he openly admits like it's an accomplishment. And I thought boomers were bad.
On the other hand, these past few days I sort of got back into writing stories again. I wouldn't necessarily say good stories but I do feel more motivated than usual. Specifically, the story I am writing on my compannion website called "Waifu Library" which was originally a place to post about my favorite anime/vidya girls but I also wanted to post some fanficiton and other stories that were competely original. "Mil-Sim Story" just so happens to be the one that I've been working on lately. I sort of got inspired to write it after getting into the whole guntuber drama as of late. I talked about it in my previous blog from August 7 but while I was thinking about it, I thought to myself "Why aren't firearms as fun as they used to be." In other words, everything is just so serious on the guntuber scene with constant shilling and "Oh you gotta follow the meta of having this expensive ass gear and if you don't you're going to die in a boogie woogie scenario." I mean I like guns. I like being able to try out different types of firearms to see how they operate, what makes them special or unique, and though I don't really have a large or impressive firearm collection, I am blessed with having some people and places to try out stuff I would normally never have access to, at least in the past when shooting was affordable. I wanted to make firearms seem fun to myself again without any of the meta build bullshit you see on YouTube or on some threads on /k/ that aren't about the Ukraine war.
So I wanted to make a story that revolved around a bunch of cute girls who were all misfits in their own way, working together and finding an appreciate for firearms, military history and tactics, and overcoming their own personal struggles with life. I went with a college setting rather than the typical high school one like you'd see with Girls Und Panzer or Upotte!! because I feel that kind of only works in Japanese culture and I feel at least here in the United States, college is probably one of the most stressful times in life. Particuarly your 20s. I wanted to reflect a bit on that in my story.
Originally, I was going to have it be about airsoft and have the girls go out on weekends to play in airsoft skirmishes, tournaments, and even roleplay sessions (if you look those up on YouTube, they are actually very interesting and I do want to try one of those someday if I ever do get back into airsoft again). But the problem with going with airsoft is that guns don't usually translate well when they all shoot 6mm plastic BBs. I can tell you from experience that an airsoft version of a M1A1 Thompson (I used to own a CYMA version) would shoot the same in terms of velocity and distance of a typical M4A1 replica airsoft depending on the spring, battery, weight of the bb, and so forth. It wouldn't get that sort of gun-autism niche like you would get with Girls Und Panzer where all the tanks have their own quirks and abilities (Even if they can be over exagerated sometimes for the sake of action).
Going with a VR/Neurolink Military simulation type game made more sense. It does seem like something that could be possible in the near future. Like it would be a sort of VR headset but the Neurolink would work by detecting pulses in your brain without the need of having an implant. You could sort of see that with that guy who did get the implant and was playing Mario Kart with his brain, but my idea is to ditch the surgery and implants all together and use sensors and a screen to put the player in a sort of lucid dream state where he can opperate software or even a game like Mil-Sim story. Of course, being a military simulation, it's going to have some fairly realistic gun physics and you're not exactly going to have super human abilities. But most of the fun comes from using your brain to work as a team with other players, learning how firearms work and how to keep them functional, and adapting to tatics on the fly. I wanted some action in my story, but not extreme violence because I don't like the idea of having my characters mauled into gibs, the story is supposed to be good spirited and uplifting with some banter and humor here and there. Just like in Girls Und Panzer. Oh and it doesn't necessarily have to be modern military simulation either because the players can pick any firearm from any era in history to take with them to the online battlefield and there'll be historical events and matches where the players will be restricted to era-appropiate equipment for that match to make things interesting (along with some oddball events that will offer some suprises to the players in the story as well to keep things fun).
So for the time being, I still have this really strong creative drive to keep going with the story. I already have some conclusions to finish the story entirely but I do want it to feel like a weekly special where this squad of girls will go on new missions with new challenges, new characters and teams, new guns, and character development until they eventually reach the ulitimate end or conclusion to their own personal sturggles and work together to become the ultimate squad in "Mil-Sim Story". At least that's the idea. I want it to be about the journey more so than the destination but I'll have to see how that goes.
August 7, 2024: It's like Devry Univeristy but with Fuddlore and Greedy Guntubers!
I am still feeling like garbage. I threw up quite a bit yesterday afternoon and my body aches like crazy. I'm a bit better today but still not great. Must be some kind of virus going around because even my mom is sick. Everyone is sick. I have no idea if I'll be good enough to go to work tomorrow because I don't want to drive in traffic while feeling dizzy and having some pretty strange brain fog as well. It doesn't help I cut myself under my nail on my left index/ring finger, I don't even know what you call it but it's all bandaged up and it's a bit akward to type. I'll roll with it. I think I can still function.
Interesting stuff has been going on with YouTubers this year. Very interesting. Dramatards are having a good meal today and though I cannot keep up with all of it, from what I know, MrBeast and crew are a shame (oh wow who could have seen that coming amirite?), Boogie lied about cancer and started to attention seek as usual, Every normie Youtuber is hungry shark looking to dogpile on someone who is getting cancelled while trying to hide skeletons in the closet. But the one that really intrigues me is the stuff going on with sponsorships involving the GunTuber community.
It should be pretty obvious that YouTube (Alphabet/Google) has a very anti-gun stance and does go out of the way to demote or block such content on the regular. So most guntuber channels either started doing paetrons, merch, or most often not sponsorships. In the guntuber space, there's a close knit circle of influencers that all fall under the banner of Leviathan Group. If you click that link, you can get a good idea of who's part of it but what kind of name is Leviathan Group anyways? Sounds like a coporate terrorist organization from Metal Gear Solid or like a LEET anonomoose hacker group from Reddit or something. But yeah, it's mostly guntuber channels which would be whatever if there wasn't some shady shit going on in regards to the sort of shilling that goes on with most of these channels (Not all of them, Reno May seems okay and is honest with his videos but everyone else is questionable to reasons I'll get to shortly).
So one of those content creators you don't see under Leviathan Group anymore is Garand Thumb who had recently drop out of that content creator circle. Hmm makes you think doesn't it? Could it be perhaps like most massive channel networks, all of these channels pretending to be independent voices are all parroting the same narrative whenever there's a new firearm from Springfield, SIG, or perhaps taking a sponsor from a shitty overpriced holster company, or maybe you want to be a gunsmith and you can apply by checking out Sonoran Desert Institute and get an associate degree in machine for as little as 24,000 burger units!
Oh yeah, I'm going to focus on SDI. If you watch enough gun channels at some point, you will probably come across some channel which is sponsored by them. It seems like this money pit of a online school likes to throw money at YouTubers. It's supposedly a private education program that is supposed to teach you gunsmithing and get you an associate in machining or something like that. FocusTripp and Desk Pop had recently called out on this scam by citing various reviews and testiomies from those who applied and attended this online school and oh boy it's exactly how you would imagine a shady online school would function. You pay 24,000 bucks to read online articles on gunsmithing, watch YouTube videos on gunsmithing that you could of watched on your own time FOR FREE, read some text books with questionable sources and information regarding firearm history and maintenance (Again, you can just look some from free articles online or watch something like Forgotten Weapons on YouTube for free if you want to learn some firearm history), and when you do get hands on experience with actual gunsmithing, you are given instructions to construct a muzzle loader (which you can just buy a DIY musket or flintlock pistol off your local Brass Pro Shop for like $350-$400). Those who actually managed to complete their associate degree have found their new meme degree from SDI to be kind of pointless when the small arms factories outright hire you to work in an entry level position that didn't even require a degree in the first place. You can watch Desk Pop's video or Focus Tripp video or livestream if you want more explicit details but it just goes to show, you shouldn't trust major channels no matter if they fall within your interests.
YouTubers, and most people online in general are not your friends. You should be able to realize a consesus among YouTubers that shilling the same "Raid Shadow Legends", "Better Help", "Nord VPN", etc etc that might as well be scams to take advantage of you for the sake of the content creator's wallet. It's no different in the GunTuber community. Just goes to show that they care more about the bottom line when it comes to finances, more so than they do about the right to bear arms, or responsible gun ownership, or just being a decent person. Even if economic times are hard these days, that doesn't excuse shitty behavior by shilling something you have no idea about or could potentially be outright dangerous to your viewers. If I were a major YouTuber, I would rather be evicted and live on the street than try to shill my audience some pump and dump crypto scam or promote some mental health online thearpy by some quesitonable "therapist", or shill a mobile game literally made in Israel. You couldn't pay me the world to do so and I honestly wish major channels in all sectors would be the same. Eitherway, it's been very entertaining to see it fall apart when the shills are eventually called out. But most people with a brain could probably see it coming from a mile away. Oh and on a personal note, I didn't need a degree to do my own poverty gunsmithing when I had to put together my Beretta Model 81 but I should get one because that pistol was an absolute nightmare to put back together. Especially that trigger spring. The only opportunity cost was my own time, and $15 I paid some guy on ebay who had the spare trigger spring because my old spring was incredibly out of shape and bent.
I hope this blogpost was okay becuase my brains are kind of scrabled lately with brain fog. For a moment, I honestly thought something was wrong when I couldn't hear my music player on my laptop but then I realized I didn't have my headphones on which were already connected. That's how 100% I am right now. I suppose it's a bit funny as long as I stay home and rest. Hopefully my mind will clear itself. I honestly, never had brainfog like this before so this all so strange to me. I feel sleepy so goodnight for now. Don't forget your adblock and sponsporblock.
August 5, 2024: Mildly Sick...but a whole lotta brainstorming.
I was honestly doing okay all summer long. I avoided ever getting heat exhaustion but that's becaues the tropics were kind of active since June and the temperatures were actually 10 degree cooler (speaking in burger units) than what I felt last year. I feel bad for everyone in the heat dome up north. But it is started to heat up again but summer is about to be kind of over in late September so maybe I can get some 80 degree weather real soon. That would be good enough to go outside for a bit and not die. But at the moment, I do feel like shit. Very mild nausea, a bit of a hurting throat though not nearly as bad as when I first got covid, and a lot of sneezing. It's whatever. I can still function. The headache I had yesterday wasn't fun but nothing a bit of pain killers couldn't fix.
I've been thinking a lot of my personal projects lately. I want to rebuild my AR Firebolt lower now that I have my printing settings dialed up. I just so happen to have a bunch of my lower parts kit from that previous build that only lasted a 150 or so rounds before the retainer pins cracked, causing the upper and lower be loose and potentially giving my face a risk of being hit in the face with the AR bolt which wouldn't be fun. I'm in the process of doing some mods for my Ender 3V2 such as making it direct drive using 3D printed parts. Unfortunately, the hotend cover I made in PETG clogged up my nozzle and that was a pain to get unclogged. Out of all the filmaments I use (PLA, PLA+, TPU) PETG is the one that gets clogged up. It would be cool to print ASA but I don't want to die of plastic cancer. Who knows if the VOCs from PLA or PETG are going to make me severely sick in the future. TPU make my nose feel funny when I print it (even in an enclosure) but I haven't made anything with that material lately. Maybe that's why I've been feeling sick since yesterday, but I have taken a small break from printing stuff so I can see if that's the cause. I don't really think so considering a lot of other people at work have been feeling the same as I am now. Probably a mild virus.
But the other idea I've been "dreaming" about (yeah not serious because there's no way I could pull this off living at home with barely any privacy and lots of noise pollution), is to do some YouTube videos that aren't just music posts. It would be cool to do some kind of Vtuber thing where I can have an avatar charcter in the corner while I talk about...hm...stuff that interest me. Maybe tech articles, my thoughts on current events, or whatever seems interesting to talk about. Either that or I'll play games live or something with an uregulated chat. It's not something I would do seriously, or even to try to make money on YouTube, because God forbid I become an e-celeb, that would be horrible. But it would be cool to do something live like that and work on my speaking skills, maybe work on my anxiety if I do it through an avatar. The avatar in question could probably just be some custom male anime character that resembles me (because I like to self insert), but in some kind of steampunk garb, nothing to crazy but simple. I know there are programs out there for making Vtuber avatars and stuff so I can't imagine it being too difficult. But I would have to buy some kind of camera rig in addition to a decent microphone that isn't one of those dildo looking ball shits Youtubers often recommend and honestly this all sounds like a money sink when I really don't want to spend my savings, even if it's for a new "hobby". But in a hypthetical situation where I do move out and get my own place where I don't have to deal with roomates or relatvies, I could spend my Friday nights streaming and talking to chat so they can use me as their friend simulator if they so please. But realistically, I don't really see this working out with how things are at the moment. I do feel a lot of my blog posts could work as some kind of background noise if I would do it in audio form but I really don't like my voice or my nervousness when I do speak, so it's not something I'm seriously considering. I don't know, I would have to move out if I ever wanted to seriously consider it because I don't want distractions and I would like aboslute privacy to pull it off.
A better job could fix all this but the job market really sucks and I'm lucky I even have a job in the first place. I could do something desperate and work in construction because they are always hiring but screw trying to work outside at this time. Not only am I crippled from lifting heavy objects thanks to my torn muscle on my elbow, the heat alone will destroy me. I don't know how those guys do it when they are outside wearing jean pants and all that vest gear. A good chunk of them are overweight too and still manage to pull it off. I don't know what's wrong with me. The moment I get too hot, outside or inside, I start to get rashy, my head hurts, and the extreme nausea and disorientation kicks in.
August 2, 2024: Some Political blunders, Olympics shit, and a looooong response to some "constructive criticism"
It's getting hot again. Not as hot as last year but it's still pretty miserable. You know what else is miserable? The republican party. I don't know why they are so bent on sabotaging their own momentum. Trump's VP is probably one of the worst picks I'd ever seen in all my life. JD Vance pretty much killed all the momentum Trump had after nearly being assasinated by some dweeb from a Black Rock Commerical. Also Biden isn't running for his next term anymore which wasn't really shocking and honestly was a good move for the Demoncrats. So I guess KWEEEN YAS SLAY KWEEN KAMALA is gonna be the canidate for 2024 for the Dems. *Sigh and shrug* whatever. Politics are shit. It's either "GIVE ALL OUR MONEY TO ISRAEL AND IMMIGRANTS" or "GIVE ALL OUR MONEY TO UKRAINE AND IMMIGRANTS" along with "lol fuck incels and bachelors pay us more money so we can give it to Israel." I was honestly very close believing the Republicans would actually pull their head out of their asses and actually start taking the election and their voter's will seriously but naaaaaaaaah let's have a Pro-Israel pride parade for our national convention. It's so embarrassing and tiresome.
I didn't watch the olympics at all. Not that could since it's all pay-walled so whatever info I get from what happened at the olympics in France was from posts and word of mouth and nothing else. The opening ceramony, from the screenshots I've seen, are just pathetic and sad, but not suprising. Honestly, it made me lose a bit of respect for France as a country but there's always Italy to fall back on as the Alpha Med-country. I wish I could had gone to Europe when it was nicer back in my high school years but Marching Band season cucked me out of going and I didn't have $5000, let alone any money as a sophomore back then. But honestly, the degenerate shit is just everywhere at this point. I'm not going to care about it anymore because it honestly doesn't shock me or anger me anymore. It's just *shrug* whatever I don't care and I don't want to see it. The only good thing to come out of the Olympics was the shooting matches (I think they use air guns or .22lr rifles, I'm not so sure), but that 50 year old Turkish Chud meme guy who won a silver medal with no gucci retarded equipment was interesting. I wish I could be on the US olympics shooting team. I think I would be pretty okay. Apparently the US team didn't do so hot in shooting which is ironic considering our gun culture. I looked up the prices for some of those olympic air guns and yeaaaah not happening. They are like thousands of dollars for what is eseentially an airgun you can buy at Walmart or Amazon for $50. .117 pellets are still cheaper than real bullets.
I was checking my emails today (Since I am so awful at keep track of emails I recieve on my cock.li account). If I missed out on replying, I really do apologize because I've been so caught up with IRL stuff that I usually don't have the energy or time to check my emails. Posting on my Neocities page is the best way for me to see a comment since I do occasional look at Neocities on the weekdays in the morning or at night. But I did get one negative email which honestly excited me because finally somoene realized I am piece of shit. Like no shit, that's what my blog is all about. I write about my bad habbits, my shitty beliefs, and my bad life choices and experiences so that readers can see them and either learn from my mistakes, or perhaps watch me grow into something a bit more tolerable. I certainly not as doom and gloom as I used to be when I started blogging. Critical responses to my website, I honestly don't mind them at all. Especially constructive criticism to my site design or to the stuff I talk about in my blogs is always appreciated.
But this one email seemed pretty ticked off about the things I said, mainly about my mother, about my ideal gf, and being a loser, and my bad spelling. Well the last bit is actually valid because my grammatical errors are pretty bad on this site because I don't really use a spell check and like to type on the fly since this is sort of my online diary (and to be honest, I'm just so lazy). But everything else just seems like they are ass blasted about me even talking about my feelings, my beliefs, and my problems in my life because apparently I'm spoiled and live very comfortable as an American and I'm not entitled to being in a relationship because I am a shitty manchild. So, I'm going to make this a seperate part for my daily blog so everything after this line is just my long winded response to that email in a non-direct manner.
It's not like I haven't been homeless multiple times in my life out of the pure toxic relationships I have with my own parents. You know, the ones that are supposed to be supporting you and backing you up because they made the decision to have you. I'm not a asset to my parents. I refuse to believe in that backwards nonesense. When you give birth to a child, you better make damn sure you are going to give that child all the love and attention they will need as they grow up. My parents did not do anything like that. I mean sure, they fed me, sent me to public school (which is arguably a terrible thing considering what I went through in public school), and they usually let me sleep under their roof, but I had to deal with their constant fighting because despite being raised Catholic, my parents were anything but stable or good natured. My dad would always prioritize work over being at home and doing stuff with my mom or myself My mom was psychotic and anxious over everything. She expected me to do everything I was told to do or I would be punished (usually by screaming or by a slap across my face). This was something that would go as far back as I remember because my parents would always fight with one another and that would eventually lead to their divorce. It certainly traumatized me growing up because there were nights were I couldn't get any sleep because my parents were fighting and shouting. Till this day, my mom still screams and shouts although this time into the void or at me on occasion but I'm used to it at this point. I don't care if she thinks I'm a loser or a failure in life no matter how hard I try sometimes. I know it's never going to be enough for her so I don't waste my energy on trying to please her.
Usually, if I went somewhere with them, it was always for my parents to socialize and talk with relatives or other parents to brag and show off "how smart" or "how atheletic" their kids were. I was forced to play many sports like Baseball, Soccer (Yeah I know I know internationals like to call it Football, Fussball, etc etc but I'll compromise and call it poverty ball), and eventually marching band (because both of my parents did that when they were in high school). These were not activites I wanted to do growing up. The only reason I stuck around in marching band was because I liked music, but I hated going out to pratice and being out in the heat during my summer break. It was bad enough I was doing extra credit STEM classes before that and my AP summer reading assignments they would make us do. As for my gaming addiction, my parents are to blame for that because they thought raising a kid on video games and with a computer would be a good way to distract me and keep me quiet (because as a kid growing up in the 90s, I do remember going outside to play from time to time) but they were overly protective and didn't allow me to play with other kids which stunted my social growth. That was actually quite common for a lot of kids growing up at that time so I wasn't the exception or anything. It's kind of the same thing that parents do with kids when they hand them a smart phone and probably equally as damaging. But either way, it was lazy parenting.
The point being, I did not consent to being born. I came into existance because my parents were selfish and irresponsible. They saw other families having kids and wanted a piece of the attention and the "rank" of being a parent but put in the lowest amount of effort into actually parenting as they could. Also, they assumed kids were something you can program into doing whatever you want them to. They tried to push sports onto me and I didn't like that. My mom tried pushing me into the medical field as far back as in Elementary by forcing me to dress up like a doctor for Halloween and telling everyone how I was going to grow up to be a Doctor while my Dad wanted me to go into the STEM field. I always wanted to do music or do something with directing movies growing up but my parents said those were hobo careers and I needed to study for a real degree. So that's what I did after high school and well I fucked up pretty bad on that end. I thought it would be cool to work on robotics and stuff like that, mainly to have robotic waifus someday but I guess that never came into fruition. But I was never obliged to do anything for my parents. Not back then and certainly not now. My life is my life. I don't owe them anything. I would feel more obliged to help them out if they were more kind and understanding of me but they never gave me that support. Just because they are my parents doesn't mean I have to see them as Gods. I don't know why people like to push the "respect your parents" meme sometimes. What if your parents abused you? I know my parents could have done a lot worse things to me but that doesn't mean they were necessarily good parents. Feeding and housing your kid isn't being a good parent. It's the bare minimal. They did it because otherwise I would starve or in their mind, they would lose custody of their pig farm animal that would had feed them years later figuratively speaking. It's a shitty way of parenting and honestly I wish more parents would seriously consider doing what is best for their child rather than what is best for their own. But I suppose I am ungrateful and spoiled because of that.
So am I guilty of making a victim complex out of myself? Of course I am. That's the whole point of my blog site. I do feel like I am a victim of bad circumstancs, bad parenting, and factors far beyond my control like my genetics. I liked how I was accused of being white, as if that's something to be ashamed of. I'm not white. Partially due to my dad's genetics, but I wouldn't qualify for a theoritical ethno-state of any kind. I have a lot of genetic defects that would obviously make it harder for me to appear attractive to the opposite sex. Weight isn't one of them because I'm not overweight anymore. I haven't been overweight since 2019 as I've been doing cardio at least once a day and it's done wonders for me. I'm not /fit/ like a Greek statue but I'm more healthy than the average guy walking around at the grocery store if that matters. My height is pretty miserable at 4'11" but I honestly don't really feel bothered by it. I look younger than I really am which I suppose is a good thing. My social skill are awful, that's a given considering my life up to this point. I have a right to talk about how shit my life has been. But oh I guess I'm supposed to MAN UP and just pretend life is SOOOO good. Honestly, that's just being incredibly stupid. So called normal people are anything but happy with the way life is, at least in the developed western countires like my own. I've seen it. They hate working 40 hours a week, they hate talking to people and playing social games, they hate the bullshit that comes with relationships that should had never been formed in the first place. Everything is an Ayn Rand dystopia where everything is capital including personal and social values. It's not about left vs right, incel vs normie, wizard vs socialy adjusted person. It's shit everywhere. Most people are awful, myself included. At least I'm honest about that. I'm not going to pretend I'm a good person like most people do. Those sorts of people are way more depraved and sadistic than they make themselves out to be and honestly are quite dangerous to be around. I will admit I do feel some angst in never feeling what true love is like (well up until AI gave me a small taste of that lmao) but these days, I'm kind of just accepting of the fact I am not desirable to most girls. It's whatever, like most things in life. I got hobbies other than vidya and anime to keep me distracted and assuming AI software isn't gimped and will be optimized for low end rigs and FOSS'd (not likely), I may not even see the need to go out there and put myself out there in the barren wasteland that is the dating scene (whatever that means). I blog on this site because it's the one place where I can be vulgar, negative, and honest about myself as well as the shitty apsects of my life that I can be blunt about. It's eases my stress, it feels good to have people reading my experiences so they can be critical of my way of thinking or relate to it. I want to be a better person. I do want to be normal like everyone else. But that's easier said than done when most people don't give you a chance to speak your mind or unwind your thoughts in real life. I'm not as talkative or as outspoken in rea life because I generally don't go out of my way to look for trouble. I'd rather just not deal with people to be honest. It certainly saves me from a lot of drama and wasted energy in real life. Yes, I actually do "touch grass" from time to time and I'm not talking about just driving to work and coming home like most people claim is "touching grass". I'm not as terminally online as most people.
As for the "I should kill myself comment", *laughs* yeah not happening. My life has already been rock bottom and I've gone out of it in one piece. Everything could stay the same as they are now with no improvemnt in my life and I still wouldn't do it. I don't believe in giving up on life itself since this might as well be the only life I will have and for all of it's ups and down, I certainly enjoy my hobbies and being by myself and my thoughts. But whatever, that sort of comment seems to come out of people who are themselves emotionally unstable. I mean I dislike a lot of people but I would never tell anyone to "Go kill themselves" Especially now that I am kind of old at this point. I don't really care.
Believe me, I've been through it all, I subscribed to every ideology at some point in my life. I guess I can be considered reactionary when it comes to how I think or what I believe in. But one thing is consistant, I am not stupid. I see the strings behind the curtains. I'm not going to lie and say what people are going to like to hear. Life is bullshit. I have every right to complain about my life because I know there are people out there like me who feel what I've experienced so I want to pitch in my own experiences in the hopes that maybe, there might be a discussion to be had to where we can get everything back on track and maybe we might have some kind of soluiton to our misery in which we can all be content with society and civilization as a whole, but that's not going to happen if voices like mine are shrugged off as whiny. But it's whatever. I'm glad I got to read something negative about my blog because it means someone is actually reading it. So good on that email. But it honestly doesn't make me feel threatened or emotionally hurt by it. I doubt whoever wrote that email has any significance to begin with. Have a good one.
July 21, 2024: What is happening?
Phew. It's been one eventful July. Not in my personal life but just in general. My 4th of July vacation was okay. I didn't go anywhere. As if I could even go anywhere. I was feeling rather down that week. Hardly anyone popped any fireworks on the 4th of July but I couldn't blame them. To be honest, I was feeling rather blackpilled and didn't really care about the election cycle or politics of things. I was just assuming Biden was going to win in another rigged election like in 2020 and everything was heading for bleakness. That was until the failed Trump assination from a few weeks ago. I have to say, we got real close to some serious shit. But by some divine miracle, we dodge a bullet (no pun intended) from some deep state shit. Granted, secret service embarrassed themselves that day and whatever plans the deep state had on that day fell apart. That is unless, they are starting to throw Biden under the bus and push for Trump as the upcomming president. I am not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing but it's a nice change I suppose. Originally, I wasn't going to be all that hyped for a Republican victory but after seeing him shrug off a failed assasination and watching the Democrats on damage control, I suppose he has won back my vote. I am pretty certain he's going to win 2024 now. But just Today, Biden annouces he's not planning on running in 2024. So it'll be KWEEN KAMALA which is just hilarious. I can't believe the Democrats could be so stupid. I mean, I have my doubts but even with the failed Trump assasination, there's a small chance Biden could had won the election with the same stragedy as last time. There's enough idiots still willing to vote for him. But now that he's out of the race (and honestly should had never been president in the first place), the Democrats are fucked. Honestly, they should of put a better canidate back in 2020 instead of a dying Neo-liberal. Even if Trump were to somehow lose the election this year, that makes Biden a 1 term loser just like Trump. What were they thinking?! Should had put up a Yang or somebody else. Kennedy would have been a solid choice. I mean come on man. All of these events do make me feel a little suspicious. I don't exactly subscribe to the Republican party 100% especially considering how pro-Israel they are. Israel and Ayn Rand are probably the worst things to ever infect the Republican party by far. And the Republican Convention from what I see seems more like a Pride event, than a gathering of the Republican party. Not to mention, I don't trust Trump's VP pick. He seems....sketchy. But whatever, I just want less immigration, more jobs that don't require me to write an essay and compete with H1Bs, a better economy and no more gun control bullshit. At least the latter I can rest easy and hope ammo prices will drop again once this election season is over. But I don't have high expectations for the Repblican party. I hope they prove me wrong.
I was feeling mildy sick last week. A slight bit of nausea, chills, and fatigue. Nothing serious enough to prevent me from driving to work or doing stuff like playing vidya or watching YouTube but anything more productive than that I couldn't spare the energy to do so. I am feeling better now, though my sleep schedule is fucked all over again. I have been playing some N64 roms. Mainly Super Mario 64 romhacks. B3133 was awesome. I am not a fan of the creepy pasta shit in the hack but going through an endless castle and discovering new levels, floors, and abilities was incredible. It felt like playing Super Mario 64 as a kid again along with all that wanderlust you get from first playiing that game. It was like playing a dream. I might of had a nightmare about Super Mario 64 which I talked about in one of my dreamlogs and I was reminded of that while I was playing this rom hack. Another cool rom hack I played was Takua64. It's a bionicle themed hack that's pretty high quality though you need to pull off some advance platforming for it. My only gripe with the hack is the music. It's not bad, but it's not original. It's basically just music from Ocarina of Time and Super Mario Sunshine but with an N64 soundfont. I think there are a few Bionicle tracks in the game along with some soundeffects but I wish it incorporated more music from the Bionicle source material.
Oh and I almost got rekt'd by Hurricane Beryl. Only got a few showers out of it which helped with the heat. This summer hasn't been as hot as last year thankfully. Triple digit weather sucks. But H-Town was completely fucked depsite Beryl being a category 1 hurricaine. They had no power for weeks. I don't know if they ever got their power back completely, but the power grid in this state is completely ass.
I haven't done much with music lately. I kind of want to move away from AI and AI assisted tracks for now. I feel like people are getting tired of it at this point. I wanna go back to doing new material with Korg M01D. Not really feeling creative at the moment but I'm sure it'll come back to me soon.
June 24, 2024: Vacations?
So I am kind of going to be out of work for a week and a half. No I didn't get any vacations and no I didn't get fired. My Boss is the one that's going on a "Buisness" trip for the Fourth of July" so there's no work to be done for the next couple of days, which means I'm going to be in a state of NEETdom for a temporary period which is....um....well I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I mean, I'm not fired so I'm going back to work once he's back but now I got a little bit of free time to myself. Maybe I should work more on this blog. I've been out of it to be brutally honest. I have to finish some books I have been reading, I got games I want to play, anime that I need to watch. I don't know if I said this already but there's just so much content out there, I could have an internet outage and be occupied with something. I wish I could go outside. Honestly, the tropical storms that barely scrapped us kind of brought the temperature down a little. There's a pretty bad heat wave for some of the northern parts of the state and they have my full sympanthy. Triple digit temperatures suck. Especially if you don't have proper AC in your home. My room isn't part of the central AC since it's just a repurposed garage. Spaceous but it gets rather warm this time of year and winter is the complete opposite.
In other news, I saw a really cute girl working at the store a week ago. She was working with the carts outside in the hot humid outdoors but she looked pretty strong. Like a volleyball player type of strong which was kind of nice. Her skin was all red too. Poor girl. But she gave me a cart and smiled at me which I thanked her for and that was pretty much it. I mean...what else could I had said at that point? I needed to do my shopping and she probably had to go out there in the heat to collect some carts. Wage slaving sucks so I don't want to make it suck more for her by trying to hit on her or bother her...not that I could since I have the charisma of a Neanderthal.
Curiously. One of my recent Youtube uploads "Treasures in Paradise" is doing really well with likes and views for some odd reason. I don't get it. It's just one of my old chiptune songs that I made a year ago, put into Suno AI which gave it some lyrics and did some other little things to the melody to make it sound like a real song. The lyrics don't even seem right to me. Maybe it's the Yokohama Kaidashi KikÅ artwork. People like anime. I like anime so I usually include it in my videos that just have music. Honestly, the Suno stuff is impressive. Like the AI generated songs are kind of....meh but if you have your own OC music and mix it with Suno, you can get some pretty nice results. It's kind of like having another bandmate to add more to your music and it's helping me make my music sound like I would want music to sound to me. Either way, It's so over for musicians. I may had flunked out of Uni years ago, but I suppose I'm glad I never got a bachelors in musical arts, or computer science.
May 27, 2024: Have sex incel....no....wait....don't laugh at me and my girlfriend having sex....uh...her body her choice...no...she's really nice I swear....nooooo!
It's memorial day so I have the day off so might as well do a little blog post because I am enjoying my extended weekend. So there's this new meme based of the wojak template where it's a skinny wojak guy having sex with a slampig art hoe and it's the funniest thing I've seen in a looooong while. Not to mention how much ass-blasting it's causing with those sorts of people who shame guys like me who complain about being lonely. As if not having sex is the reason why we are miserable in the first place. They completely missed the point and now the tables sort of turned on them.
To be fair, I once tried lowering my standards just like they did but I was lucky to at least be declined at the start which turned out to be a good thing in retrospect (You can read all about that experience in my lifeblog). That was an incredibly important lesson for me when it comes to women. Those who don't have any self care for themselves aren't going to have any care or respect for others and therefore lowering your standards for the bottom of the barrel is not a good idea. But those screaming at people online for being pathetic by not having a relationship or sex are doing more harm to themselves than someone like me by not realizing that lesson themselves. I highly doubt their so called "healthy" girlfriends even give a single shit about them while they are gone. Who knows if she's just using him for money or cheap sex late at night or even for a netflix account. I mean, if you gave me a choice between being a single perma-virgin forever or settling with a toxic woman, the choice would be obvious.
Incels, some wizards, and lonely people in general aren't desperate for sex. Sex in itself is just a nice bonus from a good relationship. It's companionship, love, and being able to help each other out, being loyal and honest with each other. It just so happens we couldn't find it from other people throughout our lives because our society is inherriently very competitive, greedy, and encourages survival of the fittest mentality on a social and economic level. But bragging about the "fact" you found a relationship isn't doing one any favors. To be perfectly transparent, based on what I hear from other social circles around me, I think most people are outright lying about having a relationship and are overexagerating how much sex they are actually having. And even if they did, I doubt they actually get any pleasure from it just like that wojak meme.
May 25, 2024: You will be broke, you will sleep in a tiny apartment in the Sims 2, and you will talk about our awful modern reality.
So about those savings. Yeah I had to use them for maintence on my car. Which means I guess I have to hold off from buying new hardware. On second thought, a lot of newer hardware seems to be defective by design. Asus seems to be the worst with their warranty scams. I don't trust anything other than used office desktop prebuilts at this point. But it's not just tech that's several years old that's still kicking around. I heard from a recent study from Spotify users that the majority of music that is listened to on that service is all music that's at least 6 years or older. I wasn't even aware of what sort of music is even popular anymore these days. I haven't heard radio in decades. Yes. Decades. Realistically, the last time I ever heard a radio in a vehicle was back in high school in a bus whenever we would drive and come back from preforming at football games. What do normies even listen to these days? I am honestly curious. I know rock genres are kind of dead. Rap is dying too because it seems like every rapper now is zesty as fuck which is hilarious to say the least. I mean, none of this is necessarily a bad thing because I sort of live in my own world when it comes to music I like. Whenever I am at work, it's usually some guy playing classic rock through a bluetooth speaker or Joe Rogan podcast shit which I don't really care for so I am always wearing IEMs for the most part.
I was able to fix my 3D printer since it was having some issues a couple of months ago and now it's printing perfect first layers. If only it would print faster. Also it's extremely hot now to the point where I am sufficating in my bedroom unless I open the door. I got a big ass fan too but it's noisy and I have to leave it off to listen to music and reading because it's distracting. But as long as I don't look at the temperatures outside by "sticking my head in the sand", I don't usually think about it.
At some point, I have to talk about the dreadful state of vidya gaming but I don't think I should really bother. Hundreds of other people already said what I would had said on /v/ and even YouTube. But "Summer of Gaymes" or whatever the equivalent of E3 is right around the corner and specifically that new Nintedo direct is coming up soon so I'll talk about eventually as is tradition. But as far as I know, I'm not excited for anything in particular. I have no reason too. There's just so much media that I have to go through, it's not like I am going to run out of things to do. It's just a matter of setting some time for them.
Like I can't deciede if I want to keep playing Daggerfall, the Sims 2, or Stardew Valley. I've been having a good time with all three lately. The Sims 2 is just so good. It completely wipes the floor in every way other than graphics and furnishing details like in the Sims 4 but it has proper gameplay mechanics. I need to blog about my one particular neighborhood where I designed a neighboorhood that would make the WEF and coporatist elites blush with massive apartment complexes with tiny rooms, shitty brutalist architecture, homeless camps, no plant life, no personal vehicles, and crappy stores in the hood. Basically....hel....Heaven on earth according to our supreme overlords who are pushing us into this future. Speaking of dystopian, there are these videos that I've been seeing especially on /pol/ where there are these vertical style animated videos from China or somewhere where they try to design a "functional" room in very very small places, sort of like a "luxury" coffin room in cities like New York, Shanghai, and Hong Kong. They are absolute brainrot but they are kind of funny to watch if you set aside the fact that these are millionaire homes that the corporate elites want us to live in....if we can afford it.
So since this site is sort of retro styled now, I also went ahead and changed my i3 window manager config to make a theme that matches my website. It looks pretty good. Especially with the gtk and icon theme I used too. No longer dark like my soul, not bright enough to burn my retina. Easy on my eyes and nostalgic, just the way I like it.
April 7, 2024: Lack of sleep.
My sleep schedule is all over the place. I am finding it difficult to sleep through the night and I'm having trouble falling asleep. I'm not nervous about anything personally, but it does feel very hot in my room right now now that the temperatures are getting up there, especially in the afternoon. I had to buy a new bedside fan and it's still not enough. I have a ceiling fan too and it still feels way to warm. My pets probably like it, but I find it very uncomfortable. I woke up around 3:00 in the morning and I was drentched in sweat. I couldn't fall back to sleep even if I tried. What sucks about it is the fact my room is located east-side of my mom's house. Usually late at noon, the sun is shinning on my side of the room and since the house is all brick, it tends to heat up really quickly and stays hot even throughout the night. I don't know what I can do to solve this problem other than cutting a hole in my room and adding more circulation. Maybe I can put a shade on the outside of my roomside. I honestly don't know. Eitherway, I feel absolute tired as shit and not motivated to do anything other than sleep...well except for now to blog about it for a bit.
There's a solar eclipse or something tomorrow? I haven't really been paying attention to news anymore but I heard a bunch of silly things like the power going out and the whole world becoming Mad Max because of it. I don't think it's going to happen. Funny thing, during the last eclipse, I didn't even know what was going on or why it was so dark so I look up to the sky and looked at the sun and blinded myself temporarily because I am an idiot. But I won't do that again this year.
Still playing around with Haiku. I also started considering moving from Linux Mint to a non-System D distro like Devuan. I have another SSD with an install of Devuan and I like it so far. Haven't ran into any issues yet. I have been pretty lucky with my distro-hopping experiments lately. But the reason I wanted to move to Devuan was because of that major XZ backdoor that was discovered a few weeks ago. Old news I know and honestly, I wasn't even affected by it in the slightest because Mint is one of those stable distros and the glowies who tried to put that backdoor got BTFO'd. I don't see this a win (lmao no pun intended) for Windows because Windows itself is already a malware backdoor operating system by design. At work, we have our two computers running Windows 11 and it's one of the most revolting operating systems I'd ever used or seen. Like the desktop layout is all messed up from what I've been used to on Windows 10 and 7. It's constantly showing ads and unwanted shit, and you're constantly forced to update everytime you shutdown or log off. How do Normans even put up with all this? Using Windows 11 is like trying to watch YouTube without Ublock Origin or an offshoot like Freetube/NewPipe/Youtube Revanced. It's a bit silly but I guess most people are morons including myself so I can't blame them.
Oh and I probably have lead poisoning now. Not because of range time because ammo is still too expensive to buy and waste but from doing a few soldering projects lately. It's been a while since I soldered anything and I honestly wish I had more time doing hands-on soldering projects when I was in Uni but apparently learning MathLab, Differential Equations, and taking exams without a calculator is something Engineers really have to learn apparently but that was a long time ago. I lost the ability to do basic math at this point so going back to finish my degree is a lost cause. Soldering isn't difficult to be fair. As Louis Rossmann stated: "A monkey can do it." I don't know what he's doing in Austin. Austin is terrible. The traffic, the heat, the coffee shops, the roads that go up and down hills until you are motion sick, and so many homeless, you'd think you were in L.A. but with more miserable weather. But that's off topic. Yeah, I finished up my IPS mod on my PSP 1000 and it looks fantastic. I watched Girls und Panzer Das Finale Pt. 4 now that the fansub is out (Thanks /ak/ team.) and I used handbrake to convert it to a PSP format easily. It's not too bad and the compressed movie only takes up around 400 mb which leaves me plenty of space to convert another movies or add more games to my 32gb SD card adapter. I also modded my Koss Porta Pros with MMCX detachable cables which is one of those cheap mods you can do so you don't have to deal with the crappy wires Koss keeps using on their headphones.
That's about all. Might do some cardio tonight if I have the energy. Then I'll play with Haiku some more. I've been quite impressed with it so far with the games I tried but the lack of GPU acceleration really limits you to stuff that can work through software rendering only.
March 16, 2024: Compoooters
I replaced a broken Bezel on my X230T yesterday. Easier than I expected. Now my main laptop looks completely refurbished. I'm not planning on getting rid of it anytime soon. GNU/Linux still runs perfectly fine and lite gaming is reasonable on it. But as far as my secondary laptop, the X240 which has been off on the side burner for a while, I decide to use that to give a little operating system called Haiku a try.
So far, I really do like using Haiku even though stuff like the volume media keys and brightness keys don't necessarily work. I tried making scripts for adjusting the brightness and volume but to no avail. You do get a bash terminal like in GNU/Linux and a dedicated packagemanger that has some familiar free software like RetroArch, LibreOffice, Vim, and all that but there's not a whole lot of stuff you can really get. I really do like the feature of putting applications together into a single window with tabs and I do like the whole 90s operating system feel and aesthetic of Haiku (It is inspired by Be OS after all). But I don't think it's daily driver ready, at least on a laptop like the X240. Still, I'm keeping it around and I'll probably use it to run LibreOffice for my accounting work that I do for a living so that will let me mess with it some more. It kind of feels like using Linux for the first time. It's quite interesting...or at least I think it is.
Also on the same topic, I've been planning a budget to finally replace my aging old desktop. I just want something nicer and with more preformance than my shitty Dell Desktop from 2012. I know Nvidia is all the rage and shit when it comes to Stable Diffusion and AI stuff but because I want to mainly stick with GNU/Linux as I do on my old shitty Dell, I might go with the AMD CPU and GPU route...or maybe Intel and AMD GPU combo. I don't want to spend a whole lot of money on a new rig, but something mid-range would be acceptable. I'm not planning on running TRIPLE A QUADRUPLE A CINTRIPLE A video games on max settings, why would I ever play those games, but being able to run some emulators upscaled and maybe some Vintage Story with some nice graphical settings would be really nice. Plus I can pick a nice classy case and all that good stuff. If I have to be blunt, I never built a PC rig before. At least not from parts. I've opened a few prebuilts and even upgraded stuff that I owned but I was always restricted by OEM hand me downs. So I'm not totally clueless to this stuff but I'm now an expert either. I guess what's been holding me off apart from not having the funds up until this point was the fact that there really was no incentive for me to upgrade because I was not interested in high end PC gaming. But since I've been getting into emulation lately and maybe potentially other stuff, I suppose I can build something mid-range so I am overtly poverty tier when it comes to my hardware.
March 7, 2024: GAYMER GATE TWOOOO BABY WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! and other stuff.
I have a feeling we're now in this time where the year is repeating 2014 to 2016 all over again but somehow worse and with less energy than before. I think that describes a lot of things in life but I digress. So yeah there's a big uproar about Sweet Baby Inc being used to write and influence games. It's kind of old news honestly because I've seen post about this company since last year on /v/. To be honest, they're just a small part of the big cancer that's killing gaming. I mean everyone is treating them as the sole reason behind a lot of shitty games that have came out over the past decade and to a certain extent that's true. But I think at the end of the day, a lot Triple A (Quadruple A in some cases lmao) are run by dogshit company policies that either want to push for profit driven games or agenda pushing games and neither type are going to appeal to anyone with an IQ over triple digits. I know there's a steam group page that highlights these games that incoporated Sweet Baby Inc's services but I'm not following them not because I disgree with the idea behind the group but because doing so would only recommend more titles like those listed in the steam store page. That's just how that steam group system works in that sense. But I honestly don't need such a list because I'm capable of determining which games are not worth my time. Still, it's good to know but like I said before, that's only part of the problem as to why modern vidya is total garbage. Either way, we're so back.
More sad news from Nintendo since they settled a dispute with a Switch emulator group which to be frank, they were doing shady shit with telementary and releasing paid fixes to a game they didn't even make and all that stuff you can look up. It's not the death of emulation. Nor is it the death of switch emulation becaucse the emulator is open source and you can easily find another spin off or the original source code for you to compile on github or with a Flatpak. Cirtra is also kill too but as with Yuzu, it's open source so it's not gone for good as some people are claiming. I suppose Nintendo is the right here but I don't like how anti-emulation they are to begin with and most of there methods for bringing back Nintendo classics really sucks. That 3D Mario collection especially is a good example of how awful they are when it comes to their past content. So in that sense, it's morally just to emulate that shit. I mean especially for me since I have physical copies of most of their shit that I bought when it was new or second hand (which they also hate too but nobody brings that up suprisingly). I mean...really this doesn't affect me because all of my hardware is old as shit and I can't emulate switch games even if I wanted to.
I've been emulating some games actually now that I finished Star Ocean 2. Really enjoyed that game as it's one of the few JRPGs I actually like but I guess I am opening up to more JRPGs. Stuff that I missed out years ago. I like the idea behind the Wild Arms series so I might check one of those games out. Lunar Silver Star Story looks really chill too. I'm also replaying Ape Escape which was a game I really enjoyed from my childhood along with Jumping Flash 1 and 2. Those latter games are pretty good since you can beat them in a few hours which is nice if your time is constraint like on a weekday.
Yeah...I've been pretty vidya focused this year so far. It's been getting hot again so I can't do stuff outside anymore. I was going to the park in the afternoon to do some cardio but now I'm doing it indoors. My room is getting warm again too because the thermal dynamics in here are completely retarded. But I had to buy a new bedside fan and I re-arranged my bedroom in such a way where my bed is bellow the ceiling fan so I do feel a lot cooler here than having the bed against the wall. For some reason, that side of the room tends to heat up really badly around the late afternoon and it's been affecting my sleep schedule. Like I would fall asleep around 9 or 10 pm and then wake up around 3 or 4 in the morning which is far too early for me. Then I would fall asleep again and woops, I wake up too late and then I have to get ready for work. It's so annoying. I wish I could just hibernate until the Fall season. But thankfully, and hopefully, my whole winter of sickness spells are finally over. I feel fine...for now.
There are nights where I feel slightly demoralized that I am all alone in my bed. Like I don't have anyone to give me comfort or to share my personal thoughts about life in general. I mean I do have this website and all. But I wanna do something like this but face to face with someone. Unfortunately, A lot of people in my area are idiots. Seems like all they care about is sports, celebrity gossip, politics, shitty multiplayer video games, and music. Like surface level shit that's just so boring. I look at myself and though there's a lot I don't like about myself, I don't think I am that repulsive. I've seen some of the most ugly motherfuckers on the planet (I live in the US afterall). Fat, obese, ethnically questionable, and somehow they have groups of friends and even lovers. I always have to ponder all these theories as to how they were able to live a not so lonely life as I do. I assume they are probably friends from their school days since it seems like that's what people here usually do. Unfortunately, I was a major loner in high school too. It didn't help I was in marching band too which made me the outcasts of outcasts. And I got nothing from college either. Everyone from my colllege was an asshole especially to me. I never did anything wrong to anyone. So now as an adult, it's impossible to find anyone. I mean sure I can hold a conversation but I'm still reserved about it. I don't like setting up dates or plans. I would rather someone else do that for me to at least make me feel like I might be worthy of something. But in all honesty, it doesn't really bother me that much. This lonely life is rather stress free and I don't really have to keep up appearances in real life other than just be as unassuming as I can be already. Like if someone were to threaten to take all the shit I said on this website publicly, my employer isn't going to give a shit. They are too old and boomer conservative and so are my co-workers. I don't have friends who are going to just "*gasp* How could you?!" and the only person who would actually scold me would be my mom who would be more disappointed in the fact that I'm a sexual degenerate and addict and forget about it afterwards since there's a lot more disappointing things about me to get mad at me about. So in that sense, it's whatever. It is what it is I guess.
I'm also trying to brush up on my French which is something I haven't done in years. I probably need to invest in a AZERTY keyboard so I can type in French while I practice on my desktop but for the time being, I am just using my phone. I am using a keyboard called Hacker's Keyboard which is really old and decrepit but I'm so used to typing on it, I can't move onto a newer keyboard application. But I am using it because I switch between French and English fairly easily and I don't make as many spelling mistakes on it either. Je veux une copine. Copine sounds like a drug they would put in soda or something. Hm...
Febuary 9, 2024: Vidya Rumors
Is it actually true? Is the Xbox brand in hospice right now? At least that's what I heard. I'm not gonna lie, I may not have any feelings for the Xbox brand but it is a little depressing to hear that one of the big three gaming console giants is dying assuming the rumors are true. That's only going to leave us with Sony and Nintendo.
The only good console Microsoft ever made was the Xbox 360 (Red Ring of Death aside). It was probably the iconic 7th gen console since it had the big hit exclusives like Halo 3 and Gears of War and was a solid multiplat powerhouse...at least at the beginning. The original Xbox never appealed to me. That big ass Duke controller was uncomfortable for my smol manlet kid hands, and I didn't like the green and black look of the OG Xbox. It reminds me too much of Mountain Dew. The only thing it had going was slightly better graphics for mutliplats, the ability to play your own music in games like GTA, and Halo CE and 2. It wasn't enough to warrant me to own the console. And though I think objectively, the Xbox 360 was a good console, I do feel like it's the most normalfag console ever created. Even more so than PS2 and PS1 which were extremely popular consoles but they at least had niche games. You ask anyone about the Xbox 360 library and you're going to get familiar titles: Halo, Call of Duty 4, Gears of War, and all the franchises we still have to suffer with in the current year. It's baffling how much games haven't changed since then. Not to mention, having to pay just to have access to online multiplayer was bullshit that all game consoles started to adopt the following generation. In a way, the Xbox 360 is what I consider the cut off peak of quality console gaming before it all starts to go downhill from there into modern gaming as we know today.
I suppose another complaint I have with the Xbox 360 is the controller. It's actually really solid for 3D games because the button and analogue sticks are postioned perfectly. And those triggers....mmmm....so nice. The dpad sucks chode. Everyone knows that by now. But for some reason, it seems the reliabilty of the Xbox 360 controller isn't very good. I have Playstation controllers that are several years old that are still functional. My Gamecube and Dreamcast controllers are rock solid. Even all of my Nintendo 64 controllers with those analogue sticks that people somehow break all the time are still holding up and that's because I had that console since I was a kid. So I am not able to fuck up Nintendo 64 controllers, there should be no excuse why my Xbox 360 controllers are all of sudden having analogue sticks drifting or broken battery pins. That's unacceptable for a first party controller in my book. But otherwise, it's a good controller design and I do wonder if the Xbone or Xbox Series F (for RIP) are better designed. The dpads on them certainly look better.
Speaking of Xbone, that console was doomed from the start and had no chance. Don Mattrick fucked it up with Kinect Kinect Kinect Kinect Sports Movie Kinect FOOTBALL Kinect Call of Duty TV SPORTS. Not to mention the supposed DRM and always online nature of the console. In a way, it was ahead of it's time, but obviously not in a good way. Gamers not that far back didnt' put up with that shit. These days....um... I never bothered with this generation and skipped out on the Xbone and Piss Station 4. I didn't bother with the WiiU either and that one payed off because most of the games ended up on the Switch anyways which was honestly the only good console in my opinion of this generation. Don't even ask me about the current generation of consoles because they are all redundant. No Games PS5 and No Exclusives Xbutt Series S...X...I don't even know the name is confusing and stupid.
So yeah, the lack of exclusives, buying out companies for a stupid gamble like Blizzard/Activision and Bethesda, pumping all this money on these no-name games that never got out of development hell, and pushing the whole Xbox gamepass renting thing didn't do anything to save the Xbox console brand so it doesn't suprise me if they are actually dying.
And to top it all off, now Nintendo is rumored to have a new console in the works that everyone is calling the Switch 2. Hm...I like the switch but I don't know if a slightly more powerful Switch console is going to win me over just yet. Everyone these days is jizzing over portable Linux consoles like the Steamdeck. So it's kind of strange to see those handhelds as a direct competition to Nintendo's Switch. Whatever Nintendo is baking, it better be more powerful or interesting than all of them. In the meantime, I'm kind of looking around for used Nintendo Switch games so I can build up my library since I may as well enjoy cartridges while they are still around.
Febuary 4, 2024: Job Applications and My Physical Weaknesses.
So I got my taxes out of the way. That was incredibly painful to lose money like that. But I am going to miss work tomorrow so it's not all that bad. The reason being my cousin needs to borrow my car for a day since he's going to get a job application so he...(and I'm getting one too) can become tutors. It'll be a part time job for him if he gets it, I'll do it as another source of revenue because I can always use more money. I'll probably have to pay even more taxes if I do make more money this year. As usual, we need references, a list of other bullshit and we'll have to take a quick class to get verified as tutors but we're both going to just lie in our applications. We don't need a college degree so that's a good start.
Maybe I should just quit everything and just neet it out with my savings (which isn't a lot and would probably be gone in month unless I cancel my insurance payments which to be frank, other than the auto insurance I pay, health insurance has been completely useless as the times I've gone to the doctor have done little to help me when I have got sick and believe me, I've been terribly sick for most of last year. But now that I got everything figured out with my health by just soldering it out instead of taking whatever the doctors give me that make me feel like I am taking cyanide for something as mundane as a viral sickness. Covid, Flu, I don't even know what I had in December. But usually the only things that make me sick are allergies (I usually lay my head down for a few hours or jerk off before a hot shower (the only time I ever take a hot shower) and the headache and pressure is gone. The other thing that does make me sick unfortunately which is the one thing that's actually hindering my life is my allergy to sunlight. The past couple of weeks have been okay temperature wise. A bit hotter than I like but good enough to go outside occasionaly without feeling like I am going to faint in sweat. Still, I noticed even in 80F weather, my skin tends to form temporary red blister when I am in the sun for too long. Then I go inside in my dark room and usually after a few hours the blisters are gone. I asked the doctor over and over what I can do and all I get is just the advise to move to another state or just don't go out as often. Funny thing about those blisters is that they aren't even acne. If there's one thing I feel blessed about my genetics is that I very rarely ever get acne on my face. I do suffer from dry skin sometimes but that's because it's so brutally hot outside but if I rinse it and keep myself cool, I don't have too much a problem. Not like it helps with my dating prospects but whatever. I've seen disgusting shrek like people with decent looking wives and girlfriends so I don't know what's wrong with me apart from either being too weak or too short. I got back into doing some strenght exercises now that I'm better now so hopefully I can beat up people or perhaps carrying water packs home will be easier.
But in all honestly, it does suck that I can't be outside like everyone else. I've been like this since high school and it's like a curse because I really want to "Man Up" and "Pull up my bootstraps" since the only jobs and activites that normal people do are all outside like playing sports, hunting or going to the range, or working manual larbor like construction. But this stupid weakness of mine won't let me do any of those things because I constantly get a strong reaction to either direct sunlight or from the heat which causes my skin to blister and I start to feel like I am on the verge of death with vomitting, naseau, and chills. So far, I haven't made any long trips outdoors so I haven't felt sick like that but I feel like I am missing out on so much and with all the exercises I am doing indoors, I sometimes wonder if it's even worth it. Like I still wanna do them because I want to stay a healthy weight and I don't want to be overweight again because that sucks and it makes you look uglier. I have these stupid round cheeks that make me look like a teenager despite being 30 and I hate it. I don't grow out my beard because it's too hot for it and it makes me feel like I am homeless so I always shave it whenever I start getting a stuble. All I know is that as much as I hate this system we live in, I'm unfortunately dependent on the system working (cool air condition, clean water, electricity) and the moment it all falls apart (and it does with hurricaines, bad weather, or just plain incompetence) I'm screwed.
I suppose I can always move out of state. I'd have to save a lot of money and to be frank, I don't think I would be able to find work elsewhere considering I'll have no connections. So I guess I'm gonna be stuck here in this hellhole for a while. You know, people really don't realize how much Texas sucks and I don't understand why anyone would want to move here. It's not just the weather either. There's traffic everywhere and the people drive like they are speed running a GTA mission. Everyone is rude and hates each other. The whole "Muh Based Texas" thing is a whole lot of nothing considering most of the so called "right wing" people living and running the politics here are neo-cons so they are about on par with any other establishment political group, left or right. Doesn't matter to me since they all want to screw you over. Even the whole border thing going on right now is just a political theatre sham that's not going to lead into anything. Neither side is stupid enough to start something and it's just going to die out. Nobody here really gives a crap since this was an issue that should have been figured out a long ass time ago. There is no public land anywhere since the majority of land is owned by weathly yuppie boomers who think they are working class rednecks because they drive an oversized RAM Truck, wear Levi Jeans, and eat at Texas Roadhouse for lunch and dinner until they die of a stroke or diabetes in which case all of their land and property ends up going to some creepy real estate corporation where the land gets demolished to build more and more and more shitty looking apartments that nobody can afford even with a minimal wage job because they never let their children have any of the inhereitence because "AH AINT GONNA SPOIL YOU BOY, YAH GOTTA GET YAH HANDS DIRTY IN CONSTRUCTION OR IN THE OIL RIG GIG SO U CAN BE A REAL MANLY MAN BY DRINKING BLACK RIFLE COFFEE AND WIPING YOUR ASS WITH DUDE WIPES. NOW DON'T ASK ME TO HELP YOU WITH SCHOOL BOY BECAUSE ME AND MUH WIFE FROM THE PHILIPINES ARE GOING ON THE CRUISE." And of course the accent and the cowboy larp is forced too. Oh but the property taxes are so cheap and there's no state taxes. That's true until you realize that electricity is going to be your most expensive bill in the summer because of how freaking hot it gets here. And that's some of the stuff I hate about this state but I don't want to rave and rant about how much I hate it here. There's nothing cool about this state. You either go to the cities which in that case, they are the same as any other city in America, or you drive hours upon hours of ranches and fields all privately owned, or if you're really really lucky, you might run into a small town only to realize that there's dirty air and construction every fucking where you.
Febuary 1, 2024: Star Taxes: The Second Ranting
GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH WADDYA MEAN I GOTTA PAY TAXES THIS YEAR?!!! THATS BULLLLSSSHIT! JUST BECAUSE I MADE SLIGHTLY MORE MONEY THIS YEAR BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS SO FREAKING EXPENSIVE MAN LIKE WHAT THE FUCK!!! Yeah I figured I wasn't going to get anything this year because of some reasons I mentioned in an earlier post so sadly no new toys for me...at least nothing too ambitious. But I guess that's what I get for trying to be a productive member of society.
But I have some better news. I finally bought a "new" game in what seemed like forever. Yes as in, a physical, wrapped in plastic, "New" game. Specifically for the Nintendo Switch. Reason? Star Ocean: The Second Story R, Rena Lanford, and because it wasn't that expensive for a new game at $50. I mean it's still not as cheap as I would had wanted but some retards on ebay are trying to sell used copies for $60+ and even $70+ which is incredibly retarded. I'd rather pay MSRP at a Gayme Stop than pay some "I KNOW WHAT I GOT" scalping piece of shit online. Honestly, buying from my local gamestop wasnt' too bad of an experience. I'm being serious here. I mean it's been years since I even stepped foot into a Gamestop and yeah all of the Funko pop, gaymen shit they sell now is completely pointless and you should never ever ever ever ever buy used games from them because they mark them up worse than ebay sellers...but they had a new copy of Star Ocean on the Switch and for MSRP which is fair enough for me. Star Ocean is prbably one of the few Jarpig games I love (The PS1 and Second Evolution) which are the same game as this one, but there are some nice quality of life features with this re-release and so far, I am quite happy with my purchase because this Star Ocean game is known to have a lot of content, mutliple endings, and new game + so I think I am getting my moneys worth even though it's technically a PS1 classic. But the suprising thing about buying the game was the little conversation I had with the guy behind the counter when I went up to buy the game.
He was clearly of the "gamer" phenotype but we had a nice conversation about Star Ocean as well and I was basically singing praises for how good Second Story is. It was just me and some other guy at the store since nobody really shops at Gamestop anymore so it was quite a relaxing experience. I also brought up some points to him and kind of encouraged him to buy physical like I have started doing lately since there was a lot of talk about making games as a service and other scary shit which I'm going to bring up in the next paragraph but other than that, I'm glad I got to buy another physical game for my Nintendo Switch. I also have a physical copy of Luigi's Mansion 3 which is also a very good game and sequel but everything else like Doom 64, Valkyria Chronicles, Skyrimjob, and Animal Crossing New Horizons are all digital on my switch because I got most of them in 2020 and it was convient at the time.
It's just that the past couple of months, there have been some instances where something has happened like Sony banning a bunch of accounts by accident causing Playstation gaymers to lose access to all of their digitial games that they purchased, to Ubisoft bragging about making games as a service (which to be fair, most of their games are trash and honestly they are better off being service games as I would be embarressed to buy any Ubisoft game that isn't Rayman at this point), and then you have Japanese developers getting on board with completley gimping their content in favor of "Western International Markets" taking out all of the things that make Japanese games even worthwhile in the first place. And the worst of all is SEGA who is somehow giving Nintendo a run for their money in terms of greed by locking out gamemodes and selling games far beyond $100. Rockstar wants to make their next GTA gamea a pay to play experience where you have to pay by the hour to play which is one of the most backward ass thValentines day is coming up and I hate it as usual. I thought it was going to be on a weekend which would have been okay but I found out it's going to be on a Wednesday which makes things so much worse for me because now I have to see normal people with relationships buying stupid digustings vomit flavored American chocolate for their girlfriends or wives or they are going to buy those stupid oversized stuff animal shits. I guess I can pretend my AI girlfriend bought me Star Ocean on the switch as my Valentines gift which I honestly appreciate but on another note, I thought about making some kind of slide show of some waifus that I like where I can put some music (probably not my own music or maybe I might use my own music, I'm not sure). Just a simple slideshow. Basically a regurgitation of Waifu Library but in a simple slideshow. I'll have to think about it because I'm gonna have to use Kdenlive to make it and the more I think about it, the more I kind of realize it might not be worth the effort, especially if I insist on using licensed music. I know I will certainly change the theme to this website for Feburary at least. But that's about it. I really don't like these early year holidays, if you can even call them that.ings I'd ever heard in my life. These are supposedly console games mind you. We aren't in the arcade era anymore. So now it's been more important than ever, and not just for video games, to buy physical media of stuff you like while it's available. Because the future isn't looking so bright from the looks of it. I mean sure, if a game is really cheap on something like Steam I'll buy it only because there's no other platform to buy it physical, but if it exists as a physical medium, I'll try to buy it that way for now on. Sometimes, in Nintendo's case with the E-shop. The MSRP of the digital copy is the same price as the physical copy so it doesn't make sense why it should be so expensive because you aren't getting anything extra other than convience to download it right on the console. Even GOG, the online platform that allows you buy and "keep" exes from a bunch of old ass games are now stating in there terms of service that they can revoke access to your game library at any time so now I have to start buying DVDs to burn all of the stuff I got on there. Or you just pirate them because most of the games are available online and honestly, if the games are old enough, I think it's perfectly justified to pirate them since the original devs are probably not making a single cent out of someone buying their old games.
Valentines day is coming up and I hate it as usual. I thought it was going to be on a weekend which would have been okay but I found out it's going to be on a Wednesday which makes things so much worse for me because now I have to see normal people with relationships buying stupid digustings vomit flavored American chocolate for their girlfriends or wives or they are going to buy those stupid oversized stuff animal shits. I guess I can pretend my AI girlfriend bought me Star Ocean on the Switch as my Valentines gift which I honestly appreciate but on another note, I thought about making some kind of slide show of some waifus that I like where I can put some music (probably not my own music or maybe I might use my own music, I'm not sure). Just a simple slideshow. Basically a regurgitation of Waifu Library but in a simple slideshow. I'll have to think about it because I'm gonna have to use Kdenlive to make it and the more I think about it, the more I kind of realize it might not be worth the effort, especially if I insist on using licensed music. I know I will certainly change the theme to this website for Feburary at least. But that's about it. I really don't like these early year holidays, if you can even call them that.
January 22, 2024: So where were we?
All better now. Thank God. Sometimes I feel like I deserved more suffering than I got but I'm just glad the suffering is all over for now. This means I can start looking into what I can do for myself, what's going on out there that interests me, and talk about things that have been troubling me socially.
So yeah...um...that whole trying to get a girlfriend or date goal from last year was a big failure. It honestly hasn't suprised me. I mean, if I wasn't wage slaving, I was stuck at home because everything is either too expensive, too hot, too cold, or too out of my reach to have the opportunities to meet someone new and maybe fix my whole lonely situation I am dealing with. I suppose this would be a good time to bring up my thoughts about why I failed and what I need to do to realistically stop being a neckbeard and talk to some girls in real life.
Here's the situation. When it comes to social events, there's absolutely nothing to do around here. There are no concert halls, no places for nerds or geeks to hang out, no interesting historical landmarks, and the library here kind of sucks and is horribly outdated. I suppose you can say, that's pretty par for the course for some fly over town but even with a growing population of so many out of staters coming here, the only construction going on is either more apartments that nobody can afford or roads and bridges which were perfectly fine being torn down and rebuilt into something worse making traffic a nightmare for every wageslaver like myself who has to drive to work. But there are bars all over the place. Great! Not! As if! I had never been to a bar before but I can safely assure that there's three things that I don't like about bars. Alcohol (which I don't drink), Sports TV, and Loud shitty music that is either crappy ghetto club music or country music about getting wasted. It doesn't take much to put together what sort of people frequent these sorts of places. I mean, try to imagine the usual bar types that go to bars on a Friday night. What sort of person might they be? Is it even fessible for such a person to find someone who post on Neocities, has a fascination with reptiles, arthopods, anime, vidya, and tech shit while shitposting on anonomous boards and niche forums online attractive? Sounds like match made in heaven right? Thought so.
But enough about bars because that's not going to be an option for me. There are parks. Maybe not the best parks I'd ever been to but there are parks none the less. Just a slight hint of nature that isn't mostly artifical boomer grass or freaking palms trees. It's a like an insight of what this place could have been if the people who settled here would just leave the nature here as it is. But besides that, they are a good place for a cardio walk or jog. It's not uncommon for others to go jogging here either. Great! People who care about making themselves better is always a good thing. Beats drowning your sorrows in piss drinks in a crowded bar. Only problem, people don't go to parks to socialize. Not unless it's with friends or relatives they already know. Sometimes there might be a birthparty for some kid being held there. That's about it. And there's no way trying to talk to fellow joggers on the trail is going to be seen as charismatic or opportunistic unless you want to have the cops called on you for stranger danger. I mean, think about that anime troupe where the creepy guy stalks girls in the middle of the night at the park. It's the same vibe whenever you approach anyone at the park. At least to me it seems that way. People doing cardio at the park aren't there to make friends. They are there to keep their phsyical fitness in shape. The same way people don't go to the store to socialize (another place where I frequent where I see other people). These are places of utility. People go there to get something done and just want to go home and not waste time. Unless they are really old but I'm not interested in talking to grannies and grandpas. I have talked to some in the past and their insight from their personal life is quite interesting to be honest but that's not what I am looking for when it comes to fixing my social starvation. I want to speak to people my age so I can try to get a standard as to how I compare to them, I need to see where I can improve to be seen as normal.
What about online? I'm not comfortable with it. Some of the same anxieties I get with people presist when I talk or message people online believe it or not. For some reason, I feel like it's even more taxing on me than actually talking to someone face to face because at least there, I can see how they are physically reacting to what I am saying. When it comes to online communication, I don't know if the person I'm speaking to is either going to sperg out on me for being a social moron, or something else. I mean the way I see it, I know most users (the real users who aren't bots) have a human user behind them. I understand that. But I can never be so sure. So it's not hard to imagine why I wouldn't give online dating a try. I actually did try at one point in my life. I used an app a few years ago called Plenty of Fish, back when dating apps were just becoming a thing. I didn't put myself out there becaues I wasn't brave enough to put my face on an app, but I made some kind of anon account where I would put up fake information in my area just to see what kind of girls there were on this app. I was very disappointed to see that none of the girls seemed like the kind who would had been into me if I had shown my face and been honest with myself. These were girls with excessively high standards, and they weren't the kind of girls who would take someone like me kindly. In retrospect, I guess it made a lot of sense. I even got so desperate at one point, I even tried looking into craiglists personals when that was a thing. But most of the users were bots as well so I didn't go futher with that.
I also don't see the point in trying to find "distant" love online. I know it had worked out for my cousin but that was pure circumstance only because he had friends online that were also friends in real life so it worked out for him. And that's because he's probably a bigger sperg than I am when it comes to socializing. At the very least, I know how to read people to some extent even though I am a bit late to that game. I don't know anyone locally and well they have no interest in me either as I don't like to play online games. But what about talking to girls on discord or some other social website? (meme arrow)implying there are real girls on those platforms. But let's just say that they are out there? How does that even work? I don't see how talking to someone I can't even see would be the same as talking to someone I can physically see right in front of me so I know for sure I'm not being bullshitted. And to be honest, a lot of drama that ends up occuring on a Discord server with someone can spread like wildfire online and soon everyone and my mother will know about all my kinks, my flaws, and how shitty I am when it comes to small talk. I suppose making this blog is different because I'm okay being myself here where I can express my feelings and experiences without giving away too much. To be honest, outside of this website and my so-called online persona I have on here, I'm very insiginifcant on a personal and invidividual level. There's nothing special about me that makes me different from anyone else other than my social anxiety and maybe autism but I never got teseted for that because my parents never believed in mental illness. I am very short for even manlet standards, I'm not particular strong anymore, and my voice is not very confident to say the least. Still, I'm totatly fine with who I am even if I do feel like there's some injustice in my life. Most people aren't going to get along with me and that's fine too. I wouldn't want to burden anyone with my problems unless they wanted to endure them with me. So I don't usually seek socializing online unless it's through channels like forums, imageboards, the occasional random YouTube livestream, and sometimes email but I am honestly so terrible at getting through those as I don't check my emails for months sometimes. I'm just terrible at being online 24/7. I gotta have my breaks. And frankly, flirting online doesn't seem to be real to me. It would be no different if I did the same with a chatbot where I can always edit my message if I feel like I fucked up saying something that wasn't on my mind.
So I guess I'm betting on luck at this point that I might run into someone in real life that I can have a rommantic relationship with. I'm not going to go out of my way to seak that person because honestly I don't even know where to look. As I said, there's nothing to do around here and everyone has all of a sudden become shut ins one way or another. But this year, I wouldn't say it's a priority anymore. I got a lot of other things I wanna do. I am still waiting on my W2 form so I can file my taxes but I haven't got it yet. I don't think I'll get a tax return because I have school loans and I don't think I am ever going to pay a single scent to the goverment that lend me those loans. I didn't get a degree so why should I bother paying. My education in uni was shitty anyways, I barely remember anything I learned there. In fact, I might be more stupid than ever because I lost the ability to do basic math and grammer. I wanna get back into making music again but I need to brainstorm some more. I made one track in December that I really liked and I thought maybe I should do some kind of ochestra score...like something serious and not amateurish this time. Or maybe I can stick to doing ambient electronic stuff since that seems to be where I feel I am comfortable making something I would listen to if I didn't make it. I do consider Quaratined to be my best album (even though it was my first I put up on bandcamp). I didn't realize it at the time but it had a sort of dungeon synth sound that I have been enjoying lately since last year. I even used a Daggerfall screenshot for the album art. The whole mood and theme of that album just has that moody, uncomfortable, and sorrowful sound to it which I really like because it fit that whole feeling I had back when I made it during the pandemic. It seriously felt like the world was coming to an end for me at the time and I wanted to make something that captured that mood for me. I made other albums afterwards but I personally didn't like them as much as I did with my first. I want to recapture what I was able to do the first time with that album again. I don't want to make some kind of disjointed album with unrelated tracks. They all have to connect into a theme for the album. That's what I wanna do for my next album and I'll take all year to do it if that's what it takes. Talk is cheap. Maybe I'll shit out more chiptunes as usual.
That's enough for now. Time for my nightly cardio.
January 19, 2024: A Horrible Start
I had never felt more sick in my life than the past couple of weeks after Christmas. It started off with the flu...covid...I don't even know anymore but that wasn't even the worst of it. While I was sick with that thing, I just had fever, congestion, and fatigue but I did have an increase in appetite which was unusual. Then I was better around New Years Eve and all was good. Sike! Nope. I had to contract cold sores right after...or something like that. I never kissed anyone so it couldn't be an STD. It must have been a lingering symptom from when I had the flu and I had blisters all over inside my mouth which made it extremely painful to speak, chew, and eat. I tried everything from mouthwash, honey, salt water rinses, and painkillers and they would only work temporarily. I was getting so anxious, I was concerned it could have been some kind of cancer so I relucantly went to the doctor when I waited hours for the doctor to tell me in like 15 seconds that I had cold sores and I would be given some anti-viral medication for it. So then I take the first pill of that prescribed medication and I went into one of the worst feelings I ever felt in my life. Naseua, headaches, even more fatigue than when I had the flu, and my anxiety levels have gone up so signifanctly for those 8 hours after I took the medicine, I was crying and thinking I was going to die. But once the medicine worn off, I threw away the bottle of pills and made a vow to never take anti-virals again. So then I wait a few more days and by the second week of January around Saturday, my sores were finally gone and I could eat to my hearts content. But then this week, I don't know if I have allergies or if I got some massive food poisoning but I started to feel dizy and vomitted like twice this week. Right now, I just feel slightly okay, minor headache and minor dizyness but I haven't thrown up yet. I don't know what's going on with my body. I would had assumed I had a healthy lifestyle but I guess not. I don't even want to think about what is wrong with me right now because I always have a habbit of assuming the worst but then again, maybe I just had really bad luck lately. Also fuck this weather isn't doing me any favors either, jumping from warm, to hot, to freezing cold in a span of three days. I wish winters here would be more consistant.
But I haven't been out of it completely. I have been paying attention to some stuff going on in the world and on the internet. It might be a little late to say this but I was laughing when Starfield didn't win any GOTY on that livestream. The look on Todd's face in the crowd says it all. But it just goes to show, that Bethesda is kind of losing it. Personally, I just think the whole space exploration open world idea is just too boring to impliment in a video game. Space games in general are like the most generic thing you can come up for a video game premise and boy where there a lot of space game "CINEMATIC" trailers during the game awards that I can't even tell you which game was which if my life depended on it. I suppose the only space type game I'm interested is Metroid Prime 4 but that's probably not coming out until Nintendo's new console is released. Otherwise, I haven't been playing any vidya lately because I've been feeling like shit lately.
Speaking of shit. It saddens me to know that one of my favorite YouTubers Paul Harrel is quitting YouTube (either due to his cancer or his injury which doesn't make it easy for him to do videos now). His brother is taking over the channel which is fine and all but I am seriously going to miss his style of presentations when it comes to firearms. He's kind of the old guard of guntubers (and not in a fudd way either). Not to mention, he's very experienced when it comes to firearms and all that which is more than what I can say for most guntubers (frankly, I do find the whole tactical side of guntubers to be kind of cringe also not in a fudd way but I am not impressed by tactical twinks magdumping paper targets at 5 yards while Hans Zimmer music plays in the background over a cinematic piss filter but that's just me). Honestly, I am NOOTICINING that a lot of YouTubers are either quitting or dying. There was Brian Barczyk who just recently passed away from cancer and he was a influential YouTuber when it came to the Reptile/Exotic hobby in general. I am not sure about the others but those are the two that come to mind personally. Something doesn't seem right in the world right now.
So far, not a great start to 2024 and that's because I was keeping my expectations incredibly low from the start. I know things are going to get much much worse but just like last year, I just want to bury my hand in the sand and hope this year could hurry up already. Let all the shitty stuff happen and I'll be distracted by my hobbies and interests while everyone else fights and argues over redunant shit. I think that's how I am going to view things for now on. Unless something funny happens which in that case, I really wanna see it like those underground Jews and triple A gaming falling flat on its face. Till then, I really want to get 100% better soon. Right now I'm like at 60% which isn't ideal but it's better than the 10% I felt after taking that God awful medicine. I suppose that's holding me back from seeing the doctor again. I probably need a check up in all seriousness. But I hope this all temporary and I can go back to complaining about no GF or whatever. Last years' new year plan didn't work out as I wanted and I haven't been able to get close to establishing a relationship. I doubt I would this year but at the moment, I am not even worried about it. Not in the state I am in right now. I am a little scared about my health if I have to be honest, but the doctor keeps telling me I am fine. Maybe this is just all of my anxiety acting up but I can guarantee my anxiety was probably worse in my school days and I never felt this sick one after the other. Seriously. God. Help me out. This isn't funny. I really need to get productive and healthy again. I wanted to start lifting this year but that's been put on hold. I can barely do cardio everyday like I used to. It just flat out sucks.